Hey You! My Blog Turned Three Years Old This Week!

President Evan (center), Vice President Mike M (left), Mrs. Speaker Ilya (right)

My fellow readers. It is time again for our annual State Of The Blog Address. On March 10th of this year, Swan Fungus (nee Communications Major / English Minor) turned three years old. It has been a perilous thirty-six months filled with a seemingly endless number of roadblocks, but here we are, still going strong with no end in sight.

During year number one, this blog averaged 175 visitors per day. One the day of its second birthday, this blog averaged 233 visitors per day. Last month, an average of 625 people saw this page daily. I'd say Swan Fungus is making great strides in becoming the foremost website devoted to Evan LeVine. No other page on the Internet (save maybe a MySpace or Facebook profile) offers a more comprehensive tome than this one. The past year has featured a relocation to Los Angeles, a cross-country drive and excursions to far-off lands like San Francisco, San Diego, Las Vegas, and Joshua Tree. I became a fan of Death Metal. I drank and blacked out on [almost] a nightly basis. There were adventures in dating. I heard a great number of exciting new bands. At this very moment, I actually have both a steady job and a girlfriend. Oh yes, we've come a long, long way since March of 2005.

As your fearless leader, I assure you that 2008 will be more Evan-centric than any year yet. Just this week I've taken on sacred cows like Carls Jr. and Vampire Weekend. I vow to remain steadfast in my defaming of much-ballyhooed "indie" artists, major corporations, and sundry public figures. Will I waver in the face of criticism (in the form of negative, slanderous comments or e-mails)? Nay. I will march on, intrepid and confident.

2008 will be a year of firsts for Swan Fungus. You've already experienced some of my these new ideas, like the "Treasures From The Collectors Slum" series, which gives you the ability to download high-quality full albums that are currently out-of-print. I also anticipate many guest-blogger posts this year. That's right, for the first time since its inception this page will feature somebody else's writing. As I stated on March 10th, 2006, this blog wants to become a communal affair. A design overhaul is currently in the works. The newer, cleaner, prettier Swan Fungus will be unveiled in the very near future. By the way, if any of you readers know a thing or two about CSS (the computing language, not the shitty band you hipster faggot!) please contact me. It would really help expedite the redesign process.

Be not frightened, my beloved reader, the changes will not be that drastic. Letters To No One will still focus on exposing shoddy business practices and outing annoying public figures. Once the official Swan Fungus combination printer/scanner is installed, Product Reviews will return. Yes, even This Week In 'Indie' Rock will soon return, complete with the atrociously Photoshopped pictures you have come to expect and love. Now that I've upgraded to Photoshop CS, I can't wait to see how I'll make a picture of Connor Oberst crying look new and exciting. Daily MP3 downloads from artists whose ideologies match my own will continue. Without question, Friday Top Ten will remain a regular feature. Several lofty goals are already in the planning stages, including Top 100 bands and Top 500 albums lists.

The language will remain crass. Newcomers will undoubtedly peg me as a crotchety old man and a misogynist (isn't that right, Ashlea?). After all, on the surface nothing has changed after three years and 1,087 blog entries. Those of you who have been here since the beginning have endured a lot. The best is yet to come, trust me. The state of our Blog is GOOD!

Ponytail - Start A Corporation
The Narrows - Stride
Crystal Stilts - Crippled Croon
Monroe Mustang - The Bees

Tags: swan fungus, state of the blog, ponytail, the narrows, crystal stilts, monroe mustang

The State Of Our (Sexual) Union

Oh, man. Life can be pretty frustrating. Work now consists of staring blankly at the desktop computer screen for several hours each morning until my eyes glaze over and I realize I haven't blinked in six minutes. Meanwhile, on the laptop, back-and-forth e-mails pertaining to housing, jobs, and manuscript submissions are continuous. By the time lunch rolls around (okay, who am I kidding, we all know I don't eat) I'm sick and tired of staring at a computer screen. Then I remember I have to update this page, and I get really angry at my inability to think of funny topics to write about—so fall back on playing über-snob and panning whatever is "in" these days.

Since my two-year anniversary passed last month with little-or-no fanfare, I'm dedicating this week's top ten list to a "State Of The Blugh" address (remember how last year's was sooooo funny!!111!). It's basically a reminder to you what the hell my intentions are, and why you should never take anything I say seriously. Also, it's an unordered list, because everything I say—or have ever said, or ever will say—is of grave importance. Think of me as air: your life depends on it.

