Help Me I've Lost My Faith In The Music Business Again

Thank you Sean from Chattanooga! You and the other ten readers who have pledged donations will be receiving handsome care packages (because I am so handsome, and the packages will be made in my own image). I feel like another two or three good-sized donations will find me within shouting distance of my goal! There are six days left to donate. If you have not already, please do, dear readers. Why? My roommates are moving out and taking their turntable with them, and I don't have money to buy a new one and the new phone/contract I have to purchase next week. If you love the music you hear on this page, and want to continue hearing it (that's not a threat, it just means I will not be able to rip weird, rare, vinyl-only releases anymore), you should donate a few dollars to this page so that I can purchase a new turntable. There is a Paypal link at the top left corner of this page. Or, you can bid on one of my eBay auctions. Or, you can e-mail me and I'll provide you with a mailing address if you want to send a check instead of using Paypal. Thank you. Remember, each donor will be rewarded with a personal "Thank You" gift that I will be tailoring to each person once the web-a-thon has ended (I hope you like disease-ridden needles!).

Of course, I might very well have to keep the fundraiser going a while longer to cover legal fees I may incur in the near future. It seems like I've been slapped with another one of those pesky DMCA copyright infringement notices, and this time my hosting service has threatened suspension or deletion of my account! Honestly, I could never have predicted that one of my favorite record companies in the entire world would stoop to the level of the greedy, anti-consumerist major labels.

Touch & Go, I have lost faith in you.

In 2001, when I was a struggling collegiate journalist who couldn't afford to eat let alone buy records and see shows, I counted on a man named Chad Nelson to help me. Chad was a press contact at Touch & Go, and without question he sent me every CD I ever requested, got me into any show I wanted, and even offered me interview opportunities if I hadn't inquired about one. When I was supposed to review/interview Calexico at NXNW (a venue in the suburbs of Philadelphia) in 2002, he actually called the venue for me when I was not on the list for the sold-out show. In 2005 when I was interviewing and gathering data for my book, he got me in touch with Bubba Kadane and Jeff Mueller, and actually e-mailed me while I was on the road to check in and see how I was doing. He left the label shortly after that summer, and for the most part my contact with T&G has been limited ever since. E-mail requests are not returned in a timely fashion (if at all), promo requests are shuffled between various employees and never seem to end up in the right person's hands. I have to e-mail three different people to request one CD that in years past would be sent to me for review purposes without my even having to make an inquiry.

More than anything, the DMCA notification Touch & Go sent this morning alleging copyright infringement hurts because it signifies the final descent of a reputable company into that infernal abyss where all the "not so 'indie' anymore" labels dwell once they've grown too distant from their supporters. There were days when I would e-mail Mr. Nelson about possible summer internships or post-graduation job opportunities. I even considered working at Touch & Go to be a "dream job". I told myself that once I made enough money to help bands I loved put out records, I would follow that label's formula. Now I have to decide how to respond to a legal threat from that same people I once aspired to emulate. Do I cease supporting the label responsible for releasing some of my favorite albums, or do I swallow my pride and admit, "I fucked up."

I guess this would be an easier decision to make if the files in question were not so ambiguously "available" at the moment. The recordings at the base of Touch & Go's argument, Killdozer's Uncompromising War On Art..., the Didjits Que Sirhan Sirhan and Calexico's Scraping, are all out-of-print -- not in a "we're waiting to get more in stock" way, but in a "you'll have to cough up mad money if you want to smell one" way. Of those three albums, one was a studio album formerly available on CD and LP (Killdozer), one was a live LP from '93 (Didjits), and one was a tour-only live CD that was technically self-released by the band on a separate label (Calexico). If Touch & Go wants to argue that these items are not out-of-print because they're available to purchase on the label's website in stunning 256kbps MP3 format, I guess I don't have much of an argument. Still, Nancy & Lee has been out-of-print for-fucking-ever and you don't see eMusic or Rhino/WEA reporting copyright violations to my hosting service or threatening to sue me into bankruptcy at age 25.

I don't want to get into the whole philosophical argument because I've done it so many times before. Each time a record label I respect decides to turn heel and act like assholes, I wind up saying "this flies in the face of everything you fuckers stood for over the last 20 years, and I think it's absolute horseshit", and nobody seems to give a shit. So, I'm not going to do that this time. I get it. The underlying goal of any business is to make money. Even vaunted "indie" labels. It's something that even the staunchest of DIY-supporters has to concede at some point. I just can't get beyond the fact that Touch & Go -- a label spawned out of necessity at a time when the mainstream paid no attention to underground artists -- would chastise and intimidate the modern equivalent of a fanzine for helping other music fans locate or uncover recordings that they otherwise might never come across in 100 years of scouring their local music shops.

I hate to think this all could have been avoided if I'd just bitten my tongue and not e-mailed Touch & Go to joke about the misspelling of "Tucson" in their promotional video for the new Calexico album. Oh well.

I'll leave you with a quote from Touch & Go's co-founder Corey Rusk:

"Prior to the Internet, the only way to hear music was the radio or a friend. Now, you can find all sorts of legal and illegal free material. You can expose yourself to as much music as you have time and desire to do. I guess the great unknown is where that's gonna lead, what is the future going to be for record labels. I think a lot of the "illegal file-sharing" that's happened up until now has probably been more beneficial for independent labels than detrimental, because it's allowed people to hear the deeper catalog of a label. Most people have grown up conditioned that if they like a record, they want to buy a copy of it. There's something about having that CD, or having that record if you're into vinyl, so I think a lot of file-sharing [enabled] people to find out about our music who never would have found out about it, then they went out and bought it. Of course there's thousands and thousands of people who heard it, and never went and bought it. But those people also would have never gone to buy it in the first place. What did we we really lose there?"

Touch & Go's official response to "illegal file-sharing" is not addressed in that quote, but I'll tell you what that response has cost them: one of their most ardent supporters. If people who illegally download music with no intent to purchase the physical media are tertiary consumers who do not make a difference in the label's ability to earn a profit, I wonder how a spurned ancillary consumer like myself -- who spent years vehemently supporting the label -- could effect a record label's bottom line by no longer pledging his support.

I mean this with complete sincerity: Today is a sad, sad day here at Swan Fungus headquarters.

It's fucking Loop, people! It's fucking live! It was fucking limited to 1,000 copies! The band fucking covers a Can song! What more do I really have to say?

Loop
Edizione Limitata Di 1000 Copie
MediaFire Download Link

Selected tracks:
Breathe
Pulse
Afterglow
Fade Out
Arclite
Got To Get It Over
Mother Sky / Vitamin C [Can]

Tags: donation, fundraiser, web-a-thon, telethon, begger, sponge, cadge, scrounge, bum, mooch, parasite, Touch & Go, whining, bitching, ungrateful asshole, that's me!

"Indie" Bands Whine About Gas Prices

Joke of the Day: What did one asexual hipster say to the other at last week's Swervedriver reunion show in New York City? [Scroll to the very bottom -- below the MP3s -- for the answer]

Talk about making a story out of nothing...CNN is reporting that rising gas prices are severely affecting indie bands' ability to tour this summer. Hmm...maybe if they spent less money on haircuts and sweaters -- wait a minute: CNN used the word "indie" in one of their top story headlines? Does that mean it's finally okay to say that "indie" as an underground culture is, anymore, nonexistent? Ponder that.

