Baby Boomers Are Pussies ... Vagamente!

Good Wednesday, space tourists! Now that I have returned from a week of groveling and panhandling, I can return to my normal routine -- that is, making fun of musicians and baby boomers, and manifesting the occasional mix tape to rape your virgin ears. Sorry, I know rape jokes aren't funny. They're mean. Like the act of forced sexual intercourse on a male or woman. Hey, wasn't that movie Battle Royale really unimpressive? I prefer the Ralph Ellison short story from Invisible Man (1952), which was about a black student being forced to fight other black students in a boxing style ring that had an electric current running through it. And that shit was written forty-plus years before this Japanese shit.

Hey, have you heard, "Baby Boomers Got The Blues!" This might be the happiest day I've had in quite some time. I'm sure my friend X-er who writes for The Worst Generation Ever would surely agree. "More than older or younger generations, boomers -- born from 1946 (hi mom!) to 1964 -- worry that their income won't keep up with rising costs of living. They say it's harder to get ahead today than it was 10 years ago. They are more likely to say that their standard of living is lower than their folks' but that things don't look too good for their kids either (67 percent of younger generations, meanwhile, feel they have it better than their parents)." While I take great pride in hearing that people of my generation feel we have it better than our parents, that is simply untrue. We have more personal freedoms, but we have less occupational opportunities (boomers are living and working longer), face unreasonable costs of living (boomers drove it up too high), and have had to eke out our livings through a horrible "economic downturn" that is the product of our current boomer government. I don't really know what 67% of younger generations polled are thinking when they say we have it better than our parents. Our parents created the problem, and lots of 'em made good money in doing so. Boomers have the highest median income, they can more easily afford housing and health care, and they have impeccable job security. I really don't see why they're complaining so much...but it sure makes for a humorous read.

But wait -- it gets better. "Now they are the sandwich generation. Now, they are caring for aging parents who live longer and longer and longer, and for boomerang children who graduate from college and move right back home, sans rent or rules." Ugh. Fuck those old assholes who need care from their boomer children. Why can't they just die already? And, really, why can't those meddling kids just get a job like their boomer parents did when they graduated college. Can't we see that the boomer population in America needs a little me time? They can't be bothered to...you know...care about anyone else or do something that isn't entirely hedonistic and selfish. And now they're fucking complaining about it like a bunch of stupid twats. Fuck 'em. Not you mom, I love you, even if you're just as bad as all those other crotchety boomer douchebags who bemoan having to help out their kids with a credit card bill every now and again. It's not our fault you raised us in your own "me me me" image.

Baby Boomer and business owner Mary Furlong says that in the '70s, "We were going to build and idealistic culture. We weren't going to be alone. We were going to leave the world a better place." And then they elected Reagan, got dollar signs in their eyes, sold out their neighbors, killed the middle class, rode the economic boom of the '90s, raised their kids to be just as spoiled as they were, started a war because they realized that's what their parents did when they were middle aged, and now they're moping around like a bunch of whiny bitches because the world totally didn't get better. Everybody was too fucking busy buying trinkets and electronics and SUVs. Whoops!

The moral of the article is that if you were raised in the '50s and '60s you had a vision of the American Dream, and you pretty much expected that when you reached a certain age, you too would attain that dream. Unfortunately, being happy isn't a right, it is a privilege, and once you've alienated yourself and 76 million of your peers it's pretty hard to find any semblance of true happiness. Oh sure, people like Mary Furlong can continue running their consultant firms, make good money, dine out and buy over-sized high definition flat-screen television for the living rooms in the houses they own, but is that really going to bring them happiness? Of course not, they're just going whine and bitch more about how their damned kids and damned parents only want to watch informative programs about peak oil or the war on terrorism instead of more 'boomer talking heads harping about the '60s and how cool things were back in the day.

They're a bunch of pussies with grossly distended labia.

Allow me for a moment to speak even more about myself. You see, back in February, this weird record came into the store. It was priced at $125 by the owner, and I was asked to write it up for the store's website. As I sat and stared at the LPs cover, I wondered...what the hell does Vagamente mean? I studied Spanish for three-and-one-half years, I really should know this. By using the transitive property of equality (thank you elementary mathematics!) I deduced that if rapidamente meant rapidly, then vagamente must mean vaginally. I sat there, at the collectibles counter, studying the cover of the album and pondering just how awesome the object in my hands truly was. Think about it, an album...called Vaginally. I mean, that can't possibly be the real translation, but imagine if it was? Holy shit, it might just fry my brains to the point where I'm completely re-programed and have to learn even basic motor functions all over again. It'd be that mind-blowing.

We filed the album under Jazz/Easy Listening. I think it's very soothing. I think you will too. Open your windows on a warm summer night when the air is sticky and you feel like you're relaxing in the shade on a foreign shoreline, turn up the speakers on your stereo system or computer to a comfortable level, and enjoy this Vaginally.

Wanda De Sah
Vagamente
MediaFire Download Link

Selected Tracks:
Adriana
E Vem o Sol
Mar Azul
Vivo Sonhando
Inutil Paisagem
Vagamente

Tags: baby boomers, Washington Post, Baby Boomers Got The Blues, Mary Furlong, boomers, suck, hatred, ire, scorn, douchebags, pussies, Wanda De Sah, Vagamente, rare, out-of-print, mp3, blog, download

Help Me I've Lost My Faith In The Music Business Again

Thank you Sean from Chattanooga! You and the other ten readers who have pledged donations will be receiving handsome care packages (because I am so handsome, and the packages will be made in my own image). I feel like another two or three good-sized donations will find me within shouting distance of my goal! There are six days left to donate. If you have not already, please do, dear readers. Why? My roommates are moving out and taking their turntable with them, and I don't have money to buy a new one and the new phone/contract I have to purchase next week. If you love the music you hear on this page, and want to continue hearing it (that's not a threat, it just means I will not be able to rip weird, rare, vinyl-only releases anymore), you should donate a few dollars to this page so that I can purchase a new turntable. There is a Paypal link at the top left corner of this page. Or, you can bid on one of my eBay auctions. Or, you can e-mail me and I'll provide you with a mailing address if you want to send a check instead of using Paypal. Thank you. Remember, each donor will be rewarded with a personal "Thank You" gift that I will be tailoring to each person once the web-a-thon has ended (I hope you like disease-ridden needles!).

