The 5 Worst Ways To Get Drunk

Some folks over at Cracked think they have compiled the quintessential boozer's list. Surely they realize the error of their ways. No website has more alcoholic readers than this one. Their list of the five worst ways to get drunk is a real letdown, mostly because it contains obscure drinks from far-off places like Russia, India and Kenya. Not only that, they've loosely defined the definition of an alcoholic beverage to include shit that is mixed together with jet fuel or battery acid. It's a wonder they didn't add Jenkem to their list and call it a form of booze.

Okay, so 1,400+ people have "dugg" the article, none of whom have ever even tried "Tharra," or "Pruno" or "Changaa". Wouldn't it make more sense to compile a list of the world's five worst ways to get drunk using drinks that aren't totally inaccessible to 95% of the population? It might not be as informative as the Cracked article, but as a reader I would be more impressed by a list of five kinds of booze that will fuck me up that I can walk down to the corner store and purchase, instead of having to fly 10,000 miles around the world to countries where the production of alcohol is controlled by criminal gangs. That's why I've decided to make my own list, using accessible forms of booze that pretty much any one of you can find on your own.

You won't find any references to moonshine or bathtub gin on this list, because I think all of us have had the same experience being at a bar when some surly dude rolls up next to you with a jar of clear liquid that he tells you his brother-in-law brews in his basement in Tennessee. Then he stands there smiling while you un-screw the lid -- pretending not to notice the cheesy skull and crossbones hand-painted on it -- and down the entire contents of the jar in one chug, which is usually followed by a few hours of...well...blacking out, I guess. Anyway, Good luck, should you choose to try any of these. Happy drinking!

The World's Five Worst Ways To Get Drunk

5. Popov - My first few years in college, I did not drink very much. I had yet to find my taste for craft beers and find bourbons. My exposure to alcohol, like most kids my age, included shitty cheap and foul beers. The worst of the shitty cheap vodkas was definitely Popov, which I enjoyed thanks to my friend Z. He brought over a giant plastic jug of it one night and after a handful of shots I decided to swear of vodka for the rest of my life. Not only did it smell and taste like rubbing alcohol, but the drunk feeling it provides is on par with having a sledge hammer raised to your skull. I think the reason Popov is only available in plastic jugs is because the majority of its drinkers are the types of dudes who like to get really drunk really fast and then go out looking for someone whose head they can break a glass bottle over. At least the folks who manufacture it have our safety in mind.

4. Black Label 11-11 - When I used to drive to shows at the First Unitarian Church in Philadelphia, my route was filled with several low-price liquor stores. That's where I discovered this modern marvel of booze. I should have known from all the vagrants and bums passed out on the steps of the store not to bother entering, but I thought I was a tough young man who could drink with the commoners. I was wrong. Black Label 11-11 tastes like horse piss and burns your throat, your esophagus and everything it touches as it travels through your body. You know those little camera pills doctors will give you when they're searching for ulcers? It's like that in the sense that you can see it working its way through your body, but in the case of 11-11 it's like swallowing a sword. One forty-ounce bottle of this had me wondering if it was better to sit outside the church and cry all night than to go inside and see a really cool concert.

3. MD 20/20 - The Cracked list included Thunderbird (which is referenced in that Townes Van Zandt song "Talking Thunderbird Blues", but I think it's easier to find Mogen David 20/20 (which is referenced in the Elliott Smith song "Kiwi Maddog 20/20", but it's a fucking Hebrew fortified wine, and the MD doesn't actually stand for "Mad Dog"). They don't make the really high ABV one anymore, but I think the ones they currently produce hover around 10-13%? It makes your mouth and stomach completely numb, and the "flavors" aren't so much a variety as they are a "pick your poison" wheel of fate that will leave you wondering why the fuck you're so stupid for choosing this abomination.

2. Canadian Mist - Late summer when I was drinking to black out a lot, Sari used to purchase bottles of this "whisky" for $4 at the corner store. Now, I've never puked from drinking too much, and I don't have much of a gag reflex, but Canadian Mist is the closest I have ever come to both retching and vomiting without even being drunk. I remember pounding a bottle of this shit with her and her friend at the Hyperion Tavern and, after fifteen or twenty minutes, stumbling around calling friends back home because I felt like I was going to be sick and needed to take my mind off the horrible taste in my mouth and the vile liquid bubbling in the cauldron of my stomach. This is by far one of the worst ways to get drunk.

1. (insert name) Thai Rum - You can find Sangsom most places and taste a fairly poor rum, but the one that my mother brought back for me from her trip to Thailand (the name of which I can't remember) was the most horrible thing that has ever graced my palate on its way to getting me drunk. In fact, I'm amazed that customs even let her enter the country with this shit, but I guess when deciding to grant a woman access back into America, it's more likely the officials at the airport are going to confiscate a nondescript bottle of homemade Thai whisky with a dead cobra in it than a bottle of homemade Thai rum with a poor excuse for a manufacturer's label affixed to it. Shortly after I sat down in front of the television at my mother's apartment drinking the 300ml bottle, I regretted unscrewing the lid. My eyes were watering and I couldn't breathe well. Shortly after I started to feel regret, I started to feel really sick. My chest and stomach hurt, and I couldn't concentrate on the movie I was watching. Shortly after I started to feel really sick, it was mid-afternoon the following day and I was on the floor of my bedroom stuck between my dresser and the wall. Yeah, that was definitely the world's worst way to get drunk. I'll have to call home and ask the name of that stuff. It was a life-altering experience.

Tags: Cracked, drunk, alcohol, booze, fortified wine, Jenkem, moonshine, bathtub gin, Popov, Black Label 11-11, MD 20/20, Canadian Mist, Thai rum, Killdozer, Uncompromising War On Art Under the Dictatorship Of The Proletariat, mp3, blog, download

Rules By Which All Men Should Live

MSN and Men's Health have teamed up to create a list of "18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have". And I think I could do better. Much better. I am, after all, the purveyor of one of the Internet's leading Top Ten-centric websites. Why I haven't received offers from various mainstream magazines to pen original Top (blank) lists is beyond me. I'm, like, the voice of a generation. But like any wunderkind, my work won't be appreciated until long after I've expired. Also, I could never work for a mainstream magazine, because I've got integrity.

No I don't. Please, if you know somebody at Maxim or Details...give them my number?

So, what should grown men never have? According to the author, number one on the list is a black eye. Yeah, right. I think Eugene Robinson would have a lot to say about that. Like, for example, how the author of this article is a total pussy who shouldn't even consider himself a member of the "male" population if he hasn't gotten knocked out at least once in his life. The list also includes "An empty refrigerator" (why, because it's mature to act like a metrosexual and keep your fridge stocked with chicken cutlets and salad? No, grown-up, unmarried men are supposed to just have fridges filled with condiments), "a key chain with a bottle opener" (yeah, because grown men drink Zima, and Zima has a twist-off top!), but "any beer that costs less than $20 a case" (how are we supposed to open our bottle-conditioned craft brews, asshole?) and "drinking glasses with logos" (plain pint glasses, are you gay?), "an unstamped passport" (I guess it's immature to not be rich and travel the world), and "PlayStation thumb". As someone who has been playing way too much Mario Kart for Wii this week, I take great offense to that last one. Of course, I'm not really a grown man yet, anyway. I'm still waiting for my first pube!