I Said PONDER IT.

Anyway, the article is filled with chuckles. The guy who operates Dirtnap Records laments, "after putting seven band members and their equipment into a van, they didn't have room for a roadie!" Oh, the horror! The band had to load-in and load-out all by themselves! I hope no one pulled a muscle. Punk rock isn't about pulling muscles while carrying amplifiers. Pollstar's editor-in-chief discusses how larger touring bands have to cut back from twelve trucks to eight. I wonder...how many trucks "environmentally conscious" bands like Radiohead and the Flaming Lips use to bring their plush animal costumes and tents from city to city?

What makes this article most egregious and funny is that it's absolutely not anything newsworthy. Do you think independent bands ever really made enough money outside of playing shows to support going on tour? The West Coast-based bands in this article complain that "there are very few cities to play in under seven-hour stretches, which can be costly". Well, the Minutemen and Black Flag didn't seem to have a problem touring frequently in spite of their small fan bases and lack of funds. They even recorded each other's albums, released each other's albums, organized their own gigs, and toured together (sometimes without roadies!) Modern "indie" bands should be thankful that their predecessors even made it possible for them to tour by exposing the mainstream to underground music. Instead, these kids are spoiled, stupid assholes who complain about gas prices or having to tech their own shows. What a bunch of fucking mongoloids.

Burning Star Core - Operator Dead...Post Abandoned - (buy this album)
Various Artists - Lullaby [Bali] - (buy this album)
Voice Of The Seven Woods - 3am, Home - (buy this album)
Colour Haze - Stars
Acid Jungle Fire Pit - 7

"Zoviet France began 20 years ago as an anonymous collective of musicians who embraced the DIY attitudes of Punk and Situationism, yet found inspiration in Terry Riley's tape mechanisms, Lee 'Scratch' Perry's schizoid dub production, and the wonders of non-Western instruments (tablas, bouzoukis, Tibetan bowls, Egyptian reeds, etc.). While each of their albums hold very distinct aesthetics, the basic ZF sound is a eerie cyclical drone built from a interlocking network of tape loops with dubbed intrusions of the aforementioned ethnic instruments. One of the subtle ties between all of the Zoviet France records is the process of recycling material, in which a handful of discreet sound elements repeat throughout the album within a broad spectrum of recognizability. For an album like Hessian it would be the surreal chant "OK, Boys!" and for Feedback it would be the distant whir of a sputtering drum machine. The Decriminalization of Country Music is one of the more obvious examples of Zoviet France's recycling process, as they had been commissioned by the Tramway Gallery in Glasgow, Scotland to re-interpret the sounds of the gallery's extensive redevelopment from a desolate warehouse to a workable exhibition hall. While ZF utilizes various construction site sounds and the resonant properties of the room itself, the dominate theme for Decriminalization is the sound of a languorous slide guitar, making comparisons to Ry Cooder inevitable. At the beginning of the record, Zoviet France boldly introduces the haunting guitar sounds against quiet static loops and rich drone synthesis. Yet as the album progresses, the guitar's presence becomes more diffuse, with only a few fragments of muffled twangs hovering amidst the post-industrial ambiance by the end of the album. The Decriminalization of Country Music stands as Zoviet France's most minimal piece to date, and like all of their records is an amazing, if not required listening experience." - Aquarius Records

Zoviet France
The Decriminalization Of Country Music
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Something Spooked The Horses
02. Electron Gate
03. Stainless
04. Pyroclastic Flow
05. Dust And Scratches
06. Duct Tape
07. Purline
08. Spiiltek
09. Light Abrasion

"In a rare interview in the mid '80s, Ben Ponton explained that Zoviet France would record hours of material and then sort it out at a later date. This brings us to Music For A Spaghetti Western, which dates back to 1986, one of the most prolific periods for Zoviet France. Given the amount of material that they had finished during that time, it's not surprising that a couple of things never got completed, such as Music For A Spaghetti Western. With many of the ZF recordings being splattered collections of short fragments anyway, the shards of hypnotic loops that comprise the ZF Spaghetti Western make sense in the greater context of the band. As on those aforementioned albums, ZF explore the imagined ceremonial music for nonexistent cultures bringing chiming strings, hand percussion, breathy flutes, and extended vocalizations to a dark kaleidoscope of tape loop machinations and multiple delay pedals. If this sounds similar to the work of Finland's Avarus or Kemialliset Ystavat, Zoviet France does share some of those aesthetics, expect for the undeniable fact that ZF are maybe even better at it. With almost their entire catalogue in limbo, any new recordings are a reason to rejoice, and recordings as beguiling as these are certainly most welcome indeed." - Aquarius Records

Zoviet France
Music For A Spaghetti Western
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Scene 1
02. Scene 2
03. Scene 3
04. Scene 4

Joke Of The Day Answer: "God, Matchless Amps are so bourgeois!"

Tags: Swervedriver, hipsters, CNN, gas prices, indie bands, tours, indie, article, Dirtnap Records, Pollstar, editor-in-chief, Radiohead, Flaming Lips, punk rock, DIY, environment, West Coast, Minutemen, Black Flag, SST, Burning Star Core, Bali Gamelan, Voice Of The Seven Woods, Colour Haze, Acid Jungle Fire Pit, Zoviet France, The Decriminalization Of Country Music, Music For A Spaghetti Western, mp3, blog, download, rare, out-of-print

Say Hello To The New Swan Fungus

So, this is it. I think I'm ready to launch the new-and-improved Swan Fungus. If you experience any errors while reading this page, please let me know as soon as possible so that I can fix them. I'm not working today, so I'll be near the computer for the next several hours, listening to WFMU or WFAN or one of those East Coast radio stations I so dearly miss. Also, be sure to let me know what you think about this new format! Do you like it? Does it totally suck? Either way, leave a comment and let me know. Also, please notice that there are DIGG buttons at the end of every post. I'm not going to lie, it'll help boost my traffic if you click it.

Entertainment Weekly, which I always thought was just a website that featured two articles per week detailing LOST previews and recaps, apparently thinks of itself as an arbiter of musical taste. This is the only explanation I can think of that accounts for their "Indie Rock 25" article detailing the twenty-five best "indie" albums recorded since 1984. Not sure where they got the '84 from, but whatever. If they're going to claim they know the best albums released since that year, who am I to argue their pinpointing the exact moment when "indie rock" began.

Of course the first record they list is Radiohead's In Rainbows, which isn't even an independent release because TBD Records is a sub-label of ATO Records (a division of Sony BMG), but hey -- who am I to question the validity of a statement made by major entertainment news source -- I'm just a shitty blogger. I've already spoken about how In Rainbows is "meh" glitch pop, and how only 38% of downloaders paid for the album during its brief online release. Still, I can understand why it's on this list. It's Radiohead. People are afraid to criticize one of the biggest bands in the world. I understand that. While you're off enjoying your blissfully brain-dead Radiohead albums in your densely populated fantasy world, I'll be waiting here patiently, in the real world, for you to come over and apologize by saying, "You were right, Evan. In Rainbows fucking sucks."

The next albums on Entertainment Weekly's list are Spoon's Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga and The Hold Steady's Boys and Girls in America. Never heard of 'em, sorry.

