People tend to yell at me for a lot of reasons. Maybe it’s a perceived condescension or pretentiousness in my writing (it’s called entertainment, people). Maybe it’s my general outlook on life. One commonality that everyone I know is irked by are my eating habits. Suddenly people are shocked when they hear I’ve never eaten a particular dish, or don’t like the taste of some sweet-tasting condiment. It’s not like it’s something I have control over, people!
Plus, most of the things we eat don’t even make sense. They don’t occur in nature. The idea of putting two vastly different items together to form a dish can sometimes be downright stupid. Who the hell came up with the chicken cesar salad? A closet case who desired to “butch up” by mixing the wimpiest meat product in his greens? Here are ten things I detest and will never eat.
TOP TEN STRANGE, UNNATURAL FOOD COMBINATIONS
10. Certain Kinds of Sushi – I like California rolls. Is that the one with the crab meat and avocado? That one is pretty alright. I have this thing about eating cold or uncooked meats. I’ll get to it later. Also, whenever I think of seaweed, I think of the stuff that gets stuck between the toes of very fat women at the beach. I don’t think about a delicious ingredient in a tasty food.
09. Turkey Meat Loaf – No thanks. I’ll have mine cooked with real meat, not this fake dainty bullshit, thank you very much.
08. Fruits, Vegetables (various) – It’s probably easier to name what I will eat. I like apples (red or green), oranges, clementines, bananas, grapes (green only), carrots, broccoli, and strawberries. I have issues with pretty much everything else. I like watermelon flavored candy and gum, but not actual watermelon. Go figure.
07. Meats (various) – I like eating things that died in order for me to be satisfied with my swollen-full belly. I like steak, I like chicken breast (only white meat, no dark meat), I like flounder (but no other fish), and I like veal. I don’t like the idea of eating certain shellfish (though I like steamed clams), especially shit like crawdads. I don’t like cold meats. My rationale is, if it’s been cooked, it probably won’t kill me. If it’s served cold, it is therefore uncooked, and the odds say I’m about to contract some weird disease and die.
06. Anything Tartare – See above for explanation.
05. Beans – They’re gross. I only like Texas-style Chili. They’re useless. In almost every instance one can think of for using beans in a recipe, odds are you can just forget them and the meal will still taste good. The same goes for mushrooms. Totally pointless.
04. Condiments (various) – Most of the problems I have with eating stem from gross condiments. I don’t like honey in tea, I don’t like chutney or jam or jelly, and I don’t like any sauces (except red sauce) or dressings. I don’t like mustard or relish. I don’t like coleslaw. Pretty much anything you can think of that garnishes food, I don’t like. Basically, I like some steak sauces, I like ketchup, I like hot sauce (unless it’s green), and maple syrup (none of those flavored ones). Nothing else.
03. Onions – Not fried, not cold, not unless I can’t see them. When I was young I used to cry when my McDonald’s hamburgers had too many diced onions on them.
02. Cream cheese – Smells awful, tastes foul. When I was young I used to cry when my scrambled eggs were made with cream cheese.
01. Tuna Fish – Fucking gross. Anyone who eats tuna fish is no friend of mine. It stinks like ass, and I can’t even imagine what it tastes like. The fact that people have to constantly mix other things in with the tuna fish clearly shows that it tastes bad, too. Otherwise, why would someone put celery or tomato or a crushed walnut or something in with the food. They’re trying to justify eating something horrible.
By the way, if you think any of this is weird, you can go to hell.
June 20th, 2007
OK, so I guess I’m not your friend anymore. I’m not going to say you’re weird, though—everybody has their hang-ups about food. My feelings about food contrast sharply with yours and probably also border on weird. One of my favorite things to do when I travel is to take a leisurely walk through a local grocery store, examining unfamiliar or interesting products. Most of the time, I don’t even buy anything. I just like looking. And I’ll try anything once. And sometimes, if I don’t like something, I’ll keep trying it over time, hoping to develop a taste for it (I’m doing that with olives right now. I so wish I liked olives…) But I digress. It’s a shame that you seem to think that the only kind of tuna is the kind in a can, because a fresh tuna steak is beautiful (deep pink in color) and doesn’t stink (if it does, you definitely shouldn’t eat it), and when it’s seasoned and seared on both sides, it’s quite meaty and magnificent. Another comment: who the hell makes scrambled eggs with cream cheese? I never heard of that. At least you eat eggs. You get credit for that. Chris always says eggs smell like ass, so I’m resigned to make my spinach and mushroom frittatas when he’s working late and not home for dinner. In conclusion, I’d just like to say that you probably shouldn’t write about food for the same reasons that I shouldn’t write about music.
FIN
June 20th, 2007
You’re going about it the smart way. Trying things until you develop a taste for them. I’m doing it the stubborn way.
I couldn’t write a food review to save my life.
“the chicken was smothered in a brown sauce, or something. it tasted chicken-y….”