Saturday, April 12, 2008

13 Songs That Wuld Rape You If They Had A Penis


Hello blog-o-sphere denizens. This is your captain speaking. Boy do I have a surprise for you today...a mix tape curated by Swan Fungus reader Sam! Not only was he kind enough to submit Tuesday's horrifying tale of man-on-man love that simply was not to be, he took the time to put together a rousing success of a mix tape. I've listened to it twice already, and I'm really digging it. I think it's something about the combination of good old fashioned country with black metal...I can't quite describe it. Sam was even nice enough to conjure up an original theme (completely different from any theme I ever used for my mix tapes) and contribute a few words about each track to help you locate ones you might enjoy. I highly recommend downloading the whole fucking thing.

In other news, you've all got eight days left to bid on two records from my collection. If you haven't read, I've put some LPs up for auction on eBay. Think of your bid as a donation to the website. The best part is, if you get outbid you don't have to actually make the donation! I mean, I'd truly appreciate any donations, but they don't necessarily have to be monetary. You can make your own mix tape or top ten list and I'll post it. Just make sure the topic has not been covered, and double check to see that no artists associated with blacklisted record labels are included in your mix tapes!

Without further ado...

13 Songs That Would Rape You If They Had A Penis
(Compiled by reader Sam)

01) Alice Cooper - "Desperado" - Alice Cooper would rape you with the head of a boa constrictor if you let him near your hole. (buy this album)

02) Amesoeurs - "Faiblesse des Seins" - Sexy sensitive post-black metal from France. Maybe they wouldn't rape you but they'd write about it in their blog [What's that supposed to mean? - Ed.]

03) Buck Owens - "Under Your Spell Again" - No doubt about it, Buck would have had his way with you whether you wanted it or not. (buy this album)

04) Burzum - "Det Som En Gang Var" - Transcends rape and enters the wonderful world of lustmord. Delightful. (buy this album)

05) Cop Shoot Cop - "Room 429" - At some point in the '90s I'm sure at least one of the members of CSC committed a sex crime. Just theorizing. (buy this album)

06) Emperor - "I Am the Black Wizards" - None of the members of Emperor were ever convicted of rape, just church arson and murder. (buy this album)

07) George Jones - "He Stopped Loving Her Today" - George Jones: King of rape. That's all. (buy this album)

08) Glen Campbell - "Wichita Lineman" - Who fucking knows what this song is about. Could be describing a sexual predator for all I know. I like the song a lot thought. (buy this album)

09) Mercyful Fate - "Evil" - Rape via eye socket (see: skullfucked). (buy this album)

10) Nifelheim - "Gates Of Damnation" - They say Satan's member is icy cold to the touch. I'm sure Nifelheim are fine with that. (buy this album)

11) Webb Pierce - "There Stands The Glass" - No doubt about it, Webb probably Fatty Arbuckle'd a broad or two in his day. (buy this album)

12) Piledriver - "Protest and Resistance" - The Japanese invented tentacle rape pron. And this song is awesome. (buy this album)

13) Zeni Geva - "Autobody" - File under: I was gang raped by a bullet train full of horny Japanese businessmen. [You forgot to mention Steve Albini! - Ed.] (buy this album)

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Cruising At Red Robbin


For the second time in one week, we have a guest writer today. Readers, please say hello to Sam. I met Sam seven years ago, and after a rocky introduction, we became fast friends. I've always envied his writing style, so I'm honored he chose to share a story from his daily life with my audience today. I think once you reach the end of his tale, you'll love Sam as much as I do. He even submitted his own Mix Tape, which I will post either on Friday or Saturday of this week. As I stated last Friday, if any of you would like to share a Top Ten list, a Mix Tape, or a piece of writing with my meek audience, feel free to e-mail me and let me know. Guest writers allow me to take days off, and watch the Mets final Opening Day at Shea Stadium.

***

Perhaps there are many of you who have not met my acquaintance, but I’m generally regarded as Evan’s really good looking friend. The shy, sexy type. I look forward to Evan’s daily updates of his blog and am highly entertained by not only his writing talents but also his vomito-philia. I am honored that he’s given me the opportunity to pitch in here, and while I’m on somewhat of a short leash as to my potential content (read: no gross-outs for Mr. Sensitive), I do have an account that I’d like to share about a recent experience.

My day started out so wholesomely. We’d made plans, Lindsey, Donny and I, to spend the afternoon at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I’m very cultured, you see, the kind of upper-crust individual who can appreciate fine works of art just as well as the next upstanding gentleman. It was a little crowded at the museum, as can be expected on a Sunday afternoon, but it did not inhibit my enjoyment of so many delightful exhibits. Satiated in our thirst for fine art, the three of us made our way home to New Jersey.