Then they list a Bright Eyes album called I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning. I just mentioned in my Vampire Weekend review how I tried to like Bright Eyes. Do you know why I couldn't? Because I can only take so much complaining before I want to rip my headphones off and strangle the fragile little pussy who can't stop whimpering through every fucking album he's ever recorded. That's why. I liked the album "Fevers and Mirrors." There, I'll admit it. But I sold it to Princeton Record Exchange and bought a Can album with my trade credit. You know why? Because I realized that by listening to Bright Eyes I was slowly turning into a vagina. Bright Eyes is music for high school girls, in the same way that Dashboard Confessional was when I was in high school. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning isn't even a left-over turd clinging to the ass hairs of Jason Pierce, who (along with Pete Kember) is responsible for The Perfect Prescription (Glass Records, 1987), one of the truly finest "indie" albums recorded since 1984.

I couldn't feel any more nauseous right now. The follow up Bright Eyes with The Arcade Fire. I've written far too much about how bad that band is. Here, watch this YouTube video and see for yourself how utterly trite this band is. Look at that young Turk, he's so punk rock! What do they call this music, it's so...edgy.

Next on the list is another style-over-substance band. The White Stripes album Elephant is apparently one of the best twenty-five albums we've heard during the past twenty-five years. I couldn't tell you if that's true, because I hate kitschy bands and I don't care to listen to it. I just imagine it rips off fifty different artists who never received the recognition they deserve, but because there's a girl drummer in the White Stripes and they both dress funny everyone figured they were visionaries. I especially like how the EW staff calls Meg's drumming "charmingly rudimentary." Don't cause yourself any undue stress by listening to something that challenges your ears, people. Stick to boring rhythms and safe music.

Interpol. Whatever, I liked that album when it came out, but it's not better than The Taller You Are, The Shorter You Get by My Dad is Dead, who beat Interpol to the whole post-punk revival thing by, oh, I don't know...thirteen years. I guess I appreciate Interpol's take on post-punk more than I do Vampire Weekend's, but that's really not saying much. The Shins, one of the safest, most boring pop bands to ever garner critical acclaim. Can't stand that voice. Can't stand that voice. Reminds me of Garden State. Yo La Tengo's And then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out. I like Painful more, but this is the first album on the list that I can understand, even though it probably wouldn't make an "Indie Rock 50" if I was in charge of the list.

Ten of the twenty-five albums are from the 2000s. Then we get the Sleater-Kinny album whose cover ripped of The Kink Kronicles. Heaven's to Besty was better. I also think it's ironic how Carrie Brownstein and Co. came from riot grrrl bands who fought for female empowerment and wound up as cute, nerdy girls who wear makeup and do their hair, like this. Way to stick to your guns and and not change your image to conform to the current trend, girls!

I can't touch Neutral Milk Hotel. In the Aeroplane Over The Sea is on my list. But Modest Mouse? Learn to sing, fat guy singer. Belle and Sebastian? One of the worst bands ever formed. Archers of Loaf made the list with Vee Vee, but Icky Mettle is better, and even that one might not make my list. Guided By Voices Bee Thousand is a good one, too. Built to Spill's Ultimate Alternative Wavers is their worst album, so it's only fitting it made the EW list. Pavement's Slanted and Enchanted made the list too, which is probably my least favorite album of theirs. I like how the author writes, "Pavement would tighten up its songcraft and boost is production values significantly on later efforts like 1994's Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain..." which is a nice way of saying the band stopped ripping off The Fall and Sonic Youth so blatantly.

You can't have a list of top "indie" albums without My Bloody Valentine's Loveless, but you apparently can have one that doesn't argue for Isn't Anything as a better album, and concludes that Loveless is better than Slint's Spiderland in the battle for 1991's best record. Nice goin', EW. You shot yourself in the foot twice with that choice. Little known fact: the amount of money Creation spent on the recording of Loveless nearly bankrupted the label and forced them into merging with Sony, thus eliminating their "indie" status. Thanks a lot, Kevin Shields!

At this point, the remainder of the choices are all "Our Band Could Be Your Life"-inspired choices. Fugazi, Sonic Youth, Dinosaur Jr...I like Fugazi, I'd put one of their records on my list. You could say Repeater is a good choice, but in another more accurate way, you could say In On The Kill Taker is a good choice. Pixies, Doolittle. Meh. Whatever. It's like Mark Prindle says, "Are you in college? Here, have a Pixies CD." As far as Sonic Youth is concerned... I'd rather hear EVOL or Sister than Daydream Nation.

R.E.M.? I have never liked them. That's a rhyme! The Smiths? Gay. Also, Warner Bros. took over Sire in '78, so those Smiths records aren't exactly "indie", although I will admit that many people who consider themselves to be "indie" (who all look like this) listen to the Smiths. The list ends with the Replacements, who [apparently] started "indie" rock. Nice list, Entertainment Weekly, except for the 90% that caused me to dry heave and then wet heave all over my nice new sneakers!

Four sadly overlooked bands from this era:

Karp - Forget the Minions (remember when K Records released good albums? From groups not associated with the Microphones?)
Scissor Girls - Skeletal/Binary (the mid-'90s No Wave revival sure beats the '00s Post-Punk revival!)
Killdozer - Pile Driver (1984, Butch Vig produced album on Touch & Go)
Starfuckers - Di Marmo (deconstructed rock from Italy, mid/late '90s)

Tags: digg, entertainment weekly, indie, rock, radiohead, spoon, the hold steady, vampire weekend, bright eyes, the arcade fire, white stripes, interpol, the shins, yo la tengo, sleater-kinny, neutral milk hotel, guided by voices, modest mouse, belle and sebastian, archers of loaf, built to spill, pavement, my bloody valentine, fugazi, sonic youth, dinosaur jr, pixies, rem, the smiths, the replacements, karp, scissor girls, killdozer, starfuckers, mp3, blog, mp3 blog

The Death Knell For "Indie"

What the shit is this? The New York Times Magazine has broken down four of the hottest current "indie" bands by their individual fashion styles. I think it's absolutely sickening. If reading something like this doesn't make you rethink your dreams of being a musician, I don't know how more clearly you can be shown the being labeled with a word like "indie" should be taken as an insult.

This stylized magazine spread, with its comparisons between different artists and fashion designers, is further proof that this scene isn't so cutting edge anymore. In fact it's grown really, really tired. How many times is a music fan supposed to walk into a club only to be affronted with images of manufactured disinterest and posturing before it's time to give up and focus attention on some other joyful hobby? Just once I'd like to be surprised by a group that understands the roots of the independent movement they are trying to prolong. I wish I wasn't such a curmudgeon about something as insignificant as a shitty band, but I cannot help my tendency to romanticize things I like (ie. baseball, rock music). It'd be nice to see more people taking routes once forged by idealistic types like Gerald Cosloy (before Matador went to shit), the Effigies, Ian MacKaye, the Dead Kennedys, Corey Rusk and Greg Ginn. There's a reason I have such great respect for a band like Tarentel, and for Jefre Cantu in particular. More than any musician I have met and spoken to, he grasps the importance of the DIY ethic. The times I have spent in his company have served only to further my belief that he is one of the most important people currently involved in the music industry on any level. If every band operated like Tarentel, or had a member who helped the community by running a label as unique and awesome as Root Strata (there are plenty more I could name that I admire, but I'd feel like I was just name-dropping), it might revitalize my faith in this suddenly depraved, over-commercialized music landscape.

