Dear Carl’s Jr.:

I have only recently started dining at one of your many fast food establishments, so perhaps I do not possess the proper qualifications to raise a complaint with you, but I feel that it is necessary to address some issues I have with this particular member of the CKE Restaurants, Inc. family.

Let’s begin at the beginning, because I often feel that is the best place to start a story. My good friend and frequent dining partner Ilya saw a commercial for a new item at Carl’s Jr. called a “huevos rancheros burrito” on his television set during a program break. As a longtime fan of the Mexican delicacy, Ilya became highly excitable about the prospect of enjoying this particular food item on his next visit to Carl’s Jr.. One night last month, I was feeling quite hungry. I asked if he felt like maybe going for fast food, and suggested Carl’s Jr. because I had never been. He agreed to join me, and we printed out directions to the nearest location. Sadly, we learned upon our arrival at the Drive-Thru that the huevos rancheros burrito is a breakfast item only, and had to be ordered during specific breakfast hours. Needless to say, Ilya was greatly disappointed. I promised him that I would pen Carl’s Jr. a letter asking about their unusual breakfast menu rules, and he thanked me. He actually thanked me.

Time passed, as it so often does, and I forgot all about the letter to Carl’s Jr. that I should have written. Until last week. My girlfriend and I saw a print advertisement for the new Carl’s Jr. chili burger and chili cheese fries, and I decided that I needed to try it. I absolutely love chili, by the way. Meaty Texas-style chili, not that faggot vegetarian bean-filled shit that frequently gets lumped together with legitimate styles of chili. I decided that I would drive us to the same Carl’s Jr. as my first visit. This time I didn’t even need directions! We parked outside, walked in and ordered two burgers and a side of chili cheese fries. Well I’ll be damned if I didn’t open that box and catch a glimpse of the most foul-looking order of chili cheese fries ever. If I can be blunt for a moment — and I will — it looked as if somebody vomited diarrhea onto an order of french fries, nonchalantly dropped a slice of cheese on top, and declared it to be edible. They couldn’t have been further from the truth.

The purpose of this letter is to inform you that I believe Carl’s Jr. is guilty of a number of fraudulent advertising schemes that have conned many innocent fast food lovers out of their hard earned cash. Your restaurant promised us beautiful looking food, and in return all we have received is disappointment and grossness. The pictures you so proudly display on your website, television and print ads are completely different from the items that end up on our dinner plates. I have decided to publish this letter on my website so that I may alert fellow fast food aficionados to your shady business practices. Nobody deserves to be disappointed when they’re expecting a good time at their local burger stand. Your marketing team’s decision to knowingly lie about the appearance of your chili cheese fries — which didn’t even contain anything remotely like shredded cheese or meaty red chili — is shameful. If I could bring this story to the attention of someone at CKE Restaurants, Inc. or even a fast food eaters advocate group, I would. And if the opportunity arises, believe me — I will. If your company does not amend the current no-heuvos-rancheros-burritos-for-dinner and chili-burgers-and-fries-that-look-nothing-like-they-do-on-TV campaigns, I will be forced to spend my money at a rival dining establishment. Perhaps In-N-Out, Bob’s Big Boy, Tommy’s, or Fatburger. Those companies make no bold claims about the mien of their food, and I respect them for that. I do not respect Carl’s Jr.

Please forward this letter to the attention of either a marketing team member, or the equivalent of a quality control department. I would really like to a hear a response from someone at Carl’s Jr. who can address my concerns. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Evan H. LeVine
Age 24
Noted Fast Food Eater

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