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS 'ERE WEBSITE

- I don't understand web design - So that's why the layout and colors change (and will continue to change) frequently. In fact, As I begin my third year maintaining this "blog," I've undergone three big design changes. If I could make up my damn mind, or stop stuttering long enough to tell someone what I'm looking for, maybe I'd settle on a consistent theme. Until then, deal with the long load times and poor design. The writing is the most important part, anyway.

- No politics, not ever - If you want to read about politics, go somewhere else. Read the Huffington Post blogs if you want in-depth political writing. I might slip in a joke every now and then, but I like being an independent and I don't think there's any reason for me to sit here and pontificate about it. I'd much rather talk about my adventures in getting laid or make fun of your favorite "indie" band. I hear The Drudge Report and Consortium News are doing wonderful things with politics and news these days.

- I like lists - When hard-pressed for story ideas, I'll just start listing things. I think I got the idea from reading Robinson Crusoe. There are pages and pages and pages of stupid lists that take up a lot of space in that book. Maybe it's OCD, maybe it's boredom...maybe it's simply my Nazi-esque desire for uniformity and order. Whatever it is, there are lots of lists here. Ken suggested renaming the site "Evanslist," but I didn't want to face any legal trouble.

- It could end any day - I get bored with things very easily. It's why I've never amounted to anything. There are two things you should know if you enjoy reading this every day. Number one is, it's a lot harder than you'd think to conjure original topic ideas 365 days a year. Number two is, one day I'm just going to give up without saying anything. That's just the way I operate. If you search hard enough you'll find between ten and twenty other pages I created and left to rot like a decrepit motel on historic Route-66.

- I'm actually pretty smart - I just don't show it. I'm not sure why. Go read through the first few months in the archives and you'll probably be shocked by my insight and interesting ideas (also my large vocabulary!). Somewhere along the line I just lost the desire to think things through. Recently I've exhibited only flashes of brilliance. In 2007 I'll try to be more astute.

- It's not a "music blog" - I like music, I talk about it and share it frequently, but I talk about other cultural trends just as frequently. One week recently was exclusively about films. Year One was entirely about graduating and writing my book. Year two has been about, well, more varied subjects. Year three will hopefully bring even more new features (remember "Letters To No One," "Evan Ostracizes Himself From The Industry" and "Product Reviews"?), more universal topics, and funnier prose. I'm still learning and adapting, and this page will forever be evolving.

- Sometimes...I cry - When people don't comment in response to my posts. Even if you think my idea to reinvent the wheel (I mean that literally, I want to try to make it boxy instead of circular) is utterly retarded, at least have the sense to tell me so. Maybe I'll stop doing stupid things that way. Without harsh feedback, I'll never learn my lesson. I'm just going to keep on frolic into the most obscure thought pastures my mind can possibly grow (what?). Point is, it takes a while to brainstorm these creative tales and silly features, and you're taking them for granted!

- I'm always looking for help - If you have an topic that you are passionate about, and you're looking for ways to open discourse with a ready-made audience of psychos and homos, I'm here to help. I don't care if it pertains to science-fiction, scratch-off lottery tickets, catamaran sailing or celebrity upskirts, I'll take your submissions and post them. I only ask that you understand the English language, and don't ask for money. I don't have any.

- I don't care - I'm not looking to become a "cewebrity," or make any money. I just enjoy sharing weird observations I make, writing about what irks me, and spreading love when I enjoy something. There are going to be grammar and spelling errors. There are going to be plenty of days when I phone in a mundane reaction to a news story, or devote a lone paragraph to something I noticed the previous day. All I ask is that you don't hold me to a very high standard, because I'm consistently holding myself to the lowest standard possible. And if I wind up writing brilliant stories, and I inevitably get to nail a few hot pieces of ass, I'll announce from the deck of an air force carrier, "Mission: Accomplished!"

- It's a joke - An overwhelming majority of what's written here is made up on the spot, which means it's pretty much all unsubstantiated bullshit. Every seemingly racist, sexist, classist and homophobic insult that has appeared on this page is written with absolutely no malice intended. The same goes for any lofty claims I make, or praise I heap upon myself. I don't really wish the Arcade Fire's tour van would plummet into a fiery inferno, and I don't honestly believe I'm responsible for starting a single hot new cultural trend. It's all fake. It's my take on the "sensationalize everything" code of mainstream journalism.

Tags: work, laptop, lunch, two-year anniversary, State Of The Blog, top ten, list, reminder, intentions, imortance, web design, politics, lists, boredom, intelligent, music blog, cry, tears, help, not caring, joke, mp3, blog, download

INVESTITURE

hello world.

this could be the start of a beautiful felationship.

Tags: investiture, opening, inauguration, appointment, installation, initiation, swearing in, ordination, consecration, crowning, enthronement, blog