That's the end of my rant for the day. The Godfather is on TV now.

Tags: new york times, indie, rant

Why Matador Sucks: A Brief Castigation Of The "Independent" Record Industry

It seems to me that an increasing number of music fans are willing to ignore the continued insults to our collective intelligence perpetrated by a number of supposedly "indie" record labels. Those of us who enjoy sharing music with our friends and small audiences (music bloggers, of general bloggers who enjoy hosting music -- like myself) have had to deal with a growing number of complaints or threats from those responsible for releasing some of our favorite records. These same folks, who once took pride in the fact that they were operating far outside of the mainstream, and who openly spoke about the problems involved in running businesses inherently risky to their own financial stability, have now conspired to fatten their bankrolls at the expense of the very people who helped them achieve some level of success through years of dedication and support. Whereas once their philosophy was to supply music to underground enthusiasts at great personal cost, they have more recently done everything possible to destroy the tenets for which they once stood. The process of centralization and the creation of an "independent" lobby group to protect the rights of "indie" labels was just a starting point. The immoral, anti-consumer practices are going to continue, and hopefully more music fans will take notice and use their voices in an attempt to do something about it.

Now, the reason for this long-winded missive is because Matador Records has done away with their free MP3 page. The same label that is responsible for hiring Web Sheriff to threaten legal action against any blogger hosting MP3s recorded by Matador artists has now decided that they no longer want to provide free tracks for potential consumers because it has lead to bloggers linking to directly their server. Instead, they ask that fans please look for MP3s on individual artists pages rather than the label's website.

Are those in charge of Matador really that concerned about their website's bandwidth? Or have they become so greedy and power-hungry that they've taken away what used to be one of the most lenient digital music policies of any label just to sucker more money out of fans by forcing them to purchase tracks through online retailers? Whatever the reasoning, I'm calling bullshit on them. Not only that, I've gone ahead and added them to my running "blacklist". And, as much as I'd like to hear the expanded re-issues of Mission of Burma's Ace Of Hearts catalog, I'm not going to give Matador a single penny ever again. No more Mogwai shows. No more Dead Meadow shows. No more Malkmus shows. Let them recoup their money elsewhere.

Tags: indie, mainstream, underground, labels, matador records, faggots, mp3s, blacklist, mp3, download, blog

The Top 100 Albums of 2007

For my final "Friday Top Ten" of the year, I always like to write about the news music that has found its way into my possession over the course of the previous 365 days. In 2005, I think I devoted a paragraph to each of my favorite 25 records. Last year, I wrote three-word reviews for my favorite 50 records. This year, I'm upping the stakes, with one all-encapsulating sentence for the best 100 new records. Strap your safety belts on, because this is going to be a very, very long music-related entry.

The Top 100 Albums Of 2007

100. The Oh Sees - Sucks Blood - John Dwyer's (Pink & Brown, The Coachwhips) shift from unpolished garage noise to fuzzy drone folk is a complete psychedelic success.

99. Scout Niblett - This Fool Can Die Now - With help from Will Oldham, Emma "Scout" Niblett crafts a fine set of dark, passionate tunes that have undoubtedly drawn comparisons to Cat Power. [Listen to "Comfort You"]

98. Tomutonttu - Tomutonttu - Side project of Kemialliset Ystävät member Jan Anderzen is a minimalist's dream, all fractured keyboards and abstract electronic squaller.

97. Uton - Alitaja Ylimina - A long ambient trip through swirling winds and dark shadows, great for falling asleep to after a handful of sleeping pills.

96. PJ Harvey - White Chalk - A plaintive, piano-and-acoustic heavy record that has burrowed its way into my heart while also making me yearn for the old days. [Listen to "To Talk To You"]

95. Hella - There's No 666 In Outer Space - With the addition of a talented singer, Hella has become a math-prog behemoth capable of making you feel retarded or making you feel smart enough to contemplate the meaning of your existence. That doesn't make any sense at all, but Spencer and Zach are extremely talented, and that's pretty much the best reason to listen to Hella. [Listen to "The Things That People Do When They Think No One's Looking"]

94. Ville Moskiitto - Retkikertomuksia - Experimental violin music from a Finnish folk guitarist is like being lost in a deep cavern with no light to guide you to safety.

93. Big Business - Here Come The Waterworks - Great deadpan lyrics and huge, heavy metallic-rock bombast is sure to get you in the mood to throw your body around carelessly disregarding your own safety. PS - The bassist/vocalist's old band Karp are one of my favorites. You'd be wise to find copies of their self-titled album and the next one, Suplex.

92. Soft Circle - Full Bloom - Tribal drums, kling-klangs and knob twirling from Black Dice's drummer and some artist guy perfect for easing you into your high.

91. Melt Banana - Bambi's Dilemma - Even the most melodic album this band has ever recorded is more spastic than any number of noise-rock releases.

90. RV Paintings - Trinity Rivers - Shimmering abstract weirdness, like wine glasses and loops and harnessed fog.

89. Boris/Merzbow - Walrus/Groon - Side A is a cover of "I Am The Walrus," but given a insane, sonically wild treatment, and Side B is a completely mind-blowing, all-VU's-in-the-red heavy dirge.

88. Acid Mother's Temple - Crystal Rainbow Pyramid Under The Stars - We all know about this band of crazy Japanese hippies, but the song "Pussy Head Man From Outer Space" alone is worth hours of giggles.

87. Dead C - Future Artists - Mystifying rock music that is noisy as fuck without going over the edge into masturbatory pulsating electronic weirdness.

86. Matt Shoemaker - Spots In The Sun - Beautiful psychedelic soundscapes that offer to transport you to the most remote and desolate places on earth.

85. Weedeater - God Luck And Good Speed - Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz, pounding drums and helpless vocal screeches from one of the planet's finest stoner rock bands. [Listen to "For Evan's Sake"]

84. Fear Falls Burning - The Rainbow Mirrors A Burning Heart - Two tracks of slowly decaying guitar amplifications that sound like a wall crumbling under its own weight.

83. Trans Am - Sex Change - It's not The Red Line, but this album of futuristic electronic Kraut homages is the best Trans Am have sounded in quite some time.

82. Ektroverde - Ukkossalama - This could easily be considered total jam-band hippie shit, but I like to call it experimental improv from Finland, with heavy jazz, Kraut and funk influences.

81. Larsen - Musm II - Avant-garde improvisations that gather a variety of styles and meld them with the generally drone-infused sound Larsen normally emit.

80. Sandoz Lab Technicians - The Western Lands - Way, way, way out-there New Zealand experimental band that barely sounds like music, but also really, really fucking cool.

79. Topias Tiheasalo - Eyes Of A Dead Lamb - This kid from Finland has pretty much reinvented what an acoustic guitar can sound like, producing some of the coolest sounds I've heard in ages.

78. Ben Reynolds - Music Is The Music Language - Oceanic electronic glitches that elicit feelings of floating alone on a raft without a care in the world.