Here is my quick list of 18 things a grown man should never have, in no real order:

01. A girlfriend - What are you, a fag? If you're going to win the game of life, you have to sleep with more than your bros, and keeping a girlfriend isn't going to help you any. Here's a hint: refer to all women by saying, "What's her puss" when you can't remember one's name.
02. Phone conversations with his mother - It's time to cut the cord, wuss.
03. Sexual thoughts about his sister - What is this, West Virginia?
04. Sex with another man - Obvious.
05. An article of pink clothing - Your co-workers and all your friends are talking about you behind your back for a reason.
06. An antiques collection - Next thing you know, you'll have another growing collection in your house...dead prepubescent boys in your fridge. Hey -- look on the bright side -- your fridge won't be empty.
07. A buddy - Oh, do you two hold hands and eat ice cream from the same cone, too? Men don't have friends. They just have guys they talk to when they're bragging about how much pussy they're getting.
08. A subscription to Playboy - Go out and get laid, guy. It's really not that hard, despite what your mom keeps telling you when you call her crying about how horrible the bar scene is.
09. A Death Cab For Cutie CD - Save those for the overweight girls who you see at the mall when you're going out for a quick burrito fix. Come to think of it, fat girls are pretty much the only people who should own a Death Cab For Cutie CD.
10. A nail clipper - Fucking bite those things off. That's what us men do. Yeah, your toenails too.
11. Tickets to a musical - Might as well call back ma and tell her she can forget her dream of having grandkids.
12. Dance moves - Have you ever watched a man dance? Have you ever really watched one dance? It's about the most sickening, vile thing I've ever witnessed. Even if the guy has rhythm, he looks like a complete tool. Do you want to look like a tool, or worse, the guy who no discernible dance moves? I don't think you do. Here's a little motto you should commit to memory: He he dances, masturbates.
13. More than one set of bed sheets - What are you running a Hampton Inn? How about you just wash the ones you have whenever the sex-related stains become too numerous to count. Oh wait, you're not going to have any because you've perpetrated every foul act on this list.
14. Manners - What is this, Church? You're a man. You should be burping, farting, and cursing to your heart's content. Who gives a shit what people around you can hear. When I go out in public with friends I'm not above talking about blowjobs in the company of women and children. Fuck...I like to think that overhearing my horribly inappropriate life stories is probably the closest most people come to actually leading fun, rewarding lives.
15. Cookie Cutters - Um...Martha Stewart, why don't you fold up your apron and kill yourself? You're not really living for anything if you're slaving over fresh dough with a set of dinosaur shaped cookie cutters.
16. Glasses - Hey, astigmatism-having asshole, this is the way God intended for you to experience the world -- all blurry and shit. Who are you to fuck with his great design? Wearing glasses is like handing out a free pass to everyone who you see so they can kick your scrawny, geeky ass with absolutely no consequences.
17. A raincoat - What, your life is one giant J. Crew ad? How about you get your head out of the clouds, twinkle toes, and buy one of those cheap-as-shit umbrellas from the illegal immigrants on the street. Or you can choose to walk beneath awnings. It's entirely up to you. Just don't wear a raincoat. You look like a schmuck.
18. A blog - Oh. Shit.

A Silver Mount Zion - Babylon Was Built On Fire / Starsnostars - (buy this album)
The Chameleons - Tears - (buy this album)
Four Tet - Clouding - (buy this album)
Jazzfinger - Justifiable Homicide
Acetone - What I See - (buy this album)

Tags: MSN, Men's Health, 18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have, Eugene Robinson, Fight, Zima, Mario Kart, Wii, list, mp3, blog, download, A Silver Mount Zion, The Chameleons, Chameleons UK, Four Tet, Jazzfinger, Acetone

...In Which I Nerd-Out And Share LOST Predictions

After a few days of deliberation, I've decided that I cannot hide my geeky LOST fan persona any longer. I've got to air some ideas about season four, and you're going to have to listen (sorry!). I know how embarrassing this should be for me. Devoting a blog entry to a television show...is a sentence rife with material that any one of you could use to mercilessly taunt me. Whatever, so I like the prime-time, epic docudrama. I'm sure all your closets have skeletons in them too.

Here's where I point and laugh to myself and nod my head, as if I've caught you in an expertly-set trap.

By the way, if you don't watch LOST, you can stop reading now. Check back tomorrow for something about pussy or drugs.

Season Four is half-over now, and after last Thursday's episode, our little viewing party spent a considerable amount of time debating how we thought the remaining four episodes would play out. We began with the obvious assessment that any events in the narrative supposedly taking place in the future had to still occur before the final "flash forward" that concluded Season Three. From that moment on, we sat here tossing ideas back and forth until it was time to laud ourselves for figuring all the plot holes out perfectly. Here's a short list:

01) Claire is dead. The psychic told her it was imperative that she raise her child herself. We've seen a change in Claire's demeanor over the course of the show, and she appears quite motherly now. I don't think she's at a point where she would willingly give up her son. That said, I think the reason Jack will not visit Aaron is because he knows that the child is indeed his nephew. Although, this line of theorizing also raised questions about Aaron appearing to be much older in the flash forward. Do all these future narratives take place several years later? Or is it related to the weird space/time problems noticed by physicist/weirdo Michael Farraday in Episode 3?

02) Speaking of Farraday, we're all pretty certain he has time traveling capabilities, and he's been to the island before. If that's not true, he's definitely been visited by Desmond in the past. I'm sure this one will be cleared up during Episode 5, since it is going to focus on Desmond and the plight of the helicopter. Of course, nothing bad can happen to the helicopter, because Sayid is on it and he clearly makes it off the island. Desmond, of course, did not arrive at the island on the plane, so he cannot be one of the six who leave. He will, however, travel through time a lot this week, and somehow interact with Farraday.

03) Charlotte Lewis is Annie. Remember the little girl that Ben had a crush on as a child, who remembered his birthday when his drunken father didn't? That's her, we think. It is unclear as to what happened to her during the uprising that claimed the lives of pretty much all the original DHARMA folks. The little girl was blonde, and Charlotte appears to be a redhead, but that doesn't matter. Her flashbacks show she was in Tunisia bribing a man to allow her into a dig-site that exposed the skeleton of a polar bear and a DHARMA collar. Our guess is, she's spent her entire adult life trying to find her way back to the island. This, of course, doesn't explain why Ben tried to shoot her twice in the chest. Whatever. The theory has some holes. But two of the executive producers stated on a DVD episode commentary that Annie is of "seismic" importance to LOST.

04) Jin and Sun round out the Oceanic 6. If Sun stays on the island to have her baby, she dies. Counting Jack, Kate, Sayid and Hurley, there are two spots left. I don't think Aaron counts as a member of the 6 because he's a worthless little baby. It also doesn't make sense that anybody else would take up those spots other than Jin and Sun.

05) Michael is Ben's inside-man on the freighter. This one seems pretty obvious, but I guess it could always be wrong. There have been guarantees that Michael returns this season. IGN ran an article back in July about the LOST panel at Comic-Con, which states that Michael, Libby and Rousseau are among the characters with more story left to reveal. They talk about the actor who plays Michael showing up at Comic-Con and saying he will be back "in the early part of Season four." I haven't checked the opening credits so far to see if he is still listed as a regular cast member, but he definitely is not listed as a guest star in episodes five-to-seven. It would make sense -- considering he killed a bunch of people to set Ben free -- that Michael is still operating under Ben's control in some capacity. Also, Walt is probably the owner of the eye that Hurley sees in Jacob's cabin along with Jack's father. Our little group offered theories about Michael being one of the Oceanic 6, and turning out to be the body in the coffin that Jack visits in the finale of Season 3, but these theories were dismissed as improbable. Although, if it turns out to be true, I'll take full credit for having predicted it. That goes for any of these theories, as well as all those I have not listed. The point is, Michael has already screwed up enough shit during his time on the island, wouldn't it be fitting if he once again bungled his role as an "inside man" and lead to a fight with the freighter crew -- perhaps leading to the deaths of one or several characters...like Claire?