Of course, I might very well have to keep the fundraiser going a while longer to cover legal fees I may incur in the near future. It seems like I've been slapped with another one of those pesky DMCA copyright infringement notices, and this time my hosting service has threatened suspension or deletion of my account! Honestly, I could never have predicted that one of my favorite record companies in the entire world would stoop to the level of the greedy, anti-consumerist major labels.

Touch & Go, I have lost faith in you.

In 2001, when I was a struggling collegiate journalist who couldn't afford to eat let alone buy records and see shows, I counted on a man named Chad Nelson to help me. Chad was a press contact at Touch & Go, and without question he sent me every CD I ever requested, got me into any show I wanted, and even offered me interview opportunities if I hadn't inquired about one. When I was supposed to review/interview Calexico at NXNW (a venue in the suburbs of Philadelphia) in 2002, he actually called the venue for me when I was not on the list for the sold-out show. In 2005 when I was interviewing and gathering data for my book, he got me in touch with Bubba Kadane and Jeff Mueller, and actually e-mailed me while I was on the road to check in and see how I was doing. He left the label shortly after that summer, and for the most part my contact with T&G has been limited ever since. E-mail requests are not returned in a timely fashion (if at all), promo requests are shuffled between various employees and never seem to end up in the right person's hands. I have to e-mail three different people to request one CD that in years past would be sent to me for review purposes without my even having to make an inquiry.

More than anything, the DMCA notification Touch & Go sent this morning alleging copyright infringement hurts because it signifies the final descent of a reputable company into that infernal abyss where all the "not so 'indie' anymore" labels dwell once they've grown too distant from their supporters. There were days when I would e-mail Mr. Nelson about possible summer internships or post-graduation job opportunities. I even considered working at Touch & Go to be a "dream job". I told myself that once I made enough money to help bands I loved put out records, I would follow that label's formula. Now I have to decide how to respond to a legal threat from that same people I once aspired to emulate. Do I cease supporting the label responsible for releasing some of my favorite albums, or do I swallow my pride and admit, "I fucked up."

I guess this would be an easier decision to make if the files in question were not so ambiguously "available" at the moment. The recordings at the base of Touch & Go's argument, Killdozer's Uncompromising War On Art..., the Didjits Que Sirhan Sirhan and Calexico's Scraping, are all out-of-print -- not in a "we're waiting to get more in stock" way, but in a "you'll have to cough up mad money if you want to smell one" way. Of those three albums, one was a studio album formerly available on CD and LP (Killdozer), one was a live LP from '93 (Didjits), and one was a tour-only live CD that was technically self-released by the band on a separate label (Calexico). If Touch & Go wants to argue that these items are not out-of-print because they're available to purchase on the label's website in stunning 256kbps MP3 format, I guess I don't have much of an argument. Still, Nancy & Lee has been out-of-print for-fucking-ever and you don't see eMusic or Rhino/WEA reporting copyright violations to my hosting service or threatening to sue me into bankruptcy at age 25.

I don't want to get into the whole philosophical argument because I've done it so many times before. Each time a record label I respect decides to turn heel and act like assholes, I wind up saying "this flies in the face of everything you fuckers stood for over the last 20 years, and I think it's absolute horseshit", and nobody seems to give a shit. So, I'm not going to do that this time. I get it. The underlying goal of any business is to make money. Even vaunted "indie" labels. It's something that even the staunchest of DIY-supporters has to concede at some point. I just can't get beyond the fact that Touch & Go -- a label spawned out of necessity at a time when the mainstream paid no attention to underground artists -- would chastise and intimidate the modern equivalent of a fanzine for helping other music fans locate or uncover recordings that they otherwise might never come across in 100 years of scouring their local music shops.

I hate to think this all could have been avoided if I'd just bitten my tongue and not e-mailed Touch & Go to joke about the misspelling of "Tucson" in their promotional video for the new Calexico album. Oh well.

I'll leave you with a quote from Touch & Go's co-founder Corey Rusk:

"Prior to the Internet, the only way to hear music was the radio or a friend. Now, you can find all sorts of legal and illegal free material. You can expose yourself to as much music as you have time and desire to do. I guess the great unknown is where that's gonna lead, what is the future going to be for record labels. I think a lot of the "illegal file-sharing" that's happened up until now has probably been more beneficial for independent labels than detrimental, because it's allowed people to hear the deeper catalog of a label. Most people have grown up conditioned that if they like a record, they want to buy a copy of it. There's something about having that CD, or having that record if you're into vinyl, so I think a lot of file-sharing [enabled] people to find out about our music who never would have found out about it, then they went out and bought it. Of course there's thousands and thousands of people who heard it, and never went and bought it. But those people also would have never gone to buy it in the first place. What did we we really lose there?"

Touch & Go's official response to "illegal file-sharing" is not addressed in that quote, but I'll tell you what that response has cost them: one of their most ardent supporters. If people who illegally download music with no intent to purchase the physical media are tertiary consumers who do not make a difference in the label's ability to earn a profit, I wonder how a spurned ancillary consumer like myself -- who spent years vehemently supporting the label -- could effect a record label's bottom line by no longer pledging his support.

I mean this with complete sincerity: Today is a sad, sad day here at Swan Fungus headquarters.

It's fucking Loop, people! It's fucking live! It was fucking limited to 1,000 copies! The band fucking covers a Can song! What more do I really have to say?

Loop
Edizione Limitata Di 1000 Copie
MediaFire Download Link

Selected tracks:
Breathe
Pulse
Afterglow
Fade Out
Arclite
Got To Get It Over
Mother Sky / Vitamin C [Can]

Tags: donation, fundraiser, web-a-thon, telethon, begger, sponge, cadge, scrounge, bum, mooch, parasite, Touch & Go, whining, bitching, ungrateful asshole, that's me!