77. Plants - Photosynthesis - Psychedelic folk from Portland that combines ambient drones with twangy mountain music to form a ceaseless rolling fog of backwoods weirdness. [Listen to "Seedling"]

76. Eric Cordier - Breizhiselad - Eyes closed, hands clutching headphones, sitting at the center of the earth listening to the sounds of shifting plates and surface reverberations overhead, as created by a French sound artist.

75. Sunburned Circle - The Blaze Game - Put Sunburned Hand Of The Man and Circle in the same studio, and you get an absolutely crazed collaboration rich in hypnotic goodness.

74. White Rainbow - Prism Of The Eternal Now - Adam Forkner of Yume Bitsu has continued the tradition of increasingly vibrant recordings with his latest full length as White Rainbow. [Listen to "Mystic Prism"]

73. P.G. Six - Slightly Sorry - Its contents are more mainstream and poppy sounding than I'm used to, but it's still the same old P.G. underneath. [Listen to "The End Of Winter"]

72. Qui - Love's Miracle - Heavy, unusual, trippy and indescribable. David Yow actually sings a few lines. It's worth a listen. [Listen to "Willie The Pimp"]

71. Call Me Lightning - Soft Skeletons - I have a very large soft spot for this band, and even though it seems like everyone I know despises them, I will continue to enjoy their spastic post-punk gems.

70. Throbbing Gristle - Part Two The Endless Not - This band scares me, and I think they know it, and it feeds their creativity, and they just keep scaring me more and more.

69. Mammatus - The Coast Explodes - An epic heavy-rock album that will brutalize your ears and mesmerize your mind, especially if you've smoked a little (or a lot of) pot before listening. [Listen to "Pierce The Darkness"]

68. Jean-Francois Laporte - Soundmatters - Total sonic construction and deconstruction, including a field recording of winter winds in Montreal during a blackout...yeah, this is my idea of fun.

67. Electrelane - No Shouts, No Calls - All girl fun-Kraut band has really hit their stride, great tunes and fine melodies aplenty!

66. Jefre Cantu-Ledesma - The Garden Of Forking Paths - So many sounds, so many perfect moments, so many aural mysteries, so wonderfully pleasant, it would probably make William Basinski blush.

65. GHQ - Crystal Healing - This record always scared me because the cover looked like a dude spreading open a vagina on his forehead, but once I got passed my own insecurities I found that I realized that I could fall in love with the record cover as well as the slanted doom folk it contained inside.

64. Growing - Vision Swim - Greatly processed guitars amplified loud enough to rattle walls that will continue forever, or until someone pulls the plugs from the countless effects pedals these fellows always have spread out in front of them.

63. Jackie-O Motherfucker - America Mystica - Four tracks of live performances from one of the highest bands I've ever encountered.

62. Burning Star Core - Operator Dead... Post Abandoned - A disgustingly intense, distorted noise masterpiece that sprawls across the space between your ears and warms you like a nice dose of electroshock therapy.

61. Electric Wizard - Witchcult Today - Heavy, heavy stoner rock from the masters of the genre, so take some bong hits and settle in for a crushing ride.

60. Space Machine - 2 - Knob-twiddling electronic music that makes me close my eyes and imagine I'm on an important space walk somewhere in the middle of the galaxy.

59. Battles - Mirrored - A joyous, furious romp through math and prog rock territories that makes me wish Lynx were still putting out albums. [Listen to "Race In"]

58. Air Conditioning - Dead Rails - A band from Allentown on Load Records that makes me wish I was still living back east and could see these fuckers on a regular basis, this album will fry your brain.

57. White Hills + White Pee - Wish You Weren't Here - One long collaborative track between the modern kings of Brooklyn space rock and a freakishly good experimental group from San Francisco that will make you feel really, really high.

56. Shannon Wright - Let In The Light - A mostly contemplative effort from one of my favorite female songwriters that also shows some flashes of vitriolic, menacing brilliance.

55. Oxbow - The Narcotic Story - Every time Oxbow puts out a new record I feel like it has to be ranked on my Year-End list or else Eugene will hunt me down and pummel me into the ground, but this year they happened to release perhaps their best record yet, so I can safely add it to my list without worrying about Eugene's wrath. [Listen to "The Geometry Of Business"]

54. Do Make Say Think - You, You're A History In Rust - This album really did nothing for me until I saw them live, and then I started listening to it more frequently, and realized it continues the band's tradition of recording great, great music.

53. Kiss The Anus Of A Black Cat - An Interlude To The Outermost - Yes, I only got this record because of the artist name, but I was also pleasantly surprised by the music, which sounds like a less harsh, more acceptable version of whatever that Bright Eyes goon is trying to do with his life.

52. William Fowler Collins - Western Violence & Brief Sensuality - Unbelievably stunning experimental guitar album that captures everything I love about the state of New Mexico, including my hatred of The Shins! Well, I don't know that Collins hates The Shins, but I like to pretend that he does...

51. Axolotl - Memory Theater - Yeah, it's a collection of out-of-print material, but I hadn't heard any of it before (free-noise sound sculptures) so I'm including it on this list of "new music."

50. Grinderman - Grinderman - "No Pussy Blues" is easily one of the best songs of 2007, and the rest of the album is just as good...which makes ranking this the fiftieth best album of the year somehow retarded. [Listen to "No Pussy Blues"]

49. Ghost - In Stormy Nights - Yesterday at work I put on a Ghost record and warned my boss that he was going to hate it, and to my surprise he told me that he didn't hate it -- you won't either, because everyone (whether they know it or not) has a soft spot for Japanese acid-folk.

48. William Basinski - El Camino Real - One track of utterly haunted beautiful sounds that I wish would never end.

47.Vibracathedral Orchestra - Wisdom Thunderbolt - Fun, spaced-out rock music with inventive percussion and jarring, raga-like guitars. [Listen to "Wisdom Thunderbolt"]

46. Machinefabriek - Weeler - It's hard to choose a favorite from this prolific soundmaker, but Weeler is the one I listened to most according to my LAST.FM profile, so that's the one I'm including on this list.

45. The Austerity Program - Black Madonna - Massive swath of rock with a drum machine. After a year of awesome Harvey Milk re-issues, hearing The Austerity Program was like a breath of fresh air from a genre that has stayed fairly consistent for a while.

44. OM - Pilgrimage - Mightily loud, ungodly and hypnotic, this is the epitome of "heavy." I really need to see this band in a live setting, and soon! [Listen to "Pilgrimage"]

43. Brothers Of The Occult Sisterhood - Preying In Circles - Australian free-folk group puts together an album of unclassifiable sounds that could be described as "not music," but something about it is eerily fascinating.

42. Zodiacs - Gone - There isn't enough LSD in the world to replicate the greatness of this recording. It fits in perfectly between any number of fuzzy Japanese rock bands and 70s space rock bands.

41. Reigns - Styne Vallis - The band whose last record We Lowered A Microphone Into The Ground was intended to replicate exactly that have now recorded an album whose concept is the exploration of a lost village located somewhere in the kingdom of England. [Listen to "Volcanoes Of Taiwan"]

40. Marissa Nadler - Songs III: Bird On The Water - I saw her live a few years ago and hated her because she marched off stage after declaring the sound at the venue sucked, but I really enjoy this record, including the Leonard Cohen cover, which I would ordinarily declare to be sacrilegious. [Listen to "Thinking Of You"]

39. Wolves In The Throne Room - Two Hunters - Well, would you look at that, a black metal record made my best albums of the year list! Congratulations, Wolves In The Throne Room, you've won me over!

