I used to think Costco was evil. When I was younger, I actually became embarrassed whenever I would see my father walk into our house from the garage, his arms stuffed with twenty pounds of hamburger meat or a sleeve of cookies the size of one of my legs. Maybe a package of forty Gillette razors, or a five pound bag of Hershey’s kisses would slip from his hand hit the floor as he tried to delicately place his recently-purchased twenty-four pack of paper towels upright on the kitchen table. I felt as if I was living in a fallout shelter, and he was a conspiracy nut stockpiling materials to prepare us for our post-apocalyptic lives.

Then I saw Idiocracy, and Mike Judge’s dream of a multiple-square-mile Costco, where you can even earn a college degree. Realizing that Costco embodied society’s dumbed-down corporate omnipresence was frightening; it made me think Costco was even more evil than I had originally thought.

As of today, I kind of love Costco. I can get my prescriptions refilled there for vastly cheaper sums of money than at Rite Aid or CVS. I can go there with an empty stomach and feel fine, because while I’m wait for them to prepare my pills, I can walk around and eat countless free food samples. Tasty yogurts, soups, cream cheese-stuffed jalapeno poppers, some sort of berry tart desert thing, mango…something, teriyaki chicken rice bowls, chicken tenders and more! It’s a free meal! And now that I’m insanely broke, the idea of paying nine dollars for two-and-a-half pounds of shredded Mexican cheese and a carton of eighteen eggs seems like a steal! Do you know how many cheesy-good omelets I can make with that many eggs!?

Thank you, Costco, for opening my big fat asshole eyes to your many splendors.

- Last night was…intense. I don’t recall much of anything other than the car rides to-and-from Spaceland. I’m sure I had a good time, but I’m not as sure about anything that was said or done throughout the course of the evening. I woke up at 8am this morning on the couch downstairs, dreadfully hungover. Despite moving upstairs to my bed for another hour or two of sleep followed by four or five hours of constant hydration, I’m still moving sluggishly. It’s a damned shame too, because I have so many things to do today. Also, it’s been over 48-hours since my last dalliance with caffeine. Maybe a quick jog over to the yellow store and then I’ll start my day. Yeah, that’s it…

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