Disney And Live Nation Will Kill You And Rape Your Family

Perhaps not surprisingly, the New York Mets Mess lost last night to the Anaheim Angels. So begins the Jerry Manuel era...No further comment will be necessary at this time.

Matt alerted me to this irritating article published by the Wall Street Journal, about how Disney runs their "Tween Star Machine". It's one of the most frustrating articles I've ever had the displeasure of reading, and hopefully you will feel the same should you choose to peruse it.

I'm not disappointed about the references to how Disney is scurrying to develop a new fresh-faced teen starlet to court audiences aged 8-12 in the wake of some Hannah Montana scandal involving risque photos, because I don't know what happened and I could give a fuck. It's how Disney spins their star-making process that really annoys me. Disney executives have the gall to accuse Vanity Fair magazine of "deliberately manipulating a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines," when Disney itself is equally guilty of manipulating young boys and girls in order to sell television advertisements, product endorsements, concert tickets, clothing lines, movies, books, soundtracks, and more.

What's more, the article states, "Disney officials say that their success is not the result of a child-actor assembly line. Rather, they insist, it's the product of a long sifting process in which the company locates good material and then searches out the right talent, often through casting calls." The charge that Disney operates an assembly line is deliberately evaded by whoever insisted that was not the case. Nowhere in the response about casting calls and talent searches does it address what happens after the casting calls, which is as assembly-line-like as you can get. "Once we find someone, we go all in," says Gary Marsh, president, entertainment, Disney Channel Worldwide. Each Disney unit has to negotiate its own deal, but "if we can find the right talent, the record group gets an artist, consumer products gets a new franchise and the cable channel and movie studios get a new actor. Ironic, no?

So let me get this straight. Every two years you take a new child, set them up with their own television show, record contract, and line of products, then move on to the next child when ratings slip...and that's not an assembly line? That's not the epitome of a "Tween Star Machine"? That's not objectifying a young, good-looking girl or boy to create a marketable product? Give me a fucking break!

So who will follow Hannah Montana as the next starlet on the assembly line? Someone named Demi Lovato, whose inevitable rise to fame Disney officials are plotting as we speak. "At the heart of the Disney effort to launch Ms. Lovato is Camp Rock, a Disney Channel movie musical. The movie will debut Tuesday on pay-per-view and then rotate beginning on Friday through the Disney Channel, the ABC network, the ABC Family cable channel, Disney.com and Disney radio, where it will be simulcast. Promotions will also tout Camp Rock merchandise for sale at Disney stores and Target, as well as the movie's soundtrack. In August, the movie will be released on DVD. By that time, Ms. Lovato already will be well into a gig opening for the Jonas Brothers on their sold-out summer tour." If that's not a grossly perverse coup designed to line the pockets of corporate America, I don't know what is.

...Not that I care about whether or not another life in a long line of lives is wasted by the Disney star-making machine (see: Britney Spears, or that teen girl from the last musical/movie who took naked pictures of herself), it's just that...this is our future. An entire nation of children is being raised to admire false idols who are no more than cogs in a machine that wants to blind them to shrewd, unscrupulous marketing campaigns, and coax them into spending money on false products. It's pathetic.

In a related WSJ article (Matt doesn't get credit for finding this one), we learn that a battle is raging between executives at Live Nation over the company's attempt to reshape the music industry. Their plan, to sign lucrative, all-encompassing "360 deals" with a handful of performers, would give the corporation exclusive rights to all recordings, concert tour promotion, and merchandising. The article's author writes, "Sharp declines in recorded-music sales have made it tough for traditional record labels to survive by selling music alone. So a variety of players are attempting to build broader businesses around each artist..." Basically what that means is, anyone who isn't Madonna, or U2, or (Disney alert!) the Jonas Brothers will have a tougher time maintaining a career as a musician because we are about to be completely over-saturated with a dozen or so mega-acts, and nothing more. Total homogenization. You can guarantee that if more labels start following the path forged by Live Nation (or if Live Nation continues their plan to sign fifteen-or-so more acts), there will be so much pressure to see a return on these 100-million-dollar-plus deals that the other 98 or 99% of bands will never, ever stand a chance of having their music heard or having their concerts/tours promoted.

Isn't it a wonderful time to be alive? There's so much to be happy about, so much democratization in the entertainment industry, and so much variety! Did you see that new Indiana Jones movie? Or The Happening? Have you listened to the new Coldplay album yet? Ah, how marvelous we have it...to exist in a veritable pleasure kingdom, a free and open society without corporations seeking synergy at the cost of all us people who just want to have a choice when we're relaxing at home watching TV or listening to the radio during commutes. Fuck!

My Bloody Valentine - Only Shallow [Live 2008-06-13]
My Bloody Valentine - I Only Said [Live 2008-06-13]
My Bloody Valentine - To Here Knows When [Live 2008-06-13]
My Bloody Valentine - Feed Me With Your Kiss [Live 2008-06-13]

Number 36 on my list of Top 100 Albums of 2007. "3rd album of super bleak, slo-mo deep drone psych from these Tokyo Flashback vets, the follow up to their 2006 Holy Mountain release Where The Spirits Are. There's three loooong tracks here in the gently morose mode you'd expect, with distorted whale-call guitars and hollow, lonely vocals... what you might not expect is the distressed psychedelic harmonica soloing that now features prominently (on track two)! Who knew the wheeze of the harmonica could be so fitting with such mysterious and murky surroundings? The gasping, dying breaths of monomaniacal melody it brings to the proceedings are usually appropriate however. And we've gotta say, that's a great title ain't it? Writhing Underground Flowers. Like you've wandered into some gloomy cave full of bleached-white fungal growth, trembling in a subterranean breeze, a living mockery of true sunlit floral splendor... beautiful yet terrible too." - Aquarius Records