38. Sir Richard Bishop - Polytheistic Fragments - Acoustic guitar God and former member of Sun City Girls creates another magical, memorable record.

37. Baja - Maps/Systemalheur - With a penchant for genre-melding that parallels Gastr Del Sol, this album pleased me to no end. I've heard the new one (slated for an early '08 release) and it's even better.

36. Suishou No Fune - Writhing Underground Flowers - This little Japanese duo almost deafened me when I saw them a few months ago, but their new album will happily introduce you to the modern Japanese psychedelic movement.

35. Earth - Hibernaculum - A revisitation of several older tunes that sound like Ennio Morricone got ahold of a Sunn Model-T and decided to blow back all our skirts. [Listen to "Miami Morning Coming Down"]

34. Angels Of Light - We Are Him - I don't know why Michael Gira has to be so depressing all the time, but I will gladly follow him anywhere and buy any of his recordings.

33. Nadja - Radiance of Shadows / Touched / Thaumogenesis - It's too hard to pick one, so I'll choose all three. Nadja make crushing, painkiller-slow metal that will either make you smile for the duration or make you want to claw your eyes out...I guess it depends on how black and slow you like your music.

32. Lichens - Omns - Who would have thought one of the dudes from 90 Day Men would turn around and start a project so sparse and delicate? It's basically one note going on forever.

31. Skaters - Dispersed Royal Ornaments - Another prolific project, the Skaters create murky effects-heavy noise with strangely effected vocal injections, I saw one of the guys' side projects a few months ago and it was definitely a sight to behold.

30. Sunburned Hand Of The Man - Fire Escape - An album that combines the best parts of Sunburned... with Four Tet, they recorded a bunch of their drugged out basement jams, and Four Tet turned it into something really dense and pretty.

29. Circle - Katapult - Another grossly prolific band who had several releases this year, Circle are the Finnish band that so deeply loved Krautrock and experimental music that they combined both together to create something wholly unique and lovely.

28. Boris With Michio Kurihara - Rainbow - With the addition of Ghost's guitarist, Boris are transformed from heavy gods to blissfully sweet rock band.

27. Part Chimp - Cup - Evan-Rock has never sounded this loud and in-your-face, with great melodies and killer guitar sounds. [Listen to "Bring Back The Sound"]

26. Kamialliset Ystävät - Untitled - The name means "Chemical Friends" in Finnish, and the wonderfully cracked music will keep you nicely toasted as you enjoy whatever chemicals you so desire.

25. Morkobot - MoStRo - Heavy drugged-out Italians create sounds that make you want to travel the spaceways with a head full of stars.

24. James Blackshaw - The Cloud of Unknowing - My favorite release yet by this master of acoustic guitar, with deftly plucked melodies rich in tone juxtaposed to an omnipresent swelling drone.

23. The Makes Nice - Candy Wrapper And Twelve Other Songs - One of the dudes from Weakling (an infamous US black metal band) has another band, and they write the most awesome sunshine-y California pop/rock music you've heard in decades. [Listen to "Candy Wrapper"]

22. Hotel Alexis - Goliath, I'm On Your Side - So perfect, this album of reverberated sad songs with soulful vocals and gentle percussion, it is almost always in my iTunes queue when I am drifting off to sleep.

21. Jasper TX - In A Cool Monsoon - The latest album from the artist who ranked #5 on last year's list of best albums. The same description still applies: "Evocative ambient dreamscapes."

20. Zelienople - His/Hers - Experimental band from Chicago named for a tiny town in Pennsylvania (I have a friend who lives there!) release another stark, mournful album that sounds like a funeral in an echo chamber. [Listen to "Family Beast"]

19. Rhys Chatham - A Crimson Grail - 400 guitars, need I say more?

18. Grails - Burning Off Impurities - Combining post-rock with drones with weird gypsy melodies, Grails have recorded their finest slab of psychedelic instrumental music to date.

17. Stars Of The Lid - And Their Refinement of The Decline - One of my favorite bands has reached a new height, with guitar drones buried way, way down below layers of strings, horns, and even a children's choir. I love this album so much. [Listen to "The Evil That Never Arrived"]

16. Amber Asylum - Still Point - Not sure if this is considered chamber rock, classical, post-rock or experimental, it is a chilling album that will definitely depress you, especially if you like being depressed by tear-inducing sad music.

15. Expo 70 - Animism - Melding krauty space rock tendencies with glacial doom drones to create a heavy sonic trip that is perfect for comedowns and zoning out at the park on a sunny afternoon.

14. Shellac - Excellent Italian Greyhound - Deconstructive rock music with a sense of humor, a welcome break from all the mournful and masturbatory "high-brow" albums that made this list. [Listen to "Steady As She Goes"]

13. Earthless - Rhythms From Cosmic Sky - They love Hawkwind and High Rise, they might play louder than any band I've ever seen, they record endless songs that are so rich and heavy you wish they would never end. They are Earthless and they rock so, so hard.

12. Jesu - Conqueror - Yeah, it gets a little boring towards the end, but I listened to this album perhaps more than any other this year, and that means the quality of the music is very high...It's like My Bloody Valentine's metal record!

11. RACCOO-OO-OON - Behold Secret Kingdom - Another one of the loudest bands I've seen this year, they play a style of noise rock that really is far from what most noise rock bands create, with remarkably brilliant rhythms and relentless skronky noises. Imagine someone put Brainbombs and Can in a blender. [Listen to "Black Branches"]

10. Islaja - Ulual Yyy - An Unspeakably lush recording where the listener is transported to a place between a deep, wintry sleep and an herb-induced blissfully blurry state.

09. Starving Weirdos - Shrine Of The Post-Hypnotic - Crackling and buzzing and feeding back and building upon layer after layer of sound, equal parts back-porch folk and abysmal industrious hell. [Listen to "Crewell"]

08. Grouper - Cover The Windows And Walls - "Dense bleary eyed fields of druggy reverb, thick swirls of blurred vocals, smeared into indistinct melodies, all abstract and shimmery, soft focus and billowy, the musical version of those soft fuzzy grey clouds that fill the sky at twilight."

07. The Conformists - Three-Hundred - The fact that this record was recorded live in the studio still amazes me, because each song so constantly shifts and changes, I imagine it takes absolute mastery over one's instrument (or years and years of practice with the same people) to stop and shift gears on a dime like The Conformists do. This is a truly remarkable album worthy of a much longer review. [Listen to "Are These Flowers?"]

06. Antibalas - Security - Pure Afro-beat, up-tempo, funky, with a killer horn section and stunning rhythms. Also, it never hurts to have John McEntire enlisted as recording engineer.

