I Call Bullshit!
It’s hot outside again today. Really fucking hot. I made the mistake of walking over to Rite Aid to pick up some personal items, and as I sit here writing this I am covered in a layer of sweat. I even wore shorts (again!) today. The box fan in my window simply isn’t cutting it, so if anyone wants to do something tonight in an air-conditioned location, please feel free to call or e-mail me. I’ll bring the meth and scabby-faced prostitutes, you provide the comfortable environment.
I’m not one to enjoy basting in my sweat, so I’m in a pretty vile mood. This makes me pretty much useless to the outside world, as I am wont to insult you for no reason, or sit silently and scowl at you. It’s the perfect state of mind to concoct a bitter Friday Top Ten!
TOP TEN OF BULLSHIT
10) Princess Di – What was the big deal? A girl born into royalty marries the prince of a country where the king or queen isn’t even head of the government, they cheat on each other and treat one another like shit, they get divorced, and she dies relatively young in a car accident. Let’s not get all Elton John here, she didn’t do that much for the world. She fought against AIDS discrimination and campaigned against landmines. That’s like me saying I support of fun and am against bullying. Also, car accidents claim over one million people worldwide every year. It’s not like public figures are immune to becoming statistics.
09) Untitled Songs – Yeah, that’s right. I think untitled songs are even more bullshit than Princess Di. What are you, illiterate? You can pluck a string or sing a note but you can’t figure out what to call it? Shut up. You repulse me. I wouldn’t fuck your mother because you came out of her.
08) Not Liking Bad Movies – Who are you, Roger Ebert’s scrotum? It’s funny to laugh at really bad movies. Not everything has to be like Stroszek. Get off your high horse and quit pretending the cinema is about making you question things, like your own existence. Watch a fucking terrible film (I can recommend literally tens of them) and giggle. You can even admit you enjoy it afterwards. Quit living like a pretentious MySpace profile and let some fun into your life.
07) Fake drugs – There’s nothing worse than getting hold of some microdots and finding out they’re bogus. There you are, sitting around waiting to begin your ascent, only to find out later that what you just consumed was a goddamned Life Savers Hole. Am I right, guys?
06) Election ’08 – Everybody’s so geeked out about this election because its supposed to signal some huge governmental change. On November 3rd, 2008 we’ll be in a world of shit and on November 5th (or January 20th, 2009) we’ll suddenly be living in the garden of fucking Eden having grapes dropped into our mouths by large-breasted women who live to serve us? Yeah, right. It’s going to take another 40 or 50 years to undo all the horrible shit that happened in the last six-and-a-half years, and you and I may well be dead by then anyway. So why the hell should any of us give a shit about what happens?
05) Passive Aggression – Quit being such a chump and speak up, kiddo. You’re never going to have any confidence if you don’t learn to assert yourself. I don’t care if you were overcharged by a dollar for your bagel and coffee, or you can’t bring yourself to tell your friend his music sucks. Get over your fears, stop procrastinating, and speak your mind. It’s healthy. Your avoidance is just going to make your friends hate you even more. Look at me, I have no problems telling my friends the truth. They all suck at everything they do. How do they respond to that? They invite me out drinks and continue their struggle to win my respect.
04) The New Cuteness – I like to think I have a keen eye when it comes to spotting cultural trends, and I’ve been noticing a large number of artists–as well as everyday people–who are into this “new cuteness” movement. It’s really sickening. It’s a bunch of losers with Peter Pan complexes who think it’s just adorable to act like a child, sing like a child, dance like a child, and basically ignore the fact that they’re in their mid-twenties and not getting any younger. You might have noticed this if you’ve ever heard of Miranda July, listened to The Microphones, or seen the film “Funny Ha Ha”. I think five years ago if you tried to sell yourself as a colorful eyelash-batting kid-at-heart you would likely have people laugh you right into contracting AIDS. There’s a difference between accepting your self-consciousness and taking excessive pride in it. Being overtly awkward, coy, or whatever you want to call it as is not cool. You’re like a fucking ironic Emo kid, which is way worse than just being an Emo kid.
03) City Pride – No one gives a shit where you live or why you’re so happy to live there. I certainly don’t give a fuck. I’ve got more important things to talk to people about. I went to college. I learned how to socialize on a normal level. Guess what? Where you live is no different than where everyone else lives. It’s not about what the city offers, or the types of people who live there, or any of that bullshit. You could live in Idaho or Karachi and find just as many cool people and fun things to do with your life. Plenty of people spend their entire lives not worrying about this kind of petty crap; they just live, and experience, and discover new things. It’s got nothing to do with their ‘hood or their town or their city. If you and I are going to hang out, you’d better leave the self-important conversation topics at home.
02) Outwardly Hating Yourself – Trust me, many people have it far worse than you. Odds are if you are reading this you live in a fairly open society. You don’t have to worry about genocide or other crimes against humanity. No one cares that your parents fucked with you psychologically as a child and now you hate yourself. Get a grip. Have you tried watching MTV at all in the past ten years? Look at those vapid retards and tell me you still wish you were never born, or wish you could be somebody else. Quit the low self-esteem bullshit and remind yourself that you’re way cooler than those people, and more people like them exist in the world than people like you. So go on writing your crappy screenplays, or painting your shitty paintings, or not having a girlfriend. It’s way better than being some other asshole.
01) Jobs – Fuck you, worker. You’re spending forty or sixty hours a week in some building earning someone else revenue while you make barely enough money to eke out a living, and I’m supposed to join right in and walk beside you on this death march? I’d rather lose my life like Princess Di than throw away the gift of life for some company that’s giving me a pittance so that I can ensure the handful of people at the top of the corporate ladder drive nice cars and vacation half the year in exotic locales. Hell no. I’m calling bullshit on jobs. Why should you and I squander all our potential?
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