We decided to stop on our way to eat at Red Robin. Red Robin, for the unaware, is a sit-down restaurant that sells endless variations on burgers, and they do have a few vegetarian-friendly selections for an herbivore like Donny, who’d never been before, so our meal was just as enjoyable as our afternoon at the Met. The check came, and I said I was gonna take a leak before we hit the road. Donny said he’d probably go as well, but remained sitting as I made my way to the bathroom. Inside there was a urinal and a stall, and finding both not in use, I opted for the stall. I was pissing away when I heard the door open and someone stepped up to the urinal. I assumed it was Donny, because (a) he had just said he had to pee, and (b) the individual at the urinal was wearing a pair of Converse sneakers, just like Don had on. I could see the shoe plainly from my vantage point, and I decided to fuck with my friend just a bit. I stepped down on the white toe of the sneaker, only I left my foot there for an uncomfortable length of seconds.

The shoe pulled out from underneath mine, rather abruptly. And then, nothing. No snotty Donny comment, no “stop being a shithead, Sam.” Nothing but a long awkward silence. I was done peeing by that time, so I turned to peer through the crack between the door and the partition, into the mirror facing us. I saw someone at the urinal, wearing a green vest.

Don wasn’t wearing a green vest that day. I don’t remember what he had on, but that wasn’t it.

I was trapped, horrified at my indiscretion. I’ve enjoyed a lifetime of antagonizing strangers in various fashions, but this was a new low, even for me. I’m not sure if it’s just a NJ thing, or the whole country’s in on it, but there’s a certain, how do you say, protocol for initiating anonymous gay sex acts with strangers in public restrooms. And it generally starts with stepping on your intended’s shoe. So innocent on the surface, yet so resonant with ill intentions.

I’d just cruised my first dude.

Time slowed to a crawl in there while I waited for the sound of a flushing urinal, or the splash of hands washing in the sink. Maybe he didn’t notice me hitting on him. But there was nothing. I cracked the door a little to find myself all alone. He must have made haste in exiting after my invitation.

I was rather embarrassed when I finally came out and recounted the experience to my crew. They died, all but rolling on the floor and drawing even more attention to my guilty conscience. Don finally went to the bathroom and said the kid in the green vest was back in there, apparently to finish the piss he’d stopped mid-stream. I reasoned panickedly that he’d seen me exiting the bathroom and had a face to put on the deviant. I was ready to leave, but Lindsey and Don had a good time drawing it out just to make me suffer. I still owe those fuckers. We finally left, much to my relief.

How did I end up this way, I asked myself on the ride home. How did I become That Guy, the creepy stranger who brings an empty shopping bag into the restrooms so someone can stand inside to give the illusion of only one pair of legs in the stall? I can’t even grow a mustache, for goodness’ sake. I’m really not a sicko, I assure you (not that there’s anything wrong with anonymous gay sex). I don’t lurk in the Casual Encounters section on Craigslist looking for penises to put in my mouth. I’m as monogamous as I am heterosexual, which is a lot. But to that bewildered young man, I was a whole battalion of cocksuckers, hungry for load. And I’ll never be able to convince him otherwise. That’s the part that hurts.

Which leads me to the follow-up dilemma: what would I have done if he’d been into it? What if I’d seen his face looking back at me through the gap, eager to crack a nut? That the kind of subject Miss Manners doesn’t have the answer to. Would I had to have let him in the stall? I try to be courteous and conscientious in my day to day, but let’s just say in retrospect I’m pleased he chose to flee, rather than linger.

But not as pleased that I decided not to stand on the toilet and look over the partition to ask Donny what the hell his problem was for not finding my joke funny.

I would have been gaybashed for sure. And, for the first time in the history of gaybashing, I would have had it coming.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Historic Music Recommendations

Today, for the first time in Swan Fungus history, we have a guest writer. His name is Ian. You've heard his name mentioned here frequently if you read this blog regularly. Please treat him and his prestigious law degree as professionally as you would treat me. That is to say, show him no mercy. Thanks, Ian!


Each of the following albums was suggested to me by Evan either by his geeking out in high school, in college, through Instant Messenger, during one of our countless trips to-and-from Princeton Record Exchange, or through various phone calls since he moved to the West Coast. So, we'll starting at the beginning...