Suishou No Fune
Writhing Underground Flowers
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. In The Moonlight
02. A Midnight Ode - Like The Wind
03. Writing Underground Flowers

Tags: New York Mets, Jerry Manuel, baseball, Wall Street Journal, Disney, corporation, tween, Hannah Montana, High School Musical, Britney Spears, Vanity Fair, Gary Marsh, assembly line, Demi Lovato, Camp Rock, ABC, Target, synergy, media industry, Lie Nation, 360 deals, Madonna, U2, Jonas Brothers, homogenization, My Bloody Valentine, live recording, Suishou No Fune, Writhing Underground Flowers, mp3, blog, download

On The New York Mets

Just as I was preparing to go to sleep last night, I heard on WFAN (thank you Internet, for allowing me to listen to WFAN even though I'm now 3,000 miles from home) that the Mets had officially fired manager Willie Randolph, pitching coach Rick Peterson, and first-base coach Tom Nieto. From 12:00am PST to about 5:00am PST, the phone lines were abuzz with callers killing the Mets for the way that they have handled the managerial situation, and you can count me as one of the team's fans who are disappointed with the way ownership has operated this season. Every member of the organization should be embarrassed for the way this situation was handled.

I understand that someone needed to be held accountable for last year's late season collapse (which, by the way, was not the worst collapse of all time -- check your facts, people), but this simply was not a constructive way to deal with the demons of last season. If anyone is to be held accountable, it should be Omar Minaya, not Willie Randolph. Omar spent 130-million dollars on one of the oldest teams in the league. How could they not be expected to break down over the course of a season, or show greater signs of age-related decline from one season to the next? So Willie Randolph wasn't the best motivator, and he had trouble handling his bullpen. Neither of these, really, are cause for dismissal. Especially not following a cross-country flight, and a win against a tough Anaheim team.

Perhaps even more baffling then the firing of Randolph is the firing of pitching coach Rick Peterson. The guru. The geek. The guy whose clubhouse interviews were always sure to go over the heads of interviewers and even the most devout baseball fans. What did he ever do, other than make a bold statement about how he could fix Victor Zambrano in ten minutes? That was, like, four years ago. He made John Maine into a star. He...uh...always wore a windbreaker? I don't know, I just feel like he was unfairly fired. I hope he gets a job elsewhere, maybe with a young staff like Cincinnati, and works wonders with a fresh batch of kids the same way he did in Oakland with Hudson, Mulder and Zito.

I'm so angry with this fucking team. Is it too much to ask that -- if you're going to "shake things up", you at least doing without making everyone involved (except the recently axed) look like fucking assholes? I'm trying to support the team. They're twenty miles away from my house playing a game right now against the Angels and I don't even care enough to drive there and watch. It's pathetic. Fire Omar Minaya. Try to woo a Paul DePodesta, or a J.P Riccardi protege away from their respective teams. What's John Schuerholz doing? To be honest, I think Steve Phillips had higher standing with me when he was fired than Minaya has right now, and Phillips made that erroneous Scott Kazmir trade.

Whatever, I'm done ranting. Enjoy these MP3s, especially the My Bloody Valentine one, which was recorded a few nights ago. 24 minutes of "You Made Me Realise?" I'm so there.

- Congratulations to Sean from Wisconsin, who won himself a copy of Dennis Wilson's long-out-of-print, recently-reissued Pacific Ocean Blue, courtesy of the fine folks at Sony BMG. Yeah, that's right, I said fine folks at Sony BMG. Sean designed the little favicon you see in the address bar next to the URL of this website. As for the prize, the double-CD contains the simply incredible solo album by late Beach Boy drummer Dennis Wilson, who more than proved he had the chops to make fantastic music on his own when it was originally released in 1977. Original copies of the CDs (and LPs) reached stratospheric heights in recent years due to a renewed interest in Pacific Ocean Blue, so now collectors and hobbyists alike can revel in the album's warm, placid beauty. From the first time I heard the stunning "River Song" I've prayed for an expanded version of the full-length, and now it's finally here. The bonus disc of previously unreleased tracks is not nearly as strong as the first disc, and the Taylor Hawkins version of "Holy Man" is downright deplorable, but Sony Legacy has to be commended for their preserving and renewing interest in such a wonderful recording. You can buy the album from Amazon.com by clicking here: (buy this album).

The follow-up to Suplex, which is perhaps one of the five best albums ever put out by the now-weathered label K Records. "Karp bowed out of existence with this monster of a record, arguably the best influence Iron Maiden has ever had on any other band ever (the worthy-of-worship song titles are all the band's own, though). From the balls-out opening riff on the brilliant "Bacon Industry" to the closing, throat-shredding mania on "J Is for Genius," this quite literally self-titled record simply does not and will not let up. The vocals sounds even more raw and raunchy than before -- this is hard rock that lives up to the name -- and the temptation to pump one's fist is almost impossible to resist. The trio's ear for sassy, snarling, hip-grinding hooks gives everything a sandpaper-rough edge to hang onto, explaining why the stomp and sway of "Forget the Minions" and "Octoberfleshed" are so damn worthy of being cranked up all the way to 11. Even if the lyrics can't really be heard -- then again, do they need to be? -- they too are wonderful, if only for such head-shaking combinations as, "My Mazaradi goes 185/I lost my license/So now I can't drive," or, in "D & D Fantasy," "You pay for what you get/A f*cked Erector Set with indoor plumbing!" The coup de grace is an unlisted bonus track that has all three of them just frenetically letting loose, voices yelling about the devil and the like over pure theatrical, idiotic, and wonderful metal angst-like volume. It couldn't be finer. Just what is needed if waking the dead is the goal -- or ensuring the neighbors will grab torches and start calling for a public burning." - AllMusic.com

Karp
Karp
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Bacon Industry
02. Forget The Minions
03. Bastard Of Disguise
04. Octoberfleshed
05. D+D Fantasy
06. We Ate Sand
07. Spelling Trouble
08. J Is For Genius

Tags: New York Mets, Willie Randolph, Rick Peterson, Tom Nieto, fire, Omar Minaya, Wilpons, general manager, manager, National League, baseball, Dennis Wilson, Pacific Ocean Blue, re-issue, Nina Nastasia, James Blackshaw, My Bloody Valentine, Colour Haze, Karp, self-titled, mp3, blog, download, bootleg, live, rare, out-of-print

A Day Of (Faked) Bitter Reflection

Here I am, sitting alone in my bedroom, listening to the totally chillax sounds of Sufjan Stevens' Greetings From Michigan: The Great Lake State, and I'm wondering...what the fuck is wrong with the world? There's nothing funny happening anymore, people don't recognize what is truly funny because they're too sheltered and dumb and uneducated, the food sucks, I had to pay $4.50/gal for gasoline yesterday, and this fucking whiny-ass wimpy bitch Sufjan won't shut the fuck up!

