• We begin with a shocking revelation. “Programs that focus exclusively on abstinence have no been shown to affect teenager sexual behavior.” Really? Someone thought it wise to study that? Whatever grant money was given to the group that studied the impact of abstinence education should have just been handed directly to me. I could’ve told you that teenagers don’t care about chastity. They just want to stick their dicks in warm holes or have their warm holes filled with dicks. That’s life. Our parents did it, we did it, and our kids will continue to do it. Fucking is still the national pastime for bored teens. [story]

• The Jones Soda Co. is going to be selling holiday-themed flavored soft drinks featuring flavors such as ham and latkes. This sounds to me like the single dumbest idea ever. I can barely tolerate anything beyond regular Coke or Pepsi. You’re not going to win any ardent supporters when your unhealthy cola product tastes like “Christmas Tree, Egg Nog, and Christmas ham.” Nor will you tempt me with your “Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, and Chocolate Coins” soda. I hope somebody at the Jones Soda Co. reads this and sends me a sampler pack, because I would love to try (and then vomit, and then review) each and every one of these retarded drinks. [story]

• According to the New York Times, a Massachusetts-based company has been developing a small airplane that can also drive down the highway. In other words, it’s a flying car. Only, they say it’s not a flying car. To be honest, I don’t really get what the fuck they’re saying. All I know is, it costs about $150K so I can’t afford one anyway. Also, there’s something about how you have to be a pilot in order to fly the vehicle. Nevertheless, if the fine people at Terrafgia Inc. want to send me one, I’d love to try (and then vomit, and then review) it. [story]

• “Forget gas prices: Beer is going up” so says the headline over at CNNMoney’s website. They’re not lying. The other day I had to pay $6 for two cans of Saporro at the House of Spirits. Back in the day, those things used to cost $1.99 each. I can’t be bothered to read the entire article, because they mention shitty beers like Miller and Budwiser, and we all know that I’m a total beer snob and do not want to affiliate myself in any way with those breweries. Now, if they were talking about Rogue or Dogfish Head, I might be more inclined to learn more about these rising gas prices and rising beer prices, but until then, I’d rather just go to the Casa De Campo with Sari and eat some nachos. Which is what I’m going to do right now!

***

A wonderful time was had last night at Phoebe’s cocktail party. Great people, good snacks, and all the Trader Joe’s-brand whisky my little body could handle. There will be no incriminating photos this time, thank God. I knew the night was over when I was sitting out behind the bungalow looking at the constellation Orion and the “belt” actually disappeared before my eyes because I was so hammered. I wound up at the neighbor’s place trying to make my way through 28 Weeks Later but fell asleep on the couch, and finally retired to my room once the film reached its conclusion. I slept very peacefully, but awoke feeling as if I’d spent the entire night gorging myself on snacks. Which, as it turns out, I did.

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