The Top Fifteen Records Evan Introduced Me To

15. Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - Everything - I despised Bonnie 'Prince' Billy for a long time. I never found any of his music to be catchy, or even enjoyable to listen to. On a recommendation from Evan I sought out the Palace album Days in the Wake, which he had purchased during the first few months of our vinyl collecting obsession, from an overpriced store in the West Village called Subterranean. I was finally hooked. There was one track, "No More Workhorse Blues," where you could hear thunder crashing in the background and I realized that I loved how organic and real his music was. I am not a lyrics person. I think it took me so long to get into his stuff because it is not overly complicated music. On the same day I bought Days in the Wake I got Superwolf. I happens to think that one is his catchiest and most accessible release. Also, my enjoyment of Bonnie 'Prince' Billy albums was not hurt by hearing Evan and Ilya constantly covering his songs when we used to jam. Listen to "Pushkin" (Live)

14. Bear Claw - Bear Claw - I bought this album for $2.99 from Amazon.com on a recommendation from Evan, who had heard about the album from a friend of his in Chicago. To be honest, I was not that into it at first -- maybe because I am not a huge “Evan Rock” fan -- but after we saw their performance at Knitting Factory's Old Office during the 2006 CMJ Music Marathon CMJ, I was totally enamored. Still, it hasn't bee enough for me to seek out their new album. I think Evan might have to hook me up with that on... Listen to "Jigsaw"

13. Van Morrison - Astral Weeks - During the summer of 2001, our vinyl collections began to rapidly swell. We would take long drives down to Princeton (which usually followed excessive partying the night before). On one of those drives, Evan introduced me to one of the finest albums ever crafted: Astral Weeks. This was another album I had a hard time really getting into. Now I listen to it at any and all times, whether happy or sad. It is one of those great albums that can mean many different things to many people. It can be uplifting on one listen and depressing on the next listen. Thanks Evan. Listen to "Slim Slow Slider"

12. Bill Holt - Dreamies - Evan introduced me to Dreamies a few years ago after he'd read about it on an Aquarius Records New Releases list. Ironic, of course, because it was originally recorded and released in the 1970s. I was immediately sold on the album due to its wildly psychedelic nature, complete with trippy vocals and handmade samples running throughout the entire album. Nice find, Evan.

11. Nick Drake - Pink Moon - Another album that for some reason I never liked. I guess I have a long history of hating albums or bands at first, but then slowly learning to love them over time (ie. Velvet Underground, Bonnie 'Prince' Billy). I think Evan would add this to his CD rotation during drives to Princeton, and I eventually picked it up. It might be the best 27 minute album I have ever heard. [And how many 27-minute-long albums have you heard, Ian? - Ed.]

10. Gary Higgins - Red Hash - Evan and I were driving into Manhattan one day, and we were stuck in traffic on Canal Street (of course). I remember hearing the creepy keyboards on "Stable the Spuds", and I was completely sold on this record. I don't remember if this was before or after we saw him hop on stage and play a song during a Ben Chasny show at the much-missed concert venue Tonic, but I definitely was familiar with his name because the Six Organs Of Admittance release School of the Flower contained a cover of the Higgins song, "Thicker Than a Smokey". Still, this one is incredible.

09. Emery Reel - For and Acted Upon Through Diversions - This recommendation came in 2003, during Evan's "Post-Rock" phase. He was obsessed with bands on Constellation, or anything instrumental with lots of crescendos. One day I picked him up to go to Princeton (after sitting in my car for an extra 10 minutes waiting for his slow-ass), and he came outside with a CD-r and exclaimed, "You have to hear this". We listened to it and of course I was immediately sold. To this day I still listen to this Emery Reel album, and I specifically remember listening to it the night before I took the bar exam in an attempt to calm my nerves. There you go, Evan, you can have some credit for me passing the bar. Listen to "A New Beginning"

08. Cosmic Jokers - Cosmic Jokers / Galactic Supermarket - All I remember was that Evan and I were at Kim's on St. Marks after driving to Brooklyn so he could buy a drum set, and they were playing Galactic Supermarket in the store. It was right around the time that he and I were really getting into Krautrock, especially Ash Ra Tempel. I remember exclaiming, "Holy shit this is amazing," then Evan ran up to the counter and bought the store's only copies of both CDs. That motherfucker stole those CDs from me. Lo-and-behold, I got the last laugh, because while I paid $20 for both CDs, he got suckered into paying $20 for each. I AM THE ULTIMATE CHEAP JEW! [Wasn't that the same night we bumped into Ilya and then went back to my basement to get trashed and record the Magic Space Cowdogs stuff? - Ed.] Listen to "Galactic Joke Part 1"