When was the last time you saw something that amused you that was actually intended to amuse you? I'm not talking about instances in which you're walking down the street and you witness something totally absurd (for me, yesterday, it was rolling up next to Walgreen's and watching as four cop cars roared through the intersection of Sunset and Echo Park, came to a screeching, emerged from their cars with shotguns in-hand, and took aim at two Mexican kids), I'm talking about a product that was specifically designed to make you smile or laugh. A book, a movie, a roadside advertisement. When did everything get so sterile, so canned, so scarily unfunny? Even while watching the first episode of Venture Bros. season 3 my LPM (Laughs Per Minute) was down a percent or two.

What's worse, this trend of blasé, unfresh humor has trickled down from the highest levels of the entertainment and public relations industries into the collective consciousness, rendering an overwhelming majority of the population unfit to judge what is actually funny. I call it "trickle down douchebag syndrome". Whereas, for example, Forgetting Sara Marshall and the British guy on "American Idol" might be perceived as hilarious by many, this website (totally random example, I swear!) is judged to be not funny by just as many people. Half-a-dozen people took the time to email me the other day regarding the first "Letters To No One" I chose to post in several months. I'd rather not grant the arbiters of comedy who penned the messages free publicity by directly quoting, but the words "whine", "tantrum", "loser", "stupidest", "attention whore", "crybaby", were littered throughout the comments. I even received a "life is too short" cliche. Ouch.

What's irks me the most about the pathetic morons who choose to read one entry here and leave a negative comment is that they can't comprehend the idea of charactery, and how staged my asshole persona is. Do you really think I give a fuck about a ruined pizza that wasn't even mine to begin with? Of course not! As silly as the phone call was, I'm blowing it up 1000% and intentionally acting like an dick in my retelling of the events. Is it hard to tell? Am I that difficult to read? It seemed pretty funny to me when I was writing about it. It made my friends laugh. If it wasn't an obvious attempt to make people laugh at the sheer lunacy of the event, would I really devote 1,500 words to it? No! I'd shut up and eat the fucking pizza and get fat and stupid. It's scares me to think that inaction -- not striving every day to create something new and humorous and entertaining for people to read -- could lead to my becoming one of those people -- the knaves and imbeciles -- who comprise just about the whole of the population.

Matt pointed out that if I could somehow market a product that caters to people's innate asshole tendencies, I could make hundreds -- literally hundreds -- of dollars.

Speaking of food, I'm back on another "food sucks" kick and I don't want to eat anymore because everything is bland and uninteresting and all it does it make me feel full, which is something I despise. Everything is a chore for me to consume and doesn't give me any satisfaction. No endorphins are released, there is no pleasure involved in eating. Just give me bagels, or toast, or eggs, or maybe a hamburger or two. Food sucks, and it's only getting worse. Consumer prices are soaring across the world, there are famines and shortages...what the hell makes corn and rice so expensive, anyway? It's a side dish. Tell me the price of kobe beef or burgundy truffles just went up and I wouldn't so much as blink. It just seems that for all the space between major metropolitan areas dedicated to agriculture, the end result should at least be a) inexpensive, and b) make me not feel like I just wasted 15-60 minutes of my life.

And shit, gasoline around the corner is at $4.50 a gallon. How the hell am I supposed to get to where I'm going, wherever that may be (how existential!)? How am I supposed to afford a bike to move around locally when any trip outside of ten miles requires a full gas tank, and the government takes 15% of my paycheck? This time last month, maybe I could have gotten one, but now business is slow and I haven't found a way to market a product that caters to people's innate asshole tendencies yet, so I'm going to be on the dole for a while, only without the whole "living off the government" thing.

(Coming full circle alert!)

Which brings me to that pussy Sufjan Stevens, and his stolen-from-Daniel-Smith religious messages, and his cadre of dufus backup singers (also bitten off Daniel Smith), and his Peanuts-cum-Rodgers and Hammerstein, fourth-grade-school-play-on-Cosmopolitans bullshit. Yeah, that's right. I just called Sufjan Stevens a mix between a grade schooler and a grown-up homosexual man. And I think it is quite apt. I'm listening to this CD to make sure it doesn't skip so I can resell it to someone who's into this sort of thing. It's so bad. It's fueled this entire entry. If you ever want to see me slip in and out of existential crisis while bitterly taking to task everybody in America...just play me one Sufjan Stevens song and let the tendrils of unjust hatred start to spiral out of my brain.

Maybe I should put the disclaimer that says, "This is me playing asshole" at the beginning of the entry instead of at the end.

Sufjan Stevens - All Good Naysayers, Speak Up! Or Forever Hold Your Peace!
Bush - Swallowed -
Rahim Alhaj - Taqsim Maqam Kurd -
Pizzicato Five - 空飛ぶ理科教室

Wallenstein
Blitzkreig
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Lunetic
02. The Theme
03. Manhattan Project
04. Audiences

Tags: rant, Sufjan Stevens, funny, comedy, entertainment, lacking, wimps, idiots, morons, stupid people, everybody, corn, rice, famine, gasoline, prices, cost of living, Wallenstein, Blitzkreig, mp3, blog, download, rare, out-of-print

I Suggest The Perfect Beer For You

There should be a beer label on this blog, but too many labels is a bad thing. So this is [not] a rant. I have no idea how else to label it. It's not news, it's not daily life, it's...beer. Fuck!