I'm getting tired so I'm going to bed. You can write all your insults about me being a huge nerd in the comment field starting...NOW.

Tags: LOST, ABC, television, list, claire, farraday, time travel, charlotte, dharma, oceanic six, michael

Another Self-Centered List

This has been a shitty day. Work sucked. I'm thinking about looking for a new job already. I was kept late, berated by a superior, and generally annoyed by everybody and anything. That's not supposed to be the case when working in a supposedly low-stress environment. Then I came home wanting to get drunk and the only beer I had left turned out to be much worse than I anticipated. Sure, it was the sixth new beer I've tried in 10 days (thus accomplishing my 101/1001 goal for February), but that doesn't mean it was an enjoyable way.

While I'm complaining and feeling negative, I guess I'll make a list that relates to my current situation. In case you were wondering, I'm not as thick skinned as my blogging persona might have you believe. I actually feel hurt when I receive an e-mail or comment from a reader about what a "fucking moron" I am, or about what a "dumb asshole" I sound like. To be honest, I instituted reader comments because I envisioned for myself a future rife with naked women throwing themselves at my feet, begging me to impart knowledge of the world or share life lessons with them. Whatever. The last thing I expected was an army of faceless losers commenting on my ability to speak proper English, informing me of my apparent retardation.

The Fifteen Most Hurtful Comments Left by Swanfungus Readers

15) "Wow. Irony? From an American? Well what do you know?" - derek

14) "Perhaps you could name your next blog Scorn and Multiple Negative Reactions? I am sorry if I disturbed your peace and solitude in the forest of the blogosphere. If no one hears/reads your trea(tise) as they come crashing down, do they make a sound??" - Curt

13) "I read your blog...most uninspiring. If you need some literary assistance, I recommend my son James in New York - a dramatist at the New Group Theater...I hope you make it to 60." - Douglas

12) "I just wanted to say its people like you who destroy a powerful tool like the internet. I really wish you wouldn't use it to post your stupid and retarted ideas!!!!!"

11) "...came to your site expecting to find a bitchy gay guy's blog and was surprised to find out you are just a bitchy guy. your comments arent even funny, dude, you're just negative. BORING." - Marshall

10) "i liked your first paragraph the first time i read it, when it was called VICE MAGAZINE LAST MONTH" - Ilya

09) "Sitting in your basement is clearly the only thing you are fit for." - Anonymous

08) "Please stop pretending you are straight. Please go tell your mama you love big thick juicy cock." - Rosa Parks

07) "Please stay inside. No one in society wants to see your ugly face." - Anonymous

06) "0 comments implies that no one is watching. if no one is watching, this entire exercise is futile. writing is the most depressing thing in the entire world if no one is reading." - jcb2aph@yahoo.com

05) "The grammatical errors and literary cliches in your writing astound me!" - yokweyuk@gmail.com

04) "was it so necessary to be such a pompous dick?" - nobody

03) "Speaking for the "boomers"...we hate you too." - Marc

02) "I'm not quite sure why I had your blog bookmarked. Maybe it's because you have generally good taste in music, and the mp3s at the end of each entry often include 1 or 2 artists I'm not familiar with. The blogging itself, though- the writing- has recently been so bad that I usually skip right past it. After this entry I realized that all I'm doing is wasting my own time. I mean, we get it. Everyone gets it. You're another jaded LA wannabe scenester, always bitching about other people's haircuts. Yeah, you're so over it, man. I'm over it too. Good luck, thanks for the tunes."

01) "Dude, You might be the absolute stupidest person I've ever come across on the Interwebs. Your list of annoying things is cliche, trite, and embarassing. If I weren't so busy, I'd send a posse of my boys to your neck of the woods to kick your ass. Stop blogging today, please." - NYC1

Tags: top ten, lists, work, comments, mp3, blog, download

The New Episodes of The Simpsons Suck!

What's up with this "The '90s Show" episode? They really shouldn't have signed a multi-season contract a few years ago if they were just going to run out of ideas before the thing even came into effect. Watching these new episodes is like watching puppies being put to sleep. Sweet, innocent, delicious puppies that could have been adopted by suitable families who would treat them well and shower them with the love and attention they so deserve. People like my old Chinese neighbors in New Jersey, who winked when telling my parents, "Oh, we take care of dear" that one time a dead dear showed up on the border of our property lines. We noticed they were barbecuing later that night, but no one had the heart to walk over and ask what they were eating. What I mean to say by all this is, watching the new episodes of the Simpsons is like killing and eating a dear, if the dear was made up of a cute puppy.

Is anyone still here?

The San Francisco Chronicle has outdone me. They published a list of twenty-nine things to be happy about, which includes things like, "We may have a black president one year from now," "dolphins love sex," "absinthe," "Wikipedia," and something about how almost all Americans claim to be somewhere between pretty and very happy. I can do better. Here's a list of thirty things to be happy about.

1) If you're reading this, you can afford an Internet connection. Way to go, uncle Moneybags! How about you donate some of your hard-earned money to this website so that I can afford to eat this week?

2) Researchers in Denmark have been looking into whether or not alcohol might have a benefit to the human body similar to that of exercise, and the results might surprise you. [story]

3) Noxagt - Soft Sugar

4) You're not employed as a writer for Pitchfork.

5) Time is on your side, probably. If you're reading this sentence, odds are you don't have terminal cancer. If you do, I'm so, so sorry -- but why are you wasting your last precious few breaths trying to work through my bad writing?

6) Unless you're really grossly unattractive, you'll probably have your penis inside a nice, comfortable vagina soon. Conversely, you might have your vagina wrapped around a nice penis soon. See? I care about my lady readers, too!

7) Season Three of The Venture Bros. is going to begin soon, as their official website says that post-production is already well underway.

8) Ralph Nader might provide some political laughs in the near future. [story]

9) Every form of media that you could possibly desire -- which used to cost money and time -- is available for free on the Internet. All you have to do is search the right channels and you can find it.

10) Michael Vick's pit bulls are in a better place, now. [story]

11) The new season of LOST starts on Thursday.

12) Even if you think you've consumed every yummy, flavorful beer from America's best craft breweries, odds are there's a whole lot of them that you haven't yet tried yet.

13) You should be happy because I am very happy these days. Isn't it weird? Have you noticed how I'm not funny anymore?

14) You are the master of your own destiny. If you want something, all you have to do is work towards it, and it'll be yours.

15) Any idiot can come up with a half-baked idea for a "collectible" and make a killing selling it on eBay. Do you know how much that Pop Tart with the face of the Virgin Mary in it actually sold for? People will do anything to make the news. In 1998 or 1999 sold my friend Mike on eBay for $0.17. If I did that today, I might be rich!

16) International Delete Your MySpace Account Day

17) A Silver Mount Zion - More Action! Less Tears!