05. The Angelic Process - Weighing Souls With Sand - The heaviest album of the year, totally overblown and distorted, with a beautiful voice in the distance, floating beneath the muck and mire, guiding us through the songs and cluing us into he actual melodies that are barely audible below the fuzz and decay. [Listen to "Million Year Summer"]

04. Titan - A Raining Sun Of Light & Love For You & You & You - Melding space-rock with the cooler, psychedelic elements of prog-rock. At times they sounded like Harmonia, or Cluster. Heavy and huge, with incredible guitar work. Watching Titan is like surviving a deadly storm. It's a brutal cacophony. Drums roll without relent, keyboard spiraling with guitar and bass like a tornado, picking up intensity, slowing down to a blissful state of relaxation, backbuilding, and finally relaunching into the cosmos. [Listen to "Track 4"]

03. La Otracina - Tonal Ellipse Of The One - La Otracina intend to envelop the listener in massive swaths of sound...Free, loose space-rock complete with dive-bombing synthesizer tone bends and monumental feedback swells. The musicians are masters of restraint, and for the sundry noises which make up these tracks, it never sounds like overkill...A nod to all things free; totally blissed-out, bending and weaving, dynamic celestial jamming.

02. The Narrows - Benjamin - The best aspects of Codeine, June of 44, Slint, and Unwound combined. I'm not kidding. It's skull-crushing, painkiller-slow rock music, raw and unaffected. Dynamic volume shifts, hopeless lyrical content, and glacially-slow rhythms. "Last of the Norsemen" could be the finest slowcore tune recorded since Bedhead disbanded, and the gut-wrenching "Over and Out" has the same effect on me as Slint's "Good Morning Captain." Yeah, this album really is that good. [Listen to "Over And Out"]

01.White Hills - Glitter Glamour Atrocity / Heads On Fire - Either of these two albums could have been my favorite of the year, but the fact that they were both released within 365 of each other astounds me. They are the most tremendous space rock band currently active, with a Stooges-like rhythm section and jaw-dropping, off-the-wall acid drenched guitar solos. Their guitarist/vocalist Dave is by far the best guitarist I've encountered in a long time. His technical expertise and knowledge of the psychedelic rock canon all but guarantees White Hills will continue to release album after album of inspired rock music. [Listen to "Eternity" and "Spirit Of Exile"]

Tags: top ten, new music, best albums of 2007, Islaja, Starving Weirdos, Grouper, the Conformists, Antibalas, the Angelic Process, Titan, La Otracina, the Narrows, White Hills, mp3, blog, download

Quick Hits

Pitchfork came out with their list of the fifty best albums of 2007 today. The number one record was something I've never heard of before in my life. Somebody called Panda Bear. Sounds faggy to me. In the meantime, I'm well on my way to completing my list of the best one-hundred albums of 2007. I don't take it easy like Pitchfork does, I challenge myself. My list is going to blow theirs out of the water. Sure, no one's going to see it, but who cares? I think there were maybe four or five records on the Pitchfork list that made my list. This raises the question, "Does Pitchfork have no idea what's happening in the world music, or do I have no idea what's happening in the world of music?" Frankly, I think we all know the answer to that question.

(It's me).

I'm supposed to find a dinner recipe to make that includes some ingredient that I don't ordinarily eat (or have never tried before). So far I've come up with this and this (I don't like spinach and have never tried artichoke). Any suggestions? I guess it's technically cheating if I ask for help, but I'm hoping nobody involved notices.

Also, I start a new part-time job in about an hour. That's why today's entry is so brief. Once I figure out some sort of schedule, I'll be able to devote more time to these entries. Wow, just think about it: Me. Doing something. It's weird, right?

Tags: Pitchfork, dinner recipes, jobs, mp3, download, blog

The Weak In Rock

Radiohead released a new album last week. I know this because everybody in the world has been masturbating over it ever since. Apparently it's a big deal that a band decided to offer an album on their website with the option to download it for free. I guess if I recorded something this bad I might feel compelled to give it away for free online too. At it's best, In Rainbows is "meh" glitch-pop from a band that sounds bored with itself. I stopped after six tracks and deleted the album from my computer. No one can convince me that this crap is worth a second listen. What I don't understand is why everyone is so amazed that a popular band could release an album without a label. To laud Radiohead for this would be like lauding a retarded kid for not tying his shoelaces together. Furthermore, no one seems to care that they're still planning on releasing a regular CD version. They basically fleeced a million people into paying to hear some demos. Wait, maybe they are geniuses...

This one pretty much writes itself. My favorite nauseatingly pathetic softy Soupjam Stevens is speaking at a literary event in Brooklyn next month. My money (there isn't much of it) says he'll copy the same speech somebody else has already used for years, but he'll gay it up a bit with some superfluous "quirky" bells and whistles, and everyone will cheer and call it best literary event of the year.

The Flaming Lips are planning a Halloween Parade in Oklahoma City. I'm sure lots of people will show up. In Oklahoma City. For The Flaming Lips. A band that hasn't released anything worth listening to in...forever. Sure, I own The Soft Bulletin and Zaireeka, but that doesn't mean I listen to them. I just keep 'em around because cute girls usually stop to mention they know who the Flaming Lips are when they're flipping through my record collection.

Thurston Moore (Make mine a Thurston LESS, please!) has officially hit bottom. When a teenage girl with an eating disorder finally suffers a heart attack or vomits up her stomach, they stick her in rehab. When an underground rock icon finally consents to open for the world's worst excuse for a musician, he needs to be stuck in some kind of indie rehab. Nevertheless, Mr. Moore will be performing at Radio City Music Hall with that Bright Eyes mongoloid next month. And you know what? I guess I'm alright with this. They deserve each other. The guy whose music hasn't mattered in over a decade, who recently inked a deal with Starbucks to distribute his music (Azzerad should remove the SY chapter from "Our Band Could Be Your Life" for that), paired up with the doe-eyed Dylan-wannabe goon. I sense a poisonous cloud of douchebaggery will descend over Manhattan next month. I'm glad I won't be around then.

They're releasing the Nirvana Unplugged thing on DVD. And just in time, too. I was starting to get really bored hearing Nirvana songs in every mega-corporate TV commercial, seeing news stories about Nirvana dolls and lunchboxes, and hearing about Nirvana biopics and documentaries. I think I'm finally ready for a new Nirvana product.

It looks like I have some competition as I strive to become the greatest blogger in the history of the world (since the inception of the blog). Billy "The Velvet Fog" Corgan posted a blog entry on his band's website last week. I couldn't get past the sheer wordiness of it. Something about him thinking he's still relevant enough to tell us exactly how he feels about stuff, and that God tries to talk to him but he doesn't listen. Here's a bit of advice, Billy-boy: Go away. Every time you open your mouth, you are not only doing your reputation irreparable harm, you're killing mine as well. Ever since you weaseled your way back into the public eye, I've had to vehemently deny ever enjoying your music. How do you think that makes me feel? I lost, like, six years of my adolescence obsessing over your band, and now I feel like a fucking douchebag whenever anybody mentions something tangentially related to you. Disappear, guy. Please. For the both of us.

Tags: Radiohead, In Rainbows, sucks, Sufjan Stevens, Flaming Lips, Halloween Parade, Oklahoma City, Connor Oberst, Bright Eyes, Thurston Moore, Kurt Cobain, Billy Corgan, mp3, blog, download

Making Fun Of Music Writers, And The Musicians They Write About

I have a new hero, and he hails from my home state of New Jersey. He goes by the name of NJWEEDMAN. Look at his website. It is a highly informative and fascinating read. I was quite shocked to learn about how the gover—just kidding. That guy is fucked up in the head. I love the steadily increasing font size that eventually becomes too large to read. Good going, NJWEEDMAN! Keep fighting the good fight!

