I hope your week was nice. I hope your weekend is wonderful. Soon enough it will start to feel like autumn outside, so please get out and enjoy the final moments of summer while you can. Contrary to popular belief, I am not in Chicago for the Touch and Go 25th anniversary shindig. I turned down an opportunity to attend and a place to stay solely because my current financial situation would not allow for it. I got rid of my checking account, so all I have is the sixty bucks in my wallet. It doesn’t help that I just spent $330 I don’t have for construction+shipping of a new extension cabinet for my guitar amp. So, bearing all this in mind, here’s ten ways I can make money to pay for audio equipment, records, or booze. The only three things that matter in my life.
TOP TEN WAYS TO EARN FAST CASH
written by a Jew! (only by birth, not by choice)
10) Demand It – When I’m strapped for cash, I’ll act slightly unreasonable when people ask favors of me. I don’t mean to imply that I act like a diva, but…if I have to go into work on an off-day I’ll ask to be paid in cash so I get the full amount for my troubles. One thing you could try is to infer that you’d like restitution for menial tasks, like taking out the trash or picking someone up when they don’t have a ride. Even if it’s a free meal, that’s like an extra ten bucks you’ve got for later.
9) Burgle It – You’ve got neighbors, right? Ask what they’re doing this weekend. Oh, they just happen to be visiting their parents at their house in the country? Well, do they have a pet that needs to be fed or walked? “How about giving me the key to your house so I can walk your pet.” Then, when they get back, “Hows about you assume that missing two-hundred bucks was never really there in the first place.”
8) Burgle Something Worth It – A lot of people often forget that certain items are worth money. People’s houses are filled with things they barely notice and sometimes (probably) forget they already own. Well, they probably won’t miss it if you took it, and then you could trade it in for its monetary equivalent. Ta-da!
7) Join the Freemasons – I was just watching this program on the History Channel about secrets reveled about this “order” or “society” or whatever you want to call it. They’re a powerful bunch. Presidents, officials, businessmen, old people with those stupid trucker hats that have the protractor and the t-square. Supposedly they’re all rich, and if you can find an “in,” you can be made rich. But, I also hear they’re closet fags, so don’t go through with it until you find out for certain whether or not you’re going to get anally raped.
6) Play the Lottery – For some reason, when I was in fifth grade, I was sitting in Mr. Milan’s class and I was daydreaming, and I had this premonition about playing the Pick-3. A series of numbers flashed before me. The next time I went to eat at Seymour’s, I checked their chart of recent Pick-3 winning numbers, and that combination came up about five times. I always think about buying a ticket and playing those numbers, but I’ve never gotten around to it. For you, I’d suggest scratch-off games. They’re usually elementary. The trick is to not buy one and dive right in really anxious-like. Put it away for a few hours, like you don’t even care about the potential $50,000 ticket burning a hole in your pocket.
5) Whore for It – Remember that Ramones song “53rd and 3rd,” about Dee Dee turning tricks to pay for heroin? Well, so long as you’re not paying for heroin you can actually make a buck.
4) Marry-Up – This one’s my idea, so don’t steal it. Call yourself an artist or a writer or something, find yourself a benefactor, and use their money to do whatever it is you’re passionate about until you shuffle off this mortal coil. If you can actually pull it off, it would be a sweet deal. If you do actually pull it off, I’ll hate you and curse you behind your back for the rest of your days. Or my days. Whichever comes first. Also, keep in mind rich girls usually aren’t very comely.
3) Records – Apparently some places let you sell records, instead of just buying them all the time. Huh. That’s news to me! Seriously though, do you really need Eat A Peach on LP, CD, cassette, MP3 and SACD?
2) eBay – This is one I use frequently when I have to pay for a piece of audio gear, or want to pay off my credit card. There’s stuff around the house that no one’s touched in ages, and they’re not going to mind if it goes missing. Also, go through your closet and sell all your stupid old t-shirts. Even if they’re ripped, you can mark them as “vintage” and fetch a pretty penny for them. Last month I sold a simple Matt Nathanson concert t-shirt for $45 because I promised the winning bidder I’d include a bonus surprise with the shirt (a CD-R and an interview transcript). Be creative. You can also milk tons of dollars out of indie-nerds when you realize you don’t need an Explosions in the Sky or a Mogwai t-shirt.
1) Drugs – Start selling them, or stop using them. Either way, you’ll find you’ve suddenly got more money.
np: Conifer – Albuquerque Reprise
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