18) Mark Prindle seems to be regularly updating his website.

19) February is RPM Challenge month.

20) Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Those people get so geeked about their new rooms and houses and shit. It's pretty intense.

21) The Monks, Live on German Television in 1966

22) Someone probably has a crush on you. Yeah, in all likelihood it's that really fat annoying girl that the girl you like hangs out with just to feel better about herself, but at least someone out there is yearning for you to stuff them like a taxidermist.

23) Is your boss getting on your case about your inability to multitask? Why don't you print out this article and show it to him (or her, but what are the odds your boss is a woman? I mean...really!). Then smile condescendingly, and revel in the fact that you're smarter than him because you brought new information to his attention. [story]

24) There's a good chance you're going to have the opportunity to see either Polvo or My Bloody Valentine in-person this year. Also, Leonard Cohen will be touring.

25) Shannon Wright & Yann Tiersen - Something To Live For

26) You can handle your drugs better than Heath Ledger can, apparently.

27) There are people in this world who also don't like Scientology, and they're willing to try and do something about it. [story]

28) You don't live in Kolmanskop, a ghost town in southern Namibia that's been deserted since the 1950's and is now covered in sand. The pictures are beautiful, but it's also a pretty depressing story...so click wisely. [story]

29) No matter how bad life gets, you can always tell yourself, "At least I'm not French."

30) Bacon Cheeseburger Cake

Tags: simpsons, the simpsons, new episodes, suck, rant, list, san francisco chronicle, happiness, noxagt, a silver mt zion, the monks, shannon wright, bacon cheeseburger cake

Shitty Movie Night!

One of the online forums that I frequent lobbed me a softball today when I noticed there was a new thread asking for advice on the best worst movies -- perhaps the most awfulsome films imaginable -- one could watch with friends or a partner on a theoretical "Shitty Movie Night."

What the inquirer did not know, what they could not have known, is that for a long period of time I used to play a game with my closest friends that provided me with tons of information about the worst movies ever made. The game involved two very simple steps. First, I would take a series of disgustingly large bong hits. Then I would sit down with the remote control and force them to watch the absolute worst movie that was on TV. (Note: It was around this time that I devised the plan for the "Evan's Terrible Movie Vault" book that long-time readers might remember from an old entry) Sometimes I would even subject them to the same movie twice in one night, on the East and West coast channels. Oh, it was so brilliant. You kind of had to be there, but I think you get the idea.

Anyway, here were my film recommendations to forum member "coach" in Bellingham, the person who was looking for new "Shitty Movie Night" recommendations for the gatherings he/she hold with forum member "tallchris."

Empire Of The Ants: A film that blew my mind so hard I started to get really paranoid that maybe it was the smartest film ever made. It's about a group of young adults who are canoeing through the Amazon, and happen upon (wait for it...) an Empire of Ants. The ants are supposed to be larger than the humans, and to get that affect, the director thought it would be wise to place pre-recorded footage of magnified ants side by side with frames of the actual movie. It looked so obviously disjointed and terrible. Then, for the battle shots, he had people in retarded ant costumes carrying what looked to be the same jousting weapons commonly used by American Gladiators.

Troll 2: Rated as one of the "Bottom 100" on IMDB, this is apparently the sequel to another Troll movie, which I guess I saw as a young boy because I totally understood what was going on in the second movie the first time I saw it. It's about a town of Trolls that wants to eat a boy and his family on their vacation. The name of the town where they were staying? "Nilbog." Best scene of the movie? The one where the boy realizes that Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards!

Wrong Turn: This movie was kind of racist in that it assumed every living soul in the state of West Virginia was an inbred cannibal. For all I know, the assumption made by the movie is true, because on the four occasions I have driven through the northernmost part of West Virginia (on my way to Ohio and beyond!) I have refused to stop my car for fear that I would be eaten by a barbaric gang of inbred cannibals. The sequel to Wrong Turn just got released on DVD, and it stars Henry Rollins. I can't wait until a copy of it arrives at my place of work.

Jeepers Creepers: All you need to know about this movie can be summed up in one quote: "It's not beating you, It's 'be eating you!" In the sequel, the aptly titled Jeepers Creepers 2, you find out that the guy who goes around eating everybody also lives in outer space. I know, right?

Chopping Mall: A group of over-sexed high schoolers gets locked inside the mall where they all happen to work. They throw a party, but something goes wrong with the robots that patrol the mall during its closed hours, and the robots start stalking and killing everybody. Great B-movie acting, tons of giant tits, and great deaths.

AntiTrust: The one where Tim Robbins' character is modeled so closely to Bill Gates my friends and I took to calling his character "Gill Bates." I think there was a period of time when I forced them to watch this movie five or six times in the span of a weekend. It got so bad, my friend Melissa bought me the DVD for my birthday because I was constantly quoting it or referencing it. I guess she thought I really liked it.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Here, read the review I wrote of this modern cinematic classic back in August.

Kazaam: Shaquille O'Neal as a genie. Whoever was the casting director on that film, find them and bring them to me. I want to go down on them for hours as a "Thank You" for this atrociously great flick.

Torque: Sly Stalone's take on The Fast and The Furious. Except with motorbikes. Be prepared to suspend disbelief for the entire duration of the film.

House of Wax: Sexy young people get killed awesomely in this recent horror film. So, so bad. I didn't know what to make of it, so I got really high about a dozen times and watched it over and over again during the period of time that it was on HBO or SHOWTIME or STARZ every day of the week.

Anaconda: Hunt For the Blood Orchid: I guess somebody felt that the first Anaconda movie wasn't nearly good enough, so they remade it with a twist. I'm not entirely sure what the twist was. Many belly laughs were experienced while watching this piece of shit, most of them stemmed from remembering how Eric Stoltz was in the original Anaconda movie (for about twenty seconds, as he was nearly killed in his first scene of the movie and woke up only at the very end of the movie), and my inability to remember what his face looked like unless it was him in the movie Mask.

Airborne: My favorite movie in middle school, which just happened to be on HBO every single day as soon as I came home at 3:00pm. My friend David and I still talk about how many times we watched this film together. According to a recent note I received from him, it's been shown on HBO again lately, but I haven't gotten a chance to see it. One of these days I'm sure I'll find it on a torrent or movie-streaming site. That'll be a fun, fun night.

Tags: terrible, awesome, movies, book idea, list of awful movies, Empire of the Ants, Troll 2, Wrong Turn, Jeepers Creepers, Chopping Mall, AntiTrust, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Kazaam, Torque, House of Wax, Anaconda: Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Airborne

Dispelling Myths About Women. Just Kidding!

Men's Health is running this awesomely insulting article on women entitled "Six Women You Need To Meet". The contents of the piece include breakdowns of six personality types and their pros and cons, including bedroom persona. The six awful, derogatory female personality types included in their list are "The Happy Homemaker," "The Vegan Yoga Gal," "The Alpha Female," "The Intimacy Junkie," "The Urban Sophisticate," and "The Arty Hipster."

Yeah, okay. Those aren't nearly stereotypical enough for my liking, so I'm going to present you with another five personality types that I feel more accurately break down the entire female gender. Keep this list handy, gentlemen, because if you run into one of these girls, you're going to want to know how to act around them.