07. White Hills - Everything - This one relates to "Demon Spawn." Long ago (February 2007), I lived in a shithole called Battery Park, which is a neighborhood that the honor of being too far from everywhere in Manhattan. On a particularly cold night that month (like, -28 degrees with wind-chill), Evan went to that shitty club Lit to see Titan -- a band we had seen open for Boris the previous Fall. I decided to pussy out, with the encouragement of "Demon Spawn," and to this day I regret it. Evan came home gushing about White Hills, calling them one of the greatest bands he'd seen in ages. I have since seen both White Hills and Titan twice, but I imagine this twin bill would have melted my brain like nothing else. I have become a huge fan of White Hills. I have to get my hands on every release I can, and I've even semi-stalked Dave Weinberg when I've seen him shopping at Other Music or Kim's. Listen to "Eye to Eye"

06. Boris - Pink - This one was also first heard on a ride home from Princeton Record Exchange. I think I discovered Boris first. [You did - Ed.] In the summer of '05 I bought a copy of Akuma No Uta on the same day that I got Pelican's March Into the Sea EP. [You then told me not to buy Mabuta No Ura on vinyl when I was in San Francisco. Nice one, Ian! - Ed.] Anyway, We were driving home in my car with "Demon Spawn" talking incessantly in the passenger seat, and we blasted the first track on Pink, "Farewell", to shut her stupid ass up. Damn, those were good times. [Were they? - Ed.] Listen to "Farewell"

05. Maserati - The Language Of Cities - I don't remember much about the details other than we had gone to Princeton one day and Evan sat carefully flipping through the rather large "M" section of their CD bin looking for a used copy of this album, and he actually found one for $5.99. On the ride home, he popped this album into the CD player, and I went on to become a huge Maserati fan. Though, I do agree with Evan that their new album is boring as shit.

04. The Rapture - Out of the Races and Onto the Tracks / Echoes - I think this came about when we were both still in college. We had -- and to this day still have -- an unhealthy infatuation with the book/movie "The Rules of Attraction". There is a scene in this God awful movie where everyone is having a good time at an outdoor keg party, and the EP's title track "Out of the Races and Onto the Tracks" is playing. It happens to have a great bassline and is probably the catchiest Rapture song. We ended up seeing the Rapture at the Curiosa festival, thanks to Evan's father's generosity. It was a 75 dollar ticket that I never paid Walter for, rather, I paid Evan -- like I pay most of my friends -- in beer and records. Good business deal, Evan!

03. Blur - 13 - The memories surrounding this album go way back to my senior year of high school at Livingston High School in 1999. It was the first time my parents ever let me have a study hall. That's where I met and befriended a then-sophomore (and definitely sophomoric) Evan. I remember hating this album vehemently at first, but Evan would talk incessantly about Damon Albarn and his giant moose cock or something so I figured I would have to give it some more time. [WHAT? Moose cock? Are you serious? - Ed.] Eventually I bought a used copy from our friend Bret for maybe four dollars, and I have been in love with it since that day. There are not many songs better than "No Distance Left to Run". Listen to "No Distance Left to Run"

02. Danielson Famile - Fetch The Compass Kids / Tell Another Joke At the Ol' Choppin' Block - My earliest memory of this album stems back about four years or so, when I was home for my first Christmas break during law school. I remember sitting in the living room at Evan's dad's house with either Ilya, Z, or Galanty, listening to this album and laughing at how irritating Daniel Smith's voice sounded. The next day, Evan and I ventured down to Princeton (yet again) and he put on Fetch the Compass Kids, and attempted to sing along in what was a horrible facsimile of Smith's still-irritating voice. All I could do was laugh hysterically at Evan. The weird thing was, the rest of the day I kept singing in my head, "Hush hush what's the rush? / East Coast children do too much." I think by the end of our Princeton jaunt I had already purchased both albums as well as one of the Tri-Danielson CDs. to this day, whenever I want to annoy people for fun, I just put on "We Don't Say Shut Up." Thanks Evan, for a lifetime of fodder to annoy people with! Listen to "Southern Paws"

01 . Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream / Gish / Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness / Adore / The Aeroplane Flies High / Earphoria - Ah, the grand finale. See, in the early days of our friendship, I always saw Evan as Billy Corgan's biggest fanboy/gay-love-child-in-training, until the day he seemingly renounced his love of Smashing Pumpkins. To this day, I still don't know what caused his falling out with the band. When we first became friends, we bonded over music like the Pumpkins and Weezer. We used to play 20-minute-long covers of "Silverfuck" -- just the two of us, no drummer -- in his parent's basement. I think in a way, the Pumpkins were one of the initial foundations of our friendship, and I still embrace their music to this day. I recently picked up Gish and Siamese Dream on vinyl, and listening to "Mayonaise" and "Silverfuck" brought back all those good memories from the basement at 345 Walnut Street. I even picked up my guitar and pretended Evan was still there... [What am I, dead? - Ed.] Listen to "Silverfuck" (Earphoria Version)

Want to be a Swan Fungus guest writer? Drop me an e-mail and let me know.