It's Friday, kids [note: Faithful reader Evan from KC has informed me that today is actually Thursday. I apologize profusely to you all for being such a retard]. You know what that means. Top ten! Unfortunately it'd be way too long if I posted ten of the following examples, so I'm going to cut this in half and offer a top five instead.

TOP FIVE WORST ARTIST BIOS ON THE 'NET

- Cansei de Ser Sexy - From São Paulo, Brazil comes CSS, the first South American band Sub Pop has foisted upon the global marketplace. (Sub Pop, former 'indie' torchbearers who released wonderful records from the likes of Six Finger Satellite, Codeine, Earth, and the Wipers, is now looking overseas to try and break 'the next big thing'. That doesn't sound to me like a label keen on deviating from mainstream industry practices) Cansei de Ser Sexy, Portuguese for 'Tired of Being Sexy,' (gag) is improbably, unbelievably and nearly eponymously their debut. It is a thick, pulsating thing full of haphazard synths and a come-on of call and response that tears down any attempt at posturing. (Yeah, those non-call and response, non-pulsating, non-haphazard bands are all just posturing) It is equal parts rock mantra and throwback into something new, transcending boundaries of genre and geography. (It's equal parts sexy and ugly, similarly slutty and prudish, at once polished and dirty) It careers [sic?] full speed into dance territory, into the unknown and untouched, to emerge all hot and bothered with wild electro-rock. Pretension? Absent. Friction? Probable. (Wait, you're telling me the band with the utterly modern 'electro-rock' tag, who call themselves Tired of Being Sexy, who are synth-drven and haphazard and calling and responding are NOT doing something pretentious?) They are the un-pretension: unfinished, exposed, and throwing all they have right at you. It is quick, tightly-wound, unfastened and supreme. Not a sneer but a giggle. (I'm so confused. Almost every description you've written is the hallmark of a shitty, pretentious band. Why do they look like a fucking Gap ad in all their publicity photos if they are unpretentious? How can something be both 'supreme' and void of ego? That doesn't make a lick of sense) To paraphrase from the Portuguese: 'Not only music, but a new way to live with it. An unfinished group that, unlike preserving itself until getting to the point, was bravely showing off, turning everything into style.' (Oh sure, they might bravely show off, but don't you dare call them effete!) Fashion. Art. Design. Cinema. (Pretentious.) Panties thrown and received. Micro shorts and dirty legs. How does it happen? It happens like this…" (I'm officially sickened. Why didn't you just write "American Apparel micro shorts. I think we all know exactly what you mean. I hate this stupid, pretentious band and their stupid pretentious biography.)

- Jesse Sykes - The Barsuk Records website has perhaps the worst artist bios I have ever read. Each one is more outlandish than the last. The one for a band called The Long Winters reads, "John Roderick writes songs that make you feel like you've been talking to someone really interesting in an airport for the last hour and, although you know you'll never see them again, you just told them your whole life story and a part of you will love them forever." Oh yeah, we all know what that's like! Am I right folks? Anyway, here's Jesse Sykes': "The word 'artist' these days is used to refer to pretty much any musician, but few songwriters or performers approach their musical life with the degree of intense concern as does Jesse Sykes. (She's a true artist, unlike all those other musicians who just skate through life proclaiming to be artists. You'd be shocked at how many people do this. Last week I saw a transient playing guitar on a street corner and then he had the audacity to tell me he was an artist. That guy and Jesse Sykes have nothing in common! She's real, he's homeless!) Although originally a visual artist (Am I supposed to respect her more now?) Sykes sings that 'only music sets my soul free'. (She's never tried mescaline, I take it) She's always, however, brought a deep visual sense to her textually—and texturally—rich songwriting. Her new album was produced, recorded and mixed by Tucker Martine and Martin Feveyear, with additional recording and production by Randall Dunn. (So. The. Fuck. What.) Like, love, lust & the open halls of the soul is a musically deep piece of work, addressing themes of love, illusion, forgiveness, and the universality of the human experience. (Unlike every other songwriter who has ever existed, Sykes has somehow distanced herself from the rest of the pack by addressing heretofore unspoken—dare I say taboo—subjects such as love, illusion, and the human experience) Her band, The Sweet Hereafter, explore new sounds with a confident ease. Open halls' guitar solos and driving rhythms could easily be lost gems cut by Crazy Horse between takes with Neil, yet the record retains the atmospheric beauty of much of Sykes' earlier work as well. (So, which is it? Is it Crazy Horse or is it atmospheric and beautiful? I hate when these bios say, 'It's as experimental as Throbbing Gristle, but it's also really sonorous, like the Beatles) The band's musical growth has been mirrored by the evolution and maturation of Sykes' distinctive singing voice, which time has saturated with a weathered wisdom (read: tone-deaf) that connects to something beyond the singer and the song. And the visual aesthetic of Sykes' songwriting has never been more evocative. Listen closely to her stark descriptions of isolation, sometimes-swaggering toughness, fragile human emotion, and the possibilities of love, and you'll hear something that perfectly, tenderly, and surprisingly captures the feel of the 21st century so far—it's the sound of vulnerability, and the sound of the best and most relevant piece of art Jesse Sykes has ever made." (Yes, she really captures the essence of isolation with her wordless descriptions of it. She's tough, yet fragile. She rocks, but she's also tender and womanly. She's every cliche I've ever heard about a female songwriter, yet she's the complete opposite).

- Brightblack Morning Light - Nathan D. 'Nabob' Shineywater (Okay, I give up, you win) was raised rurally in Alabama by two older men who became known in the community for enhancement of the spiritual side of life. The eldest chose to be a rural preacher, who sang gospels. The other man chose to distribute a refined white powdered South American plant to anyone interested, in hopes to enhance the 'party spirit' side of life. (I hate you and your stupid background. Is there any other way to be raised in Alabama than rurally? Do you really want it publicized that you were raised by strange men? We're you molested a lot? Is this why your music is so fragile and wimpy?) Between these two men, Nabob spent his weekdays singing along to Steely Dan. (This is important because...) The weekends however were spent with the aging community of peanut farmers in church, singing highly spiritual gospel. 'Their voices were very diverse. All of them old, except mine (Good for fucking you, kiddo!). Some were missing teeth, adding percussion to the 'SSS' in S words. All the men and women sang with both sadness and joy, depending on their day, and they sang as prayer. Singing in that way is the only way to sing! It wasn't Sacred Harp singing, it was straight ahead gospel that lent itself to the most common of people.' (What a fascinating story. It all makes sense now. Your quirky backwoods upbringing inspired you to craft otherwise predictable 'spiritual' druggy hymns.) His best friend and music partner Rachael 'Rabob' Hughes was also raised rurally, in Montevallo, Alabama. The downtown area has a wonderful wooded park of cedar trees, some of them carved as huge faces. (And they all went "BOO!" whenever Rachel walked by them, and this haunted her, and then she grew up and wrote songs that tried to capture the scariness of the trees.) Within the town's park Rachael's father built an ornate waterfall. (Oh, okay. That's relevant how?) The piano in their home was frequented b