The Complete Psycho
Her strengths: She's willing to give you her complete, undivided attention every single moment for the rest of her life. She gazes at you longingly whenever you enter the room, with a minuscule glimmer of unexplainable rage in her eyes. She's committed to you. Like, really committed to you. A man who grew up in a house with a psychotic mother will love her, and, conversely, a guy who grew up in a household with two psychiatrist parents will crave the fascinating psychical enigmas she provides.

Her weaknesses: Remember that when she says she is yours, she means it. That car following you down the freeway every day to-and-from work...the one that looks a lot like hers? It is. Also, she's the type of girl who really likes hearing her man's voice on the phone when he's gone and she is home alone...to the tune of maybe 35-50 phone calls a day. She has a rather large knife collection she likes to brandish when she talks about her exes.

Her bedroom persona: She'll do anything to please her man. Anything. Be prepared to have your asshole licked raw, then fucked by oblong household objects. All complete psychos have one incredible trait in common: they know how to take a dick. Through some wild genetic miracle, none of them have a gag reflex. Hello, deep throat! Of course, if you so much as look at her the wrong way, it could mean goodbye, penis!


The Unrealized Psycho
Her strengths: She's a combination of many different styles of female. When you meet, you're taken aback by her personality and interests. They seem to match yours perfectly, and she's even willing to listen patiently when you try to influence her tastes. In return, she might just teach you a thing or two about yourself. She tells you she loves you often, usually tied-in with the word "forever." Then she stares you down for a slightly uncomfortable period of time.

Her weaknesses: Remember, a girl who is always offering to fetch your cell phone when it rings is really only interested in seeing who is calling you. The fact that she constantly brings up names from your sexual past isn't all that appealing, either. When she drinks too much, she tends to pull you aside and tell you about how she has this theory that you have a crush on her best friend.

Her bedroom persona: Well, in my experience, these girls tend to just lie there like dead dogs, letting you fuck yourself into a fatigued state of indifference. I imagine a lot of them are similar to the complete fucking psychos when it comes to bedroom behavior, because if there's one thing you must know about dating an unrealized psycho, it's that someday she's going to make the short trip from "unrealized" to "realized." Ya dig?


The Self-Conscious Slut
Her strengths: Self-conscious sluts are extremely weak emotionally, but they still have their strengths. It's just that they're nearly impossible to delineate from each other. From one self-conscious slut to the next, their passions and ambitions are incredibly varied. The good news for you is, once she finds a man who makes her feel like a beautiful swan, she's usually good to go on the first date, and she'll remain by your side for a considerable period of time.

Her weaknesses: I don't think I have enough space here to divulge all of the "personality quirks" these women have, but they typically stem from a host of different traumas she experienced during her youth. If you want to know more, just check out my list of the Top Ten Reasons Girls Are Insecure. One of the biggest weaknesses inherent in the self-conscious slut is that she's liable to cheat on you if any other breathing male (he could be breathing of his own accord or be hooked up to a life-support system, it doesn't much matter) comes along and tells her she's pretty. She'll rip her pants off and fuck his dick until it turns blue, thus terminating your relationship.

Her bedroom persona: She gets really, really wet because she's not used to guys telling her they're attracted to her. This will fade in time as she becomes more complacent with her role in your relationship. The sex is really good at first, but it eventually peters out. Be prepared for her to cry in bed on more than one occasion due to something entirely unrelated to the pace and/or fervor of your lovemaking.


The Cloyingly Confident Gal
Her strengths: She knows what she wants and she's not going to rest until she has it. Because she is so assertive, you have to deal with the fact that's she's quite experienced in different types of relationships, including but not exclusive to: physically abusive relationships, one-night stands, the three-month "long-term relationship," and a handful of "friends with benefits" relationships that soured once the guy expressed interest in dating her exclusively. Unlike the other three personality types, the cloyingly confident gal has a job. It might be behind a desk, but it's usually something where she can use her excellent people skills. Maybe a waitress.

Her weaknesses: She doesn't want a relationship, she just wants to fuck a lot of rich, powerful dudes. I think she learned how to cultivate this life choice through years of practice with her sorority sisters, probably at some liberal arts school back east. Also, she's extremely independent, so she has zero desire to spend any amount of time with a man. Of course, every bubbly, confident babe out there has a host of deep dark secrets that will someday come to a head. Unfortunately for us guys, we don't learn about this until after we've uttered "I Do."

Her bedroom persona: She'll fuck your dick off, but before you can issue a silent prayer to God thanking him for dropping such a wonderful gift into your lap (literally), she'll have fucked the dicks off five other guys. In fact, before she fucked your dick off, odds are she was fucking some other guys' dicks off. The only way to keep the confident gal yours for any period of time is to conveniently forget to tell her about that thing you have that you might or might not have given her through unprotected genital contact.


That Other Girl, The One With All The Other Problems
Her strengths: She possesses a reasonably good personality, a fine sense of humor, and some level of intelligence. Don't worry, though, she's not nearly as smart as you. Sometimes this girl is confused by outsiders (like television shows and men's magazines) with a phenomenon known as "the girl next door," but you and I both know that particular girl only exists theoretically.

Her weaknesses: Her detriments include everything not described in the above four personality types. She'll make you feel great for a while, she'll suck a good dick and move her hips nice, she'll act like she's committed to you and cares about your feelings, then leave you. Or, she'll she'll be too intense, sadistic, masochistic, too career-minded, not career-minded enough, clean, dirty, uninhibited, inhibited...it doesn't matter, if there's something you perceive as being wrong with her, odds are it's not just a gut-feeling. It's true. Stay away from this breed of girl. She'll only bring you frustration.

Her bedroom persona: Like I stated above, she'll suck a good dick and move her hips nice. Or, she won't. She might be an efficient lover, or she might be inefficient. She could have a vagina as smooth and tight as a twelve year olds, or she could unleash an Amazonian jungle of pubes once she unbuttons those banal, unflattering jeans she paid $500 for. Plus, everything changes once she feels like she's got you locked up. Make sure you break her heart before she breaks yours.

And that's all you need to know about women.

Tags: Men's Health, magazine, article, women you need to meet, personality types, psycho, psychotic, self-conscious, slut, insecurities, confidence, the girl next door, other girls, bedroom persona, strengths, weaknesses, mp3, blog, download

Your New Years Prayers Are Answered

Since you all needed my help so badly last year, I offered you a list of five possible New Years Eve alternatives to going out, and partying, and having a good time. That's because you're all Internet nerds who need to be told what to do all the time. Don't even try to deny it. If you read this website, you are probably a really big nerd who cannot claim to have many friends. Look, I'm not here to judge you, I just think it's important for you to come to terms with the fact that this is your station in life. Deal with it.

Now, because I love you, I will give you five more ways to spend New Year's Eve with less than $10 in your pocket. I'm going to pay extra special attention to this list, and give you 110% of my effort, because I have not a single dollar in my pocket. I'm right there with you. I have $0.37 in my pocket as I write this. And I just gave thirty cents to a homeless man on my way home from work. I told him to "Have a happy new year," but he won't.

1) A Bottle Of Canadian Mist - The grossest tasting whisky I have ever consumed is also obscenely cheap. If you happen to live in an area that has a low-end liquor store, please do yourself a favor and pick up a bottle. I think it's $6.99 for a 750. You'll get really, really drunk and probably hate yourself the entire time, but at least you won't be overpaying for marked-up well drinks at your local club or bar.