Finally, a new website concept that I can get behind: Beer Suggest contains over 4,000 reviews (not as many as RateBeer, but whatever) and over 1100 breweries to help you find the perfect beer for any occasion. According to the website it is a "wiki/social community for beer loves." I don't know what "wiki" means, because apparently I've been dozing off while the online community creates an entirely new modern lexicon, but it sounds pretty interesting!

On second thought, this website is absolutely horrible. Their "most tasted beer" is Guinness Draught -- "tasted by 36 users"! The next few beers on the list are Blue Moon, Sam Adams, Stella, Budweiser and Coors Light. In other words, the site is run by a group of state-school-attending, douchebag fratboys. I'm kind of bummed out Natty Ice isn't the highest rated beer on the site, because well...you know how much those date-raping fraboys love their Natty Ice! I foresee this website lasting maybe another month before the sheer terribleness of the site's suggestions and numerous collar-popping members forces its closure. If you want good advice about beer, I suggest Beer Advocate and the aforementioned RateBeer. I signed up for my RateBeer account eighteen months ago, and have since compiled over 150 reviews. And that's not counting beers I consumed before the sign-up date!

So really, what I'm getting at is, if you want suggestions for finding the perfect beer for any occasion, why don't you just leave a comment or e-mail me a challenge to find the perfect beer for you and I will. All you have to do is tell me where you're going, who you'll be with, and what you plan on eating, and I will provide you the perfect beer. If you simply want to tell me where you live and who you're going out with, I'll even suggest a brewery. God knows I've gotten drunk in enough cities across the country to provide you with a solid option. Anyone who drops the gauntlet and challenges me will be entered into a contest to win Transfovista, a long-form video documenting the history of Japanese post-rock/hardcore band Envy, which has graciously been provided by the wonderful folks at Temporary Residence Limited.

Camberwell Now - Know How
Hwyl Nofio - Holy Ghosts
Tim Buckley - Starsailor
Ra Can Row - Sometimes I Get Lonely

For those who are unaware, Japanese heavy rock icons Boris released a double LP called Dronevil in 2005. The first disc was quiet and droning, and the second disc was evil and guitar-centric. In 2006, the band released Dronevil Final on their own (overpriced) record label with two extra tracks. The albums two discs -- much like The Flaming Lips (overrated) Zaireeka -- was intended to be played on two separate stereo systems simultaneously. The following download is the combined version of Dronevil Final, featuring the album as it was meant to be heard, with discs one and two playing simultaneously!

Boris
Dronevil Final [Combined]
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Loose / Red
02. Giddiness Throne / Evil Wave Form
03. Interference Demon / The Evil One Which Sobs

Tags: beer, Ginger Man, RateBeer, Beer Suggest, website, reviews, breweries, perfect beer, suggestions, fratboys, Natty Ice, Beer Advocate, contest, Envy, Transfovista, Temporary Residence, Camberwell Now, Hwyl Nofio, Tim Buckley, Ra Can Row, Boris, Dronevil Final, combined, mp3, blog, download

What The Hell Am I Doing?

After a beautiful lunchtime trek to Elysian Park with Nicci, I've spent all afternoon engaged in a heated debate with myself. I'm wondering...should I post the last "Adventures In Dating" that I wrote? According to Tom, Ilya and Matt, it is really, really insensitive, and I should only consider sharing it with the public in the event that I don't care whether or not the subject of the story -- or anyone she knows -- ever speaks to me again. Why? Because I think she's a regular reader of this here website. A website, mind you, whose readership has been kind of dwindling this month. You're not telling your friends about me, I can tell. Still, you're probably wondering how I could possibly argue for posting such a hateful, mean-spirited story in a public forum (especially considering I'm only three days removed from a harsh chastising of former Gawker editor Emily Gould's pathetic, naval-gazing essay for the NYT magazine)...but you just don't know how fucking funny this story is. You really don't. The first paragraph:

"Dinner was fairly uninteresting, but contained a few noteworthy moments. The whole time we were chatting and eating, I couldn't stop glancing at her enormous breasts. I kept wondering if, when I unleashed those puppies from the dress that was currently holding them firmly against her chest, they would sag all the way to her navel. I mean, they looked really good in their current state, but things not always as they appear. After all, I was sitting across the table from a relatively plain looking Jewish girl, and if I know anything about plain Jewish girls it's that when I finally get around to unwrapping those vibrant, fleshy gifts they keep hidden under their shirts, I tend to end up playing with a pair of slightly deflated balloons."

And really, it only gets better from there. I wish I didn't have a heart and a conscience, otherwise it would have been posted long, long ago.

Which leads me to today's rant against -- of all things -- myself. What the fuck am I doing blogging about food and nostalgia? I need to get back to the way things were when I started...when all I did was share my asinine inner monologue, intelligent, informed commentaries about pop-culture phenomena, and hated everything. That's how I hooked you guys, right? Isn't that what you come here to read about? Tell me if I'm wrong, but I thought posts where I called out sacred cows for being douchebags and faggots was why you bookmarked this page. The last month or two hasn't felt a whole lot like "A reflexive exercise aimed at exploring the creative process of one of the world's foremost unknown modern thinkers." It feels like a shitty Livejournal stuck in neutral.

To quote one of my favorite all time The State sketches..."There's-a-gonna be some changes around heya!" :spit:

Timothy Leary
Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out
02. The Trip: The Turn On
03. The Trip: The Tune In
04. The Trip: The Beginning Of The Voyage (Heart Chakra)
05. The Trip: Root Chakra
06. The Trip: All Girls Are Yours
07. The Trip: Freak-Out
08. The Trip: Freak-Out (Continued)
09. The Trip: Re-Entry (Nirvana)
10. The Trip: Epilogue (Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out)

Hey, is anybody out there enjoying these daily album downloads? Should I go back to the random MP3s or stick with this format? Do you mind my constant nagging to bid on my eBay auctions so that I can pay rent? Give me some fucking feedback, readers! Fuck!

