One of the online forums that I frequent lobbed me a softball today when I noticed there was a new thread asking for advice on the best worst movies — perhaps the most awfulsome films imaginable — one could watch with friends or a partner on a theoretical “Shitty Movie Night.”
What the inquirer did not know, what they could not have known, is that for a long period of time I used to play a game with my closest friends that provided me with tons of information about the worst movies ever made. The game involved two very simple steps. First, I would take a series of disgustingly large bong hits. Then I would sit down with the remote control and force them to watch the absolute worst movie that was on TV. (Note: It was around this time that I devised the plan for the “Evan’s Terrible Movie Vault” book that long-time readers might remember from an old entry) Sometimes I would even subject them to the same movie twice in one night, on the East and West coast channels. Oh, it was so brilliant. You kind of had to be there, but I think you get the idea.
Anyway, here were my film recommendations to forum member “coach” in Bellingham, the person who was looking for new “Shitty Movie Night” recommendations for the gatherings he/she hold with forum member “tallchris.”
Empire Of The Ants: A film that blew my mind so hard I started to get really paranoid that maybe it was the smartest film ever made. It’s about a group of young adults who are canoeing through the Amazon, and happen upon (wait for it…) an Empire of Ants. The ants are supposed to be larger than the humans, and to get that affect, the director thought it would be wise to place pre-recorded footage of magnified ants side by side with frames of the actual movie. It looked so obviously disjointed and terrible. Then, for the battle shots, he had people in retarded ant costumes carrying what looked to be the same jousting weapons commonly used by American Gladiators.
Troll 2: Rated as one of the “Bottom 100″ on IMDB, this is apparently the sequel to another Troll movie, which I guess I saw as a young boy because I totally understood what was going on in the second movie the first time I saw it. It’s about a town of Trolls that wants to eat a boy and his family on their vacation. The name of the town where they were staying? “Nilbog.” Best scene of the movie? The one where the boy realizes that Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards!
Wrong Turn: This movie was kind of racist in that it assumed every living soul in the state of West Virginia was an inbred cannibal. For all I know, the assumption made by the movie is true, because on the four occasions I have driven through the northernmost part of West Virginia (on my way to Ohio and beyond!) I have refused to stop my car for fear that I would be eaten by a barbaric gang of inbred cannibals. The sequel to Wrong Turn just got released on DVD, and it stars Henry Rollins. I can’t wait until a copy of it arrives at my place of work.
Jeepers Creepers: All you need to know about this movie can be summed up in one quote: “It’s not beating you, It’s ‘be eating you!” In the sequel, the aptly titled Jeepers Creepers 2, you find out that the guy who goes around eating everybody also lives in outer space. I know, right?
Chopping Mall: A group of over-sexed high schoolers gets locked inside the mall where they all happen to work. They throw a party, but something goes wrong with the robots that patrol the mall during its closed hours, and the robots start stalking and killing everybody. Great B-movie acting, tons of giant tits, and great deaths.
AntiTrust: The one where Tim Robbins’ character is modeled so closely to Bill Gates my friends and I took to calling his character “Gill Bates.” I think there was a period of time when I forced them to watch this movie five or six times in the span of a weekend. It got so bad, my friend Melissa bought me the DVD for my birthday because I was constantly quoting it or referencing it. I guess she thought I really liked it.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Here, read the review I wrote of this modern cinematic classic back in August.
Kazaam: Shaquille O’Neal as a genie. Whoever was the casting director on that film, find them and bring them to me. I want to go down on them for hours as a “Thank You” for this atrociously great flick.
Torque: Sly Stalone’s take on The Fast and The Furious. Except with motorbikes. Be prepared to suspend disbelief for the entire duration of the film.
House of Wax: Sexy young people get killed awesomely in this recent horror film. So, so bad. I didn’t know what to make of it, so I got really high about a dozen times and watched it over and over again during the period of time that it was on HBO or SHOWTIME or STARZ every day of the week.
Anaconda: Hunt For the Blood Orchid: I guess somebody felt that the first Anaconda movie wasn’t nearly good enough, so they remade it with a twist. I’m not entirely sure what the twist was. Many belly laughs were experienced while watching this piece of shit, most of them stemmed from remembering how Eric Stoltz was in the original Anaconda movie (for about twenty seconds, as he was nearly killed in his first scene of the movie and woke up only at the very end of the movie), and my inability to remember what his face looked like unless it was him in the movie Mask.
Airborne: My favorite movie in middle school, which just happened to be on HBO every single day as soon as I came home at 3:00pm. My friend David and I still talk about how many times we watched this film together. According to a recent note I received from him, it’s been shown on HBO again lately, but I haven’t gotten a chance to see it. One of these days I’m sure I’ll find it on a torrent or movie-streaming site. That’ll be a fun, fun night.