2) Hang With The Homeless - If you think those guys don't know how to party, you're an idiot. While you were cutting your teeth at some tiny liberal arts college, doing keg stands and awkwardly fingering sorority chicks, the homeless dudes in your neighborhood were contracting serious illnesses like Hepatitis and AIDS, sharing dirty needles with each other, and building up a remarkable tolerance to booze. Find one of those guys in an alleyway near your apartment, stick to them like glue for the next eight hours, and I guarantee you that when you reconvene with your friends tomorrow morning, your story will be a smash hit.

3) Go Where The People Ain't - In major metropolitan areas across the country, millions of people are gathering at very public locations to ring in the new year together. That means the remote locations outside your home city are probably deserted tonight. Instead of going where all the obnoxious amateurish kids go, do the exact opposite. Grab some camping gear and head out to the middle of nowhere with some friends (or alone, if you're a loner). It'll be supremely quiet. Sounds serene, right?

4) Do It, But Go It Alone - A few years ago I couldn't think of anything to do. I took the PATH into Manhattan, and walked from a bar on the Lower East Side all the way up to Times Square, stopping at various watering holes to extinguish my sobriety. I eventually met up with some friends who had seen a concert somewhere in Midtown, but the several hours I spent roaming the city alone were a lot of fun. Sometimes it's just as satisfying to watch other people, chat with strangers, and generally go it alone. There's no shortage of really lonely people who are looking to make some sort of connection tonight, if you can go to a bar you've never been to before, make a new friend, and feel good about your ability to socialize outside of your normal social circle, you'll begin the new year feeling like a million bucks.

5) Stay In, Tune In - This one's easy. All you have to do is turn your phone off, make sure you have plenty of marijuana in your residence, and grab some chips and soda, because you're going to spend the next forty-eight hours watching The Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci-Fi network. If I wasn't so afraid of my friends laughing at me and making fun of me behind my back, I would be at the store right now buying a bottle of soda and some Pop Tarts. Don't get me wrong -- going to a party on New Years Eve can be really fun, but for me nothing says "New Years" like zoning out on the couch for a few days without so much as glancing at another human being. All I need is the marathon and some snacks and I'm happy as a clam.

If you're going to party tonight, be safe. And make sure you bookmark this Wall Street Journal article entitled Anatomy Of A Hangover.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Tags: list, New Years' plans, cheap, alternative, Canadian Mist, solitude, mp3, blog, download

The Top 100 Albums of 2007

For my final "Friday Top Ten" of the year, I always like to write about the news music that has found its way into my possession over the course of the previous 365 days. In 2005, I think I devoted a paragraph to each of my favorite 25 records. Last year, I wrote three-word reviews for my favorite 50 records. This year, I'm upping the stakes, with one all-encapsulating sentence for the best 100 new records. Strap your safety belts on, because this is going to be a very, very long music-related entry.

The Top 100 Albums Of 2007

100. The Oh Sees - Sucks Blood - John Dwyer's (Pink & Brown, The Coachwhips) shift from unpolished garage noise to fuzzy drone folk is a complete psychedelic success.

99. Scout Niblett - This Fool Can Die Now - With help from Will Oldham, Emma "Scout" Niblett crafts a fine set of dark, passionate tunes that have undoubtedly drawn comparisons to Cat Power. [Listen to "Comfort You"]

98. Tomutonttu - Tomutonttu - Side project of Kemialliset Ystävät member Jan Anderzen is a minimalist's dream, all fractured keyboards and abstract electronic squaller.

97. Uton - Alitaja Ylimina - A long ambient trip through swirling winds and dark shadows, great for falling asleep to after a handful of sleeping pills.

96. PJ Harvey - White Chalk - A plaintive, piano-and-acoustic heavy record that has burrowed its way into my heart while also making me yearn for the old days. [Listen to "To Talk To You"]

95. Hella - There's No 666 In Outer Space - With the addition of a talented singer, Hella has become a math-prog behemoth capable of making you feel retarded or making you feel smart enough to contemplate the meaning of your existence. That doesn't make any sense at all, but Spencer and Zach are extremely talented, and that's pretty much the best reason to listen to Hella. [Listen to "The Things That People Do When They Think No One's Looking"]

94. Ville Moskiitto - Retkikertomuksia - Experimental violin music from a Finnish folk guitarist is like being lost in a deep cavern with no light to guide you to safety.

93. Big Business - Here Come The Waterworks - Great deadpan lyrics and huge, heavy metallic-rock bombast is sure to get you in the mood to throw your body around carelessly disregarding your own safety. PS - The bassist/vocalist's old band Karp are one of my favorites. You'd be wise to find copies of their self-titled album and the next one, Suplex.

92. Soft Circle - Full Bloom - Tribal drums, kling-klangs and knob twirling from Black Dice's drummer and some artist guy perfect for easing you into your high.

91. Melt Banana - Bambi's Dilemma - Even the most melodic album this band has ever recorded is more spastic than any number of noise-rock releases.

90. RV Paintings - Trinity Rivers - Shimmering abstract weirdness, like wine glasses and loops and harnessed fog.

89. Boris/Merzbow - Walrus/Groon - Side A is a cover of "I Am The Walrus," but given a insane, sonically wild treatment, and Side B is a completely mind-blowing, all-VU's-in-the-red heavy dirge.

88. Acid Mother's Temple - Crystal Rainbow Pyramid Under The Stars - We all know about this band of crazy Japanese hippies, but the song "Pussy Head Man From Outer Space" alone is worth hours of giggles.

87. Dead C - Future Artists - Mystifying rock music that is noisy as fuck without going over the edge into masturbatory pulsating electronic weirdness.

86. Matt Shoemaker - Spots In The Sun - Beautiful psychedelic soundscapes that offer to transport you to the most remote and desolate places on earth.

85. Weedeater - God Luck And Good Speed - Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, pounding drums and helpless vocal screeches from one of the planet's finest stoner rock bands. [Listen to "For Evan's Sake"]

84. Fear Falls Burning - The Rainbow Mirrors A Burning Heart - Two tracks of slowly decaying guitar amplifications that sound like a wall crumbling under its own weight.

83. Trans Am - Sex Change - It's not The Red Line, but this album of futuristic electronic Kraut homages is the best Trans Am have sounded in quite some time.

82. Ektroverde - Ukkossalama - This could easily be considered total jam-band hippie shit, but I like to call it experimental improv from Finland, with heavy jazz, Kraut and funk influences.

81. Larsen - Musm II - Avant-garde improvisations that gather a variety of styles and meld them with the generally drone-infused sound Larsen normally emit.

80. Sandoz Lab Technicians - The Western Lands - Way, way, way out-there New Zealand experimental band that barely sounds like music, but also really, really fucking cool.

79. Topias Tiheasalo - Eyes Of A Dead Lamb - This kid from Finland has pretty much reinvented what an acoustic guitar can sound like, producing some of the coolest sounds I've heard in ages.

78. Ben Reynolds - Music Is The Music Language - Oceanic electronic glitches that elicit feelings of floating alone on a raft without a care in the world.

77. Plants - Photosynthesis - Psychedelic folk from Portland that combines ambient drones with twangy mountain music to form a ceaseless rolling fog of backwoods weirdness. [Listen to "Seedling"]

76. Eric Cordier - Breizhiselad - Eyes closed, hands clutching headphones, sitting at the center of the earth listening to the sounds of shifting plates and surface reverberations overhead, as created by a French sound artist.