Tags: Elysian Park, Adventures In Dating, ethical dilemma, internal debate, morals, conscience, rant, The State, Timothy Leary, Turn On Tune In Drop Out, mp3, blog, download

While We Cope With Recession, Baby Boomers Keep Spending

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but this Los Angeles Times article about how a large number of Gen-X and Yers are seeing their dreams go bust reads like the handiwork of a self-satisfied Baby Boomer wagging their finger and saying, "Told ya so!"

I guess I approach articles such as these with more than a hint of skepticism because statements like, "Raised amid a long stretch of financial bounty and weaned on video games, cellphones, iPods and weekends at the mall, many Generation X and Y members have barely seen a time when they couldn't spend freely on the latest styles and gadgets" sound as if they are coming from a douchey 'Boomer who does not want to talk about how his generation is responsible for the current economic downturn, and would rather pat himself on the back for having survived a recession and for being financially secure at a point in US history when many are not. These navel gazing 'boomer journalists really do love taunting those younger than them for not getting their shit together and contributing to society. Unfortunately, the author doesn't bother delving into why more and more young people are finding themselves in debt, because to do so would be to admit that his generation raised the cost of living to such outrageous levels that almost every graduating college student arrives at his or her first job already mired in debt. So a quote such as, "This generation as a whole has not experienced any substantial kind of financial difficulty...It could be a defining moment for them," are laughable...because what kind of "substantial financial difficulty" greeted 'boomers upon college graduation? The oil crisis in the early '70s occurred when the oldest members of the generation were turning thirty-years old. I'd say those seven or eight years between entering the work force and the start of the oil crisis enabled most of the Baby Boomers to handle the "crisis" without much difficulty.

By the way, it's worth noting that during the 1973 recession, the price of oil rose from $3 a barrel to $12. In today's dollars, that's an increase of $10 a barrel to $40 a barrel. This week, the price of oil hit $115 a barrel. I'd say the Baby Boomers had it pretty easy in '73. During the early '80s recession, the oldest 'boomers had already begun birthing the youngest Gen Xers. Again, they miraculously survived that recession, and remained viable workers straight through the Internet boom (and bust), all the while amassing great enough wealth to not have to worry about debt. Even in today's economic downturn (if you want to call it a recession, that's fine), they're still spending like mad, acquiring all the useless trinkets they could ever desire! My dad even called me yesterday and asked me to buy him $300 worth of memorabilia from the store. Recession? What recession? Negligence towards future generations is one of the most deplorable traits of any Baby Boomer, and the author of this article clearly has no shame in flippantly citing things like average credit card debt, and the toll of the Iraq war on our economy from his lofty position of gainfully employed, fearlessly dedicated possible 'boomer.

"Paradoxically...research shows that younger people have grown up in a time of great wealth but have more anxiety about their economic future than past generations." That's odd, maybe it stems from watching our parents buy themselves everything under the sun. This article from Forbes states that by 2015, "u-boomers" will account for 25% of US consumption. Until then, I'm sure they'll just continue to brush off our cries that most of what's wrong with this country is their fault, and simply stick there fingers in their ears and go, "LA LA LA LA GET A JOB I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA".

I'm sure my friend-in-blogging "Mr. X-er", who runs The Worst Generation Ever, would have a field day picking apart this article. I don't really have the strength to make it through all three pages of this article. I've already exhausted enough words on just page one.

Tags: Los Angeles Times, article, Baby Boomers, Generation X, Generation Y, economic downturn, recession, oil crisis, inflation, generational neglect, spending, consumerism, marketing, The Worst Generation Ever, mp3, blog, download, Iggy Pop, The Clash, Beastie Boys, Melt-Banana

Record Labels Keep Finding New Ways To Fuck You

I just re-watched the Vinyl documentary with Nicci yesterday, and burnt a copy of it to CD for one of my bosses, so of course I feel compelled to speak about record collecting today. I'm not going to discuss the process of acquiring new albums, or the analyze the psychology of someone who attempts to fill holes in their life with material possessions. I'm going to rant about how more and more bands and record labels are engaging in "limited edition" releases as a last-ditch effort to make dwindling audiences more greatly appreciate their recorded output.

When it comes to ripping off fans, the biggest offender has to be Southern Lord Records. A quick glance at their website is all one needs to understand how guilty they are of robbing folks blind. The first news item on their front page contains the headline, "Boris Smile CD+DVD (special 2 disc set LTD. edition mailorder version)". The release is "limited" to 3,000 copies. If you click through to the label's web store, you are bombarded with different options and configurations of this package that range from $13 - $45. Then there is the "Boris w/ Merzbow - Rock Dream 3xLP", which is "ultra-deluxe," limited to "a little over 3,800" copies, plus, the vinyl version contains a bonus track and costs $32. A few years ago, when fans were paying ridiculous amounts of money for the imported Japanese version of the Boris album Pink, Southern Lord decided to do a limited edition pink-splatter vinyl version of the record. Those quickly sold out, and several months later they decided to re-issue the colored vinyl version (on different colored vinyl), quickly making the original copies obsolete. One must look no further than the pressing info for the much ballyhooed (and much boring!) Boris/Sunn O))) collaboration Altar to understand how disgustingly greedy the label and bands are when it comes to suckering folks into buying overpriced "limited" (but not really) releases. There are exactly ELEVEN "limited" versions of Altar, sets of which were printed in runs of anywhere from 500 to 2,000, on various colored vinyl combinations, plus a picture disc LP. The Boris-owned Inoxia label is equally guilty. If you want their deluxe "limited" version of the Rainbow album (the US version is already overpriced at $35), you can expect to pay about $265 for it. What do you get for your money? Two extra tracks, a video clip (not even a concert DVD?), and a box that won't fit on your record shelf. Even boring, regular old standard black vinyl releases on Southern Lord are overpriced at $16-17.

Hydra Head Records has slightly better prices (from $10-$22) for a standard release -- although $18 for a boring Jesu EP is excessive -- but they too are guilty of terrible business policies, especially when it comes to releases from Pelican, Jesu and Isis. All are available in "limited" and in various colored-vinyl configurations. None sell. It's fucking retarded. You could walk into a certain large (and somewhat bland from a quality standpoint) Hollywood record store today and find twenty copies of the new Pelican album on "limited" colored wax. The "limited" color Jesu releases were still sitting on shelves nearly half a year after the original release. Pelican is by far the worst Hydra Head offender, because they don't even have the audience to cash-in on, but they continue to try and exploit their non-existent audience with retarded "limited" releases. There are at least four different versions of Australasia, none of which sell very well. They even went so far as the re-issue what was originally a tour-only version of March Into The Sea in an attempt to make more money. Priced at $11, you can tell no one is chomping at the bit to obtain a copy.

It started with these labels, and now it's spread to countless others. As of maybe two years ago, Temporary Residence began offering limited color vinyl pressings of every single release. To their benefit, they don't overcharge for vinyl. In fact, they probably have the best mail-order service around. Sure, everything used to cost $10-12, and now they range from $11-15, but that's very fair when compared to most labels. Matador Records (ugh, fucking Matador!) has absolutely no idea how retarded their prices are. The new Stephen Malkmus album? $18. The new Cat Power album? $24. Their standard mail-order prices make Southern Lord's look cheap. The new Dead Meadow album (by far the band's worst) was, naturally, offered in a limited run of 500 copies on colored vinyl. Those "expanded" Mission Of Burma reissues (the originals of which can be found at most used record stores) each cost $24.

Even Elliott Smith, whose albums XO and Figure 8 were originally pressed by micro-indie Bong Load, have been revamped and reissued in "limited" quantities, some of which are numbered, color-vinyl editions.

All of these infractions serve only to hurt consumers and devalue the music inscribed in those grooves (or polycarbinate plastic, in the case of CDs), which is, after all, the most important aspect of purchasing an album. Granted, I don't own a record label during this tumultuous economic era, so I don't know just how hard these folks are struggling to stay in business. I just think that hard times call for a plan that allows music fans to more easily procure albums. A record label consciously trying to manufacture a market for its releases by raising prices and limiting the number of available copies is detrimental to people who want to actually support the artists. It used to be that labels pressed a certain number of records based on expected sales, and if those sold out the market for second-hand copies created itself. This era of cutting back spending in order to charge more and create higher demand for a product is sickening to witness.

Here's a little DID YOU KNOW:
The only Beatles album still in print is Abbey Road.

More fun facts tomorrow. LOST returns tonight!

Tags: Vinyl, documentary, Alan Zweig, limited edition, record collecting, record labels, Southern Lord Records, colored vinyl, Inoxia, Boris, overpriced albums, Hydra Head Records, Jesu, Pelican, Isis, March Into The Sea, Temporary Residence, Matador Records Stephen Malkmus, Cat Power, Dead Meadow, Mission Of Burma, Elliott Smith, XO, Figure 8, reissue, CDs, economy, Beatles, Abbey Road, LOST, Robert Johnson, Swans, John Lee Hooker, John Leafcutter, mp3, blog, download

On YouTube And Marching Morons

Prepare yourselves for even more utterly stupid, wildly popular YouTube videos. I have to admit, I only use YouTube when I want to watch a particular sketch from Mr. Show or The State, or when I desire to see a live performance of a band that broke up in the '70s. So, I don't know much about the star-making power of the website, the most frequently watched videos, or why people get so enamored with watching retards acting moronic or people getting hurt. Quite frankly, I think it's very "Ow! My Balls!", and I'm embarrassed by it. Nevertheless, you (not me) can expect to see a lot more videos from untalented performers in the not-too-distant future, thanks in part to the folks at Microsoft.

New Scientist is reporting that new software from Microsoft promises to provide frustrated songwriters and crooners with instant musical accompaniment to their singing. The program, MySong, is to designed specifically to "let a creative but musically untrained individual get a taste of song writing and music creation," says developer Dan Morris. That's just what the world needs. More untrained retards singing off-key, fronting a made-up band. Sounds to me like karaoke but instead of people butchering famous songs, they'd be butchering songs that do not deserve to exist outside of the "creator"'s head.

The way it works is, it creates a file containing the sequence of sung notes, then it uses "chord probability computation" to conjure a musical backdrop that will match the sequence. I wonder how it will account for the world's tone-deaf population.

You can read more about it by reading the New Scientist's article, but like I've said, I'm sure you'll be quietly giggling to yourselves while watching a new generation of bad talent perform heir hearts out (sometimes ironically?) on YouTube in no time. And it will still be the "Ow! My Balls!" of our generation. I wish I could join in on the fun, but I'm over here in "reality," where shit like homemade YouTube videos are stupid wastes of time. Enjoy the stunningly careless, devoid-of-intelligence, "The Marching Morons" life you've cast upon yourself.

PS - My soda pop-less existence lasted eleven days. After waking up at 5:00am on Saturday, I realized very quickly upon arriving at work that I was going to need caffeine to make it through my seven-hour shift. I didn't have any pills on me, so a bottle of Coke was my only option. Oh well. I also had a soda last night at dinner, but it was to help combat a headache that did not disappear until the wee hours of this morning. Had my life continued along its short-lived soda-free path, I would have greatly appreciated the link to an "Add Flavor to Your Water" article Ken e-mailed me. And at some point I would have tried to include a Yerba Mate drink in my liquid diet. Once you get past its sort-of-gross earthiness, that stuff tastes pretty good.

Tags: YouTube, Ow! My Balls!, New Scientist, Microsoft, MySong, The Marching Morons, Idiocracy, Dysgenics, Soda Pop, Yerba Mate, LifeHacker, Russian Circles, Jack Rose, The Fall, The Microphones, mp3, blog, download

In The Absence Of LOST We Reminisce