75. Sunburned Circle - The Blaze Game - Put Sunburned Hand Of The Man and Circle in the same studio, and you get an absolutely crazed collaboration rich in hypnotic goodness.

74. White Rainbow - Prism Of The Eternal Now - Adam Forkner of Yume Bitsu has continued the tradition of increasingly vibrant recordings with his latest full length as White Rainbow. [Listen to "Mystic Prism"]

73. P.G. Six - Slightly Sorry - Its contents are more mainstream and poppy sounding than I'm used to, but it's still the same old P.G. underneath. [Listen to "The End Of Winter"]

72. Qui - Love's Miracle - Heavy, unusual, trippy and indescribable. David Yow actually sings a few lines. It's worth a listen. [Listen to "Willie The Pimp"]

71. Call Me Lightning - Soft Skeletons - I have a very large soft spot for this band, and even though it seems like everyone I know despises them, I will continue to enjoy their spastic post-punk gems.

70. Throbbing Gristle - Part Two The Endless Not - This band scares me, and I think they know it, and it feeds their creativity, and they just keep scaring me more and more.

69. Mammatus - The Coast Explodes - An epic heavy-rock album that will brutalize your ears and mesmerize your mind, especially if you've smoked a little (or a lot of) pot before listening. [Listen to "Pierce The Darkness"]

68. Jean-Francois Laporte - Soundmatters - Total sonic construction and deconstruction, including a field recording of winter winds in Montreal during a blackout...yeah, this is my idea of fun.

67. Electrelane - No Shouts, No Calls - All girl fun-Kraut band has really hit their stride, great tunes and fine melodies aplenty!

66. Jefre Cantu-Ledesma - The Garden Of Forking Paths - So many sounds, so many perfect moments, so many aural mysteries, so wonderfully pleasant, it would probably make William Basinski blush.

65. GHQ - Crystal Healing - This record always scared me because the cover looked like a dude spreading open a vagina on his forehead, but once I got passed my own insecurities I found that I realized that I could fall in love with the record cover as well as the slanted doom folk it contained inside.

64. Growing - Vision Swim - Greatly processed guitars amplified loud enough to rattle walls that will continue forever, or until someone pulls the plugs from the countless effects pedals these fellows always have spread out in front of them.

63. Jackie-O Motherfucker - America Mystica - Four tracks of live performances from one of the highest bands I've ever encountered.

62. Burning Star Core - Operator Dead... Post Abandoned - A disgustingly intense, distorted noise masterpiece that sprawls across the space between your ears and warms you like a nice dose of electroshock therapy.

61. Electric Wizard - Witchcult Today - Heavy, heavy stoner rock from the masters of the genre, so take some bong hits and settle in for a crushing ride.

60. Space Machine - 2 - Knob-twiddling electronic music that makes me close my eyes and imagine I'm on an important space walk somewhere in the middle of the galaxy.

59. Battles - Mirrored - A joyous, furious romp through math and prog rock territories that makes me wish Lynx were still putting out albums. [Listen to "Race In"]

58. Air Conditioning - Dead Rails - A band from Allentown on Load Records that makes me wish I was still living back east and could see these fuckers on a regular basis, this album will fry your brain.

57. White Hills + White Pee - Wish You Weren't Here - One long collaborative track between the modern kings of Brooklyn space rock and a freakishly good experimental group from San Francisco that will make you feel really, really high.

56. Shannon Wright - Let In The Light - A mostly contemplative effort from one of my favorite female songwriters that also shows some flashes of vitriolic, menacing brilliance.

55. Oxbow - The Narcotic Story - Every time Oxbow puts out a new record I feel like it has to be ranked on my Year-End list or else Eugene will hunt me down and pummel me into the ground, but this year they happened to release perhaps their best record yet, so I can safely add it to my list without worrying about Eugene's wrath. [Listen to "The Geometry Of Business"]

54. Do Make Say Think - You, You're A History In Rust - This album really did nothing for me until I saw them live, and then I started listening to it more frequently, and realized it continues the band's tradition of recording great, great music.

53. Kiss The Anus Of A Black Cat - An Interlude To The Outermost - Yes, I only got this record because of the artist name, but I was also pleasantly surprised by the music, which sounds like a less harsh, more acceptable version of whatever that Bright Eyes goon is trying to do with his life.

52. William Fowler Collins - Western Violence & Brief Sensuality - Unbelievably stunning experimental guitar album that captures everything I love about the state of New Mexico, including my hatred of The Shins! Well, I don't know that Collins hates The Shins, but I like to pretend that he does...

51. Axolotl - Memory Theater - Yeah, it's a collection of out-of-print material, but I hadn't heard any of it before (free-noise sound sculptures) so I'm including it on this list of "new music."

50. Grinderman - Grinderman - "No Pussy Blues" is easily one of the best songs of 2007, and the rest of the album is just as good...which makes ranking this the fiftieth best album of the year somehow retarded. [Listen to "No Pussy Blues"]

49. Ghost - In Stormy Nights - Yesterday at work I put on a Ghost record and warned my boss that he was going to hate it, and to my surprise he told me that he didn't hate it -- you won't either, because everyone (whether they know it or not) has a soft spot for Japanese acid-folk.

48. William Basinski - El Camino Real - One track of utterly haunted beautiful sounds that I wish would never end.

47.Vibracathedral Orchestra - Wisdom Thunderbolt - Fun, spaced-out rock music with inventive percussion and jarring, raga-like guitars. [Listen to "Wisdom Thunderbolt"]

46. Machinefabriek - Weeler - It's hard to choose a favorite from this prolific soundmaker, but Weeler is the one I listened to most according to my LAST.FM profile, so that's the one I'm including on this list.

45. The Austerity Program - Black Madonna - Massive swath of rock with a drum machine. After a year of awesome Harvey Milk re-issues, hearing The Austerity Program was like a breath of fresh air from a genre that has stayed fairly consistent for a while.

44. OM - Pilgrimage - Mightily loud, ungodly and hypnotic, this is the epitome of "heavy." I really need to see this band in a live setting, and soon! [Listen to "Pilgrimage"]

43. Brothers Of The Occult Sisterhood - Preying In Circles - Australian free-folk group puts together an album of unclassifiable sounds that could be described as "not music," but something about it is eerily fascinating.

42. Zodiacs - Gone - There isn't enough LSD in the world to replicate the greatness of this recording. It fits in perfectly between any number of fuzzy Japanese rock bands and 70s space rock bands.

41. Reigns - Styne Vallis - The band whose last record We Lowered A Microphone Into The Ground was intended to replicate exactly that have now recorded an album whose concept is the exploration of a lost village located somewhere in the kingdom of England. [Listen to "Volcanoes Of Taiwan"]

40. Marissa Nadler - Songs III: Bird On The Water - I saw her live a few years ago and hated her because she marched off stage after declaring the sound at the venue sucked, but I really enjoy this record, including the Leonard Cohen cover, which I would ordinarily declare to be sacrilegious. [Listen to "Thinking Of You"]

39. Wolves In The Throne Room - Two Hunters - Well, would you look at that, a black metal record made my best albums of the year list! Congratulations, Wolves In The Throne Room, you've won me over!

38. Sir Richard Bishop - Polytheistic Fragments - Acoustic guitar God and former member of Sun City Girls creates another magical, memorable record.

37. Baja - Maps/Systemalheur - With a penchant for genre-melding that parallels Gastr Del Sol, this album pleased me to no end. I've heard the new one (slated for an early '08 release) and it's even better.

36. Suishou No Fune - Writhing Underground Flowers - This little Japanese duo almost deafened me when I saw them a few months ago, but their new album will happily introduce you to the modern Japanese psychedelic movement.

35. Earth - Hibernaculum - A revisitation of several older tunes that sound like Ennio Morricone got ahold of a Sunn Model-T and decided to blow back all our skirts. [Listen to "Miami Morning Coming Down"]

34. Angels Of Light - We Are Him - I don't know why Michael Gira has to be so depressing all the time, but I will gladly follow him anywhere and buy any of his recordings.

33. Nadja - Radiance of Shadows / Touched / Thaumogenesis - It's too hard to pick one, so I'll choose all three. Nadja make crushing, painkiller-slow metal that will either make you smile for the duration or make you want to claw your eyes out...I guess it depends on how black and slow you like your music.

32. Lichens - Omns - Who would have thought one of the dudes from 90 Day Men would turn around and start a project so sparse and delicate? It's basically one note going on forever.

31. Skaters - Dispersed Royal Ornaments - Another prolific project, the Skaters create murky effects-heavy noise with strangely effected vocal injections, I saw one of the guys' side projects a few months ago and it was definitely a sight to behold.

30. Sunburned Hand Of The Man - Fire Escape - An album that combines the best parts of Sunburned... with Four Tet, they recorded a bunch of their drugged out basement jams, and Four Tet turned it into something really dense and pretty.

29. Circle - Katapult - Another grossly prolific band who had several releases this year, Circle are the Finnish band that so deeply loved Krautrock and experimental music that they combined both together to create something wholly unique and lovely.

28. Boris With Michio Kurihara - Rainbow - With the addition of Ghost's guitarist, Boris are transformed from heavy gods to blissfully sweet rock band.

27. Part Chimp - Cup - Evan-Rock has never sounded this loud and in-your-face, with great melodies and killer guitar sounds. [Listen to "Bring Back The Sound"]

26. Kamialliset Ystävät - Untitled - The name means "Chemical Friends" in Finnish, and the wonderfully cracked music will keep you nicely toasted as you enjoy whatever chemicals you so desire.

25. Morkobot - MoStRo - Heavy drugged-out Italians create sounds that make you want to travel the spaceways with a head full of stars.

24. James Blackshaw - The Cloud of Unknowing - My favorite release yet by this master of acoustic guitar, with deftly plucked melodies rich in tone juxtaposed to an omnipresent swelling drone.

23. The Makes Nice - Candy Wrapper And Twelve Other Songs - One of the dudes from Weakling (an infamous US black metal band) has another band, and they write the most awesome sunshine-y California pop/rock music you've heard in decades. [Listen to "Candy Wrapper"]

22. Hotel Alexis - Goliath, I'm On Your Side - So perfect, this album of reverberated sad songs with soulful vocals and gentle percussion, it is almost always in my iTunes queue when I am drifting off to sleep.

21. Jasper TX - In A Cool Monsoon - The latest album from the artist who ranked #5 on last year's list of best albums. The same description still applies: "Evocative ambient dreamscapes."

20. Zelienople - His/Hers - Experimental band from Chicago named for a tiny town in Pennsylvania (I have a friend who lives there!) release another stark, mournful album that sounds like a funeral in an echo chamber. [Listen to "Family Beast"]

19. Rhys Chatham - A Crimson Grail - 400 guitars, need I say more?

18. Grails - Burning Off Impurities - Combining post-rock with drones with weird gypsy melodies, Grails have recorded their finest slab of psychedelic instrumental music to date.

17. Stars Of The Lid - And Their Refinement of The Decline - One of my favorite bands has reached a new height, with guitar drones buried way, way down below layers of strings, horns, and even a children's choir. I love this album so much. [Listen to "The Evil That Never Arrived"]

16. Amber Asylum - Still Point - Not sure if this is considered chamber rock, classical, post-rock or experimental, it is a chilling album that will definitely depress you, especially if you like being depressed by tear-inducing sad music.

15. Expo 70 - Animism - Melding krauty space rock tendencies with glacial doom drones to create a heavy sonic trip that is perfect for comedowns and zoning out at the park on a sunny afternoon.

14. Shellac - Excellent Italian Greyhound - Deconstructive rock music with a sense of humor, a welcome break from all the mournful and masturbatory "high-brow" albums that made this list. [Listen to "Steady As She Goes"]

13. Earthless - Rhythms From Cosmic Sky - They love Hawkwind and High Rise, they might play louder than any band I've ever seen, they record endless songs that are so rich and heavy you wish they would never end. They are Earthless and they rock so, so hard.

12. Jesu - Conqueror - Yeah, it gets a little boring towards the end, but I listened to this album perhaps more than any other this year, and that means the quality of the music is very high...It's like My Bloody Valentine's metal record!

11. RACCOO-OO-OON - Behold Secret Kingdom - Another one of the loudest bands I've seen this year, they play a style of noise rock that really is far from what most noise rock bands create, with remarkably brilliant rhythms and relentless skronky noises. Imagine someone put Brainbombs and Can in a blender. [Listen to "Black Branches"]

10. Islaja - Ulual Yyy - An Unspeakably lush recording where the listener is transported to a place between a deep, wintry sleep and an herb-induced blissfully blurry state.

09. Starving Weirdos - Shrine Of The Post-Hypnotic - Crackling and buzzing and feeding back and building upon layer after layer of sound, equal parts back-porch folk and abysmal industrious hell. [Listen to "Crewell"]

08. Grouper - Cover The Windows And Walls - "Dense bleary eyed fields of druggy reverb, thick swirls of blurred vocals, smeared into indistinct melodies, all abstract and shimmery, soft focus and billowy, the musical version of those soft fuzzy grey clouds that fill the sky at twilight."

07. The Conformists - Three-Hundred - The fact that this record was recorded live in the studio still amazes me, because each song so constantly shifts and changes, I imagine it takes absolute mastery over one's instrument (or years and years of practice with the same people) to stop and shift gears on a dime like The Conformists do. This is a truly remarkable album worthy of a much longer review. [Listen to "Are These Flowers?"]

06. Antibalas - Security - Pure Afro-beat, up-tempo, funky, with a killer horn section and stunning rhythms. Also, it never hurts to have John McEntire enlisted as recording engineer.

05. The Angelic Process - Weighing Souls With Sand - The heaviest album of the year, totally overblown and distorted, with a beautiful voice in the distance, floating beneath the muck and mire, guiding us through the songs and cluing us into he actual melodies that are barely audible below the fuzz and decay. [Listen to "Million Year Summer"]

04. Titan - A Raining Sun Of Light & Love For You & You & You - Melding space-rock with the cooler, psychedelic elements of prog-rock. At times they sounded like Harmonia, or Cluster. Heavy and huge, with incredible guitar work. Watching Titan is like surviving a deadly storm. It's a brutal cacophony. Drums roll without relent, keyboard spiraling with guitar and bass like a tornado, picking up intensity, slowing down to a blissful state of relaxation, backbuilding, and finally relaunching into the cosmos. [Listen to "Track 4"]

03. La Otracina - Tonal Ellipse Of The One - La Otracina intend to envelop the listener in massive swaths of sound...Free, loose space-rock complete with dive-bombing synthesizer tone bends and monumental feedback swells. The musicians are masters of restraint, and